Perpetually Unfinished

2007-03-20T22:47:00.000-05:00

I keep thinking I'll write a whole post here any day now, when I've settled in here in DC, once everything has sunk in and I've processed the whole move and the new city and everything that goes with it. But god knows when that's going to actually happen... it's been nearly six weeks now, and there's still an air of unreality about all of it. Not that things are bad, because they're not; they're very good, in fact, at least so far. I'm happy. Also an oversized helping of crazy, stressed, awkward, unsteady, overwhelmed, and some other feelings I can't even name... but happy.

Anyway. I'll write something more soon, whether I suddenly manage to feel grounded or not. And pictures! I have all sorts of pretty pictures!

2007-01-10T21:27:00.000-06:00

Item: I am so tired of my cell phone demagnetizing things. Hotel room keys, DC Metro cards, what have you. What is it in cell phones that does that? Is it possible that someone could invent one that doesn't? Or couldn't places just use some sort of scan-strip technology that doesn't go crazy when it gets near cell phones? I can't be the only one with this problem...

Item: So now I know why they call it a double-take. The other day I was sitting at my desk at work. I hear "Hi Britt" and turn around. "Oh, hi, Alicia." One of my coworkers, just saying hi, nothing out of the ordinary, let me hit send on this e-mail and then I'll talk for a sec. In the middle of turning my head back to my computer, I snap it back. Wait a minute, something is out of place, this is a coworker who left the office six months ago! Take two! "Hi, how've you been?!"

Item: I am totally jealous of little kids these days. Those sneakers with the wheels in the bottoms, that you can just roll on... so cool! Hey, I have small feet, you think they make them in my size?

2006-12-30T02:08:00.000-06:00

Just checking back in with everyone. Hopefully by now my handful of readers have come to terms with the fact that it'll be awhile between posts, so I won't bother apologizing or explaining.

It actually feels like it's been much longer than two months since I last wrote, since before I went to Boston. It just seems like so much has happened in my life since then. Boston was... quite an experience (or more accurately, bundle of experiences), and I've been feeling the ripple effects ever since. I can't recall a time where I have been rethinking so many of my assumptions simultaneously-- about life, death, risk, relationships, gender, courage, responsibility, respect, organizational behavior, and human nature, and that's just a partial list! On the whole, I think this is a good thing... many of my assumptions were overdue for reexamination, and I don't want to get too set in my thinking regardless. But it does lead to me feeling quite a bit shaky and unsettled of late.

Adding onto that is preparing for a move to a whole new area in just a couple months. Yep, if you haven't heard, we're moving to Maryland in February. What, you thought I would mention actual news first, instead of navel-gazing? Clearly you don't know me! But anyway, aside from the stress of packing and the other logistical issues, there's also the elevated anxiety about all the upcoming changes-- at a relatively mild level, but always floating around there.

Despite all that, and despite the sadness about leaving the city of Chicago and my (few) friends here, I'm actually really excited about this time and this move. Besides being closer to family, closer to many old friends, and in what I think will be a much happier and less lonely work environment, it feels like a real opportunity for moving forward in a lot of ways for me. I mean, I know that the great Britt Self-Improvement Project has been going on for at least five years now, not always with appreciable results, so perhaps it's best not to get my hopes up. But with so much change going on, I'm hoping to seize the opportunity to reset some of my habits and patterns in a better mold.

I am tempted to put those into another laundry list of New Year's resolutions, but considering how little I've thought about my 2006 ones since last January, I don't think it makes a great deal of sense. Sure, I should exercise more and floss more and eat healthier and be more organized, and I will try to, and I think I'll be happier if I do. But what I really want and need to resolve is much deeper than that.

Because I think my central issue is still this: to take more risks, learn to manage fear and nervousness better, find a way to accept mistakes and embarrassment and keep moving forward with my head high. When I think small and act small because I'm afraid, it holds me back from happiness and from growth. I have truly made progress at this, I think, but I am still so far from where I want to be. I am still more likely to run or hide or find ways to wriggle away from things that scare me rather than taking a deep breath and plunging in and forcing myself to find ways to cope. But I'm at last coming to an important realization that I can't keep trying to solve the problems by getting rid of the fear itself. It's just who I am-- I am afraid of making mistakes and ruining things I work on, I am afraid of looking foolish and ridiculous and unintelligent, I am afraid of not being liked by the people I care about-- and trying to just switch that off has never been successful and probably never will be. I have to stop trying to be less afraid, and instead figure out how to live my life the way I want to despite those fears, through those fears.

So that's my real New Year's resolution, I guess, if it really counts as a resolution at all. Wish me luck and strength and happiness in 2007, and I wish the same for all of you.

2006-10-17T00:31:00.000-05:00

Originally uploaded by brittgm.

I've been busy. Physically busy-- I've been traveling a lot for work-- and mentally busy too, my mind always racing, pondering the next thing or four on my plate.

And we are back in that uncertain stage, where we don't know where we'll live a few months from now, how our futures might change. In January or February we might be moving to the DC area, or we might be here in Chicago for yet another year (or longer). I try to hold the two possibilities in my mind at the same time, envision two futures at once, two paths, so that I am ready for whatever comes. But it doesn't work well; instead, they both seem somehow unreal. Like Schrodinger's cat. (Sort of.)

I have a few months of reality left-- the rest of October, when I'll be out of town for 2-3 weeks straight; November, full of travel and of NaNoWriMo; December, preparing for the holidays and then celebrating them; and then a few weeks into January and a great big blank. Even January will either be full of packing and logistics and other challenges if we move, or my first month of real relaxation since the summer, if we don't. So it becomes fuzzy too, since I don't know what to expect from it. That's all I see ahead of me right now, busy-ness and then a blur.

I have noticed this problem before, in thinking about the future. When there are too many possibilities, I find myself disengaging from all of them. I have a hard time seriously thinking about life in my 30's (let alone beyond!) because there are so many variables-- it all becomes blurry, and I'm unable to take any of it very seriously. That doesn't mean I can't make plans for my future; it just means that it's hard for me to evaluate their ramifications, to think "What would that mean to me?" because it could mean so many different things in different entirely plausible situations. (And because I can't fully wrap my mind around the fact that the "me" is me, regardless of what events in the interim affect and change me.)

So, as always, I try to make plans that leave as many avenues open as possible. Or I delay planning, delay making choices altogether, which, as my mother told me the other day, "is in itself a choice." Decide has the same root as homicide, suicide, patricide, regicide. I have a hard time making decisions because I can't stand killing off my options, shutting down possibilities. Really, I think, I just don't want to have to accept the consequences of the road not taken.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth...

Yep, that's me, staring at my options, vacillating, and stalling. And I am just as ridiculous about it as Frost's friend, probably more so. But at least I know it. Self-awareness has got to count for something, right?

Okay, enough for now, before y'all start gouging your eyes out. "I waited two months for this?" you're asking yourself. Well, next time I will surely try to be more concrete. And maybe even throw in some funny anecdotes or something for flavor. Or puns maybe? The lines are wide open for your requests...

2006-07-28T00:53:00.000-05:00

Rocky Mountain National Park
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

We had a wonderful time in Colorado. It was a fun, relaxing trip, even including the 2,000 miles worth of driving. I didn't really realize until we were out there that this was the first full vacation that's just been me and Alex; we've had many 3- or 4-day weekends, and a couple longer trips that've involved family, but this was a whole lot of just the two of us, and it was very, very nice.

We camped, we hiked (although not as much as we'd planned; we didn't realize how much of an effect altitude has on your ability to exert even the slightest effort!), we-- okay, I-- took pictures (check out the ones I've got up on Flickr, and there are tons more, too), we saw baseball games in two different stadiums, we visited the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum, we drove a lot, we got rained on, we plugged the hole in our airmattress with postage stamps, we saw cute little tundra creatures, we were taken aback by the cost of long-distance payphone calls these days ($10?!?!!), we listened to a 6hr 19min baseball game on the radio that covered 2/3 of our drive back from KC to Chicago, I ate at Sonic for the first and second times ever and Alex declared me very silly for caring, and all told, it was generally terrific.

Now we're about to go on vacation again. (This sounds less weird if you consider that the trip I was just talking about ended almost 3 weeks ago.) So I figured I should get in a blog post before I go. Also because I have a very crazy 6 weeks ahead of me (not that there's any guarantee it will calm down after that-- in fact, I have the sneaking suspicion it won't for months-- just that I don't have any currently scheduled craziness after those 6 weeks). After I get back from this 9-day vacation, I'm traveling for work, then out of town for a wedding for a friend of Alex's, then hosting my family's week-long visit to Chicago, then into DC for work, then possibly going on a Labor Day weekend trip with Alex, then traveling for work again, and then going up to Wisconsin for the wedding of another of Alex's friends.

Speaking of these weddings... have I ever mentioned that I've never been to a wedding before in my life? Well, I've never been to a wedding before in my life. (Unless you count the wedding reception for my aunt when I was 2, and even then, I wasn't at the ceremony.) I'm not sure how it worked out this way since it seems like every self-respecting 24-year-old has already been to a dozen weddings or more; I think I may be somehow cursed (or maybe just bad at staying close enough with friends for them to want me to share their special day). But suffice it to say that I have been desperately wanting to finally go to a wedding, so that despite the fact that one of these weddings is for a couple I've never met, and one's for people I've only met once, and at both of them I won't know any of the other guests, nonetheless it all seems extremely exciting and I'm very gung-ho about going.

But, believe it or not, neither of them are actually really weddings. In not just one but both cases, the couple has already been married for some time, and they're just getting around to having the ceremony/celebration now. (One couple got married before the groom headed off to Iraq, and are doing the wedding now that he's back; the other did it for health insurance purposes a few months ago.) I think in one case they're trying to make it as much like a normal wedding as possible, while the other is basically just a big hey-we're-married! party.

So while "attend something that at least appears to be a wedding" will probably get checked off my list this summer, attending a real wedding ceremony will remain on it until further notice. Along with, y'know, attending a wedding in which I have an actual emotional connection with the couple in question. But hey, that's got to happen eventually... right? Right?

Ferris Wheel at Comerica Park

2006-06-30T01:56:00.000-05:00

Ferris Wheel at Comerica Park
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Hey, it's me again. Remember me?

I've been keeping busy. I'm not sure there's too much of importance to report. I'm trying to give up eating seafood; that's something, I guess. I've been asked a couple times lately why I eat seafood, and in truth, the answer is "Because that's what I decided when I was eleven and decided to become a vegetarian." Which isn't really a great reason, obviously. And it's pretty lame that I've been riding on inertia (and my enjoyment of salmon) for the past, like, 13 years. Plus, I've been reading more about the animal cruelty, environmental, and health consequences of fishing (thanks to Mischa and Jenny), which are a lot worse than I had let myself assume. So it's time for a change.

Let's see, what else? For the first time in the 2+ years since I graduated, I've recently begun to feel that I'm no longer "just out of college," if that makes sense. I'm 24, I'm in my mid-twenties. I have only three or four years left until I'm in my my late twenties, which seems like the time for Settling Down, and Buying a House, and Starting a Family, and all that. How can I fit everything I want to do in my crazy twenties into that timeframe? I can see my life speeding by before my eyes! Okay, so that's a little over-dramatic, and unnecessarily strict about timelines. And I'm simmering down already. But it's kind of weird and disorienting to no longer feel young-- or "very young," anyway.

It's late. I should sleep. Sorry this is so short, but maybe I'll write more soon.

2006-05-22T21:39:00.000-05:00

Breaking Through
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

I've been pretty busy lately-- by design. I got sick of seeing my weeks and months disappear with nothing to show for them, so I decided to try a new strategy, committing myself to doing all sorts of things in hopes that the pressure would actually get me in gear.

It's working relatively well, actually. I'm not completely on top of everything I'm doing, but I'm actually accomplishing things, so I'm pleased. I've finally started volunteering, which is what I'm most proud of-- I'm teaching an ESL class, which is extremely challenging but seems to be going okay. I'm also in a writing group, which means I'm producing new short fiction every other week (and actually expanding my social circle for the first time in a while). I wrote an article for the Protest last issue. I continue to try to catch up with old friends and acquaintances.

I've also started a new blog, which is partly to blame for my woeful lack of posting here. (Only partly, considering my obvious ability to avoid posting with no such excuse.) Posting to attract a readership of strangers based on the content and quality of my writing is a very different experience than a personal blog like this one. I'm having a lot of fun with it-- and posting twice a week or more, would you believe it? Anyway, I'm blogging psuedonymously there, so I won't post a link to it. But I'd be glad to share it with you if you're interested; just send an e-mail or leave a comment and ask.

So, yeah. I've been getting stuff done. Of course, I've been getting a lot less done than I intend (including writing in this blog), so there's a lot of that stressful oh-no-I'm-behind-on-all-these-things-I-committed-to-do-and-I'll-never-catch-up feeling, which is not at all pleasant. But I still like it more than the dreadful soul-sucking knowledge that I'm accomplishing nothing at all, so it's a fair trade. (Although I'm looking forward to the day when I don't have to deal with either.)

I'll try to be back again soon. Really.

2006-04-04T23:41:00.000-05:00

Millennium Park & Chicago
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

I’ve been rather out of sorts lately. I’m not sure how to describe it. Disconnected, maybe. Scattered. My head’s been in the clouds a lot.

It’s spring already, windy and warm, with a disorienting daylight that lasts ‘til 7:30. A quarter of the year is gone and I don’t know where it went. My weekday evenings, especially, seem to disappear before I know it, one after another. When Alex started being away during the week, I came up with a list of priorities for all that new free time. Spend more time with nearby friends and e-mail faraway ones more often… cook more interesting food… learn to play the guitar. But somehow the clock always strikes midnight before I know it, and I go to bed thinking, “Tomorrow.”

I was thinking about that today, walking through downtown Chicago in the sunny evening, and suddenly my brain flipped the words around: “Those are hours of my life I will never get back. They are gone forever. Every hour I waste is one more I let slip out of my future and into my past.” For some reason, this struck me as a Very Significant Insight, although it’s really just another way of saying something I already knew.

I keep having that feeling lately, these moments that seem somehow significant and profound, even though they may be quite silly. For example, a week or two ago, I was taking the escalator up from the El tracks to the street. There were a bunch of people standing to the right letting the escalator carry them, and I was passing them on the left, climbing. Out of nowhere, I had the very clear thought, “This is a metaphor.” Weird, right? No indication from my brain as to what the metaphor itself could be, of course.

I’m not sure this really fits, but I had a dream the other night. I was sitting in a classroom full of my high school classmates, and a few seats ahead of me I spotted Gregg Bitondo, a boy who died the May we were all juniors. My heart caught in my throat-- I was very aware in the dream that he ought to be dead, and there he was, talking and laughing as if everything was normal. Somehow I was the first to notice, but soon others saw him and began to whisper to each other, their faces full of shock and confusion and the beginnings of a joy they were afraid to let themselves feel. The boy at the desk next to mine turned to me and said, “It’s Gregg,” with that same look on his face, and I nodded and said with a sudden certainty, “Yeah, this is a dream.” A look of recognition crossed his face, and he whispered to the person on his other side, and soon the word was spreading around the classroom, everyone realizing as they heard it that it was true, that they were dreaming.

The boy turned back to me. (He didn’t really have a fixed identity; he somehow fluidly shifted between being a number of different guys I went to high school with.) “If this is just a dream,” he said, watching Gregg, so smiling and alive, “we all have to make sure to remember it.” He looked at me with such intensity and emotion, full of pain and affection and an open vulnerability that none of the boys-he-was would have ever shared with me in our real teenage days. And I nodded, feeling I was making a solemn compact with him and everyone else in the room, that we would all keep this memory with us from this day forward.

Except, of course, it was my dream, and so when I awoke I realized there was no one to remember it but me. And so I ran through it in my groggy half-awake state, making sure to fix it in my memory, like I promised. So now I remember it, and I think I’ll remember it for a long time.

2006-03-20T00:04:00.000-06:00

Dyeing the river green
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Happy St. Patrick's Day. And happy birthday to my little cousin, who turned three this weekend. Oh, and speaking of turning three this weekend...

For some reason, I didn't put the pieces together until this week that my cousin Katie is almost exactly the same age as the war in Iraq. In retrospect, it's obvious. I remember driving through New York to get to her birthday party one year, stuck in terrible traffic, and the announcers on the radio saying things like "This is unbelievable. Block after block of these marchers, as far as the eye can see, and they just keep coming!" And knowing I was supposed to be frustrated we'd be late to the party, but I couldn't keep from smiling.

There was marching then. There was marching yesterday, too, maybe 10,000 of us going down Michigan Avenue with surprised tourists looking on. It's good, it's important to be visible, it's important to be together reminding eachother how many of us there are. But it's frustrating, too.

There's something disturbing about realizing the war's the same age as my cousin Katie, that when it began she was a helpless newborn. She's a little girl now, talking and laughing and playing. She's three years old. How many more birthdays will she have while the war continues? Will she be five or six, learning to read and write? Will she be old enough to start to understand what the war is before it's over?

And the worst part is that of course, even when it's "over," it won't really be over.

Okay, now I'm depressed, and I bet you are too. Let's see if I can find a more hopeful note to end this on...

You know what? As frustrating as marches and rallies can be, as impotent as they sometimes seem, they are really awesome things, too. It was great to be together and make a statement last night. It was great that 500,000 Chicagoans came together to stand up for justice for immigrants last week. And it will be great on April 1 when farmworkers and their allies from across the country march on McDonald's. The times they seem depressing and ineffective is when you expect the wrong things out of them, when you expect to change the world by spending an hour or two walking down a street. They don't change the world, but they change people, bit by bit, and that's pretty incredible right there.

2006-02-24T01:22:00.000-06:00

Welcome to Iowa!
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

It's funny, but when I got back home after this last work trip (about two weeks this time), I felt very strange. Sort of disoriented. And pretty lonely.

I know part of the loneliness was that I got back to an empty apartment on a Wednesday, and most of it went away when Alex arrived on Friday. But I couldn't quite shake it completely-- it was in the back of my mind all weekend, and after Alex went back to Milwaukee it jumped back out at me again.

I think I understand it. Part of it, of course, was that I'd been working with terrific people I really liked, and I missed being around them. And that was naturally intensified by the crazy, intense nature of the experience. (It was actually a little like Bel Canto, which I just finished and loved. Except with less tragedy and opera.)

But there was something else, too. It was one of the only times at work I've ever felt like a genuine member of a team, a group of people all in one place working together towards the same goal, and it was a pretty powerful experience for me. I think I really didn't know what I'd been missing until I suddenly had it for a moment. And then, despite the fact that that the actual work we were doing was far less interesting and rewarding than my usual work, it somehow developed this extra lustre that has to led to an improbable case of nostalgia.

I don't mean to suggest I typically work on projects all by myself. But there is a certain separation between me and the other people I'm working with. Part of it is a result of my particular job. But a lot of it is a literal logistical and physical separation-- I am usually not in the same physical place as the "team" I'm supposedly on.

Other than my first couple months at work, I've been across the city or across the country from the other people working on the same things as me. My office-mates are good people, and good company, but we are working on different things. And I only see the people working on the same campaigns as me occasionally; usually we just talk by phone or e-mail. Mostly I sit at my computer in my own little world.

(Ironically, my current office-mates and I were working on the same goals when I was in a different office, across the city; I switched offices last month, shortly after my work responsibilities shifted. I could probably have switched earlier if I had tried to, but at the time, I didn't realize I might be happier that way.)

I'm not sure there's anything I can do about this, short of asking to make some major shifts in my job. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to do that, considering how much I love what I'm currently focusing on. So I guess that leaves me back where I started, except a little lonelier and a little more self-aware.

(Note: Yes, I'm being vague here about my work. If you haven't noticed, I try not to give many details about my actual job on my blog. This is probably completely useless in preventing any sort of potentially ugly situation, but at least I can say I tried. But if you're confused, feel free to ask.)

2006-02-03T00:15:00.000-06:00

Floral Water Garden
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Hi! I'm still here!

My lapse in posting has been due to several factors: a) a valiant attempt to put responding to personal e-mails ahead of the blog, with the result that I am damn near caught up on that, yay!; b) the week I spent in Iowa working 17-hour days; and c) the fact that I've never been too good at posting frequently in the first place.

But let's move on, shall we?

For the sake of anyone I haven't told, the whole "where's Alex's residency?/where will we live?" question has been figured out. Alex started his one-year residency in Milwaukee last week. As Milwaukee's about 2 hours from here, the plan is that he'll be spending weeknights in a cheap furnished room up there and weekends down here in Chicago. Yep. We'll see how it goes. I'm trying to be optimistic and keep in mind the possible benefits that will help balance out the obvious drawbacks. I must say, though, it makes for really glum Mondays...

Speaking of Mondays, I turned 24 last Monday. I had a wonderful birthday. People have asked me what I did, and the answer is "Nothing." Which is precisely why it was so wonderful. Actually, I spend a lot of time doing nothing-- what made my birthday so nice was that I didn't bother worrying about it. No "I should be working on X" or "I probably shouldn't be doing Y right now." And that makes all the difference, really.

I don't feel 24, though. It seems rather ridiculously old. You can at least call 23 your "early 20s," but now I'm inescapably "mid-20s," so it's like I'm practically 27 already somehow. 24 is a perfectly reasonable age to be doing things like getting married and buying a house and having kids-- people my age have been doing those things for years now, but there was the consolation that at least you could say they were on the young side or a little ahead of their time. But no one would say that about a 24-year-old. I don't feel old enough for all of that yet. I don't think 23 ever actually set in, either. 22 is about right; I think I'll stay 22 for the rest of my life.

It's funny, really; I feel much younger at 24 than I felt when I was 14. Oh, objectively I've obviously grown a great deal since then. But at the time, I was absolutely positive that I was as mature and competent and grown-up as I could be. I lost that certainty somewhere around 18 or 19, and I don't know if I'm ever going to get it back again!

Random guessing game: what in my house has the following label?
Blueberries and Cream
With soy milk proteins and scrumptious blueberry extracts.
Tune in next time for the answer...

And finally, a quick check-in on a few of my 2006 resolutions:
1. Write at least 15,000 words (of fiction or creative non-fiction) every month. Ouch! My grand total for the month was 2,143 words-- not even close! I think part of the problem was that I got off track early in the month, and then when I realized how far behind I was, I only made a half-hearted attempt to catch up because I knew how hard it'd be to hit the goal. For February, I've really got to do it slow-and-steady.
3. Do a full aerobic workout at least 3 times a week, often more.Other than the week I was in Iowa, I did manage to pull this off, so good for me!
5. Cook healthier and more creative foods on a regular basis. Well, I made lentil chili, a random experimental soup, lasagna, smoothies (the healthy fruit-and-yogurt kind), and I have plans for more.
6. Get more organized, physically and mentally. (Keep to-do lists and follow them. Set deadlines and goals for myself and stick to schedules. Stop falling behind on e-mails with people. And keep my personal possessions more neat and organized, both at home and at work.) I am almost caught up on e-mails! (Except for one that I'm 6 months overdue in responding to, which I keep putting off because now it needs to be really, really good to make up for how long it's taken me-- Danielle, if you ever read this, I'm sorry!) Also, so far I am 2 for 2 in the "getting the apartment straightened and presentable by the time Alex gets back for the weekend" department, which may prove to be a good motivator for me.

2006-01-04T21:52:00.000-06:00

Fireworks at PNC Park
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Happy New Year!

I seem to have given in entirely to the idea of a long, sprawling list of resolutions (perhaps because it makes it almost inevitable that I'll succeed at something, by chance alone). So without further ado, here are my 2006 resolutions:

1. Write at least 15,000 words (of fiction or creative non-fiction) every month.
2. Volunteer on a weekly basis.
3. Do a full aerobic workout at least 3 times a week, often more.
4. Practice better dental hygiene. Floss every day.
5. Cook healthier and more creative foods on a regular basis.
6. Get more organized, physically and mentally. (Keep to-do lists and follow them. Set deadlines and goals for myself and stick to schedules. Stop falling behind on e-mails with people. And keep my personal possessions more neat and organized, both at home and at work.)
7. Be mindful and purposeful about improving all of my friendships and relationships on a regular basis. Constantly assess what I can be doing to draw closer to people-- all people in my life, from Alex and my family to acquaintances and people I've been out-of-touch with-- and then do it.
8. Take more risks, and be less afraid of making mistakes.
9. Develop a thicker skin: be less sensitive, and take criticism better.
10. Become less stressed. Yes, external stressors exist, but I exacerbate them with my own mental patterns. And then instead of being able to really relax, I end up in an only partially relaxed state in which the back of my mind is still packed with worries. I've gotta find a better way to function.
11. Live my life with a more positive attitude and with more confidence in myself.

(Hmm. They seem to trail off from the concrete to the hopelessly vague, but the latter ones are important too, even if I can't put down numerical goals to mark my progress.)

Well, this is a pretty ambitious list, so wish me luck. And I wish the best to all of you for a wonderful 2006!

2005-12-27T18:13:00.000-06:00

2005 Chicago Marathon
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

I'll do the end-of-year wrapup and next year's resolutions shortly, but I figured I'd report back on last year's resolutions first.

1. Keep exercising 30 minutes every day (brisk walking). Start doing additional higher-intensity workouts at least 1-2 times a week, hopefully more often over time.
Pretty close. I don't walk 30 minutes every day, but the round-trip to and from work is 25 minutes combined. And I do a full aerobic workout almost every week, often 3 or 4 times a week. I want to hold myself to a higher standard next year, but I think that on the whole I accomplished what I intended for this year.

2. Start volunteering somewhere on a weekly basis. Why the heck haven't I done this yet?
I continue to kick myself about this. I am lame. I try to comfort myself with the thought that I spend a large percentage of my time on good-for-humanity stuff, even if it's not direct volunteering. But still, it's something I want to do, and I should be doing, and I've failed at it completely in 2005.

3. Renew my library card at the Evanston library, and start taking out books and reading on the El. There's no reason I should spend 40 minutes twice a day staring out the window.
Count this as at least one complete success.

4. Write more. More (and better) entries here, but also fiction. I've always wanted to try NaNoWriMo, and maybe I can do it this year, but there's no way I can pull it off if I'm as rusty at writing on November 1 as I am now. And if that's too ambitious, I can at least try to come up with some short pieces. Writing Protest articles is good, and I certainly write enough memos at work, but I want to be more expressive and more creative.
Another success, although I hope to do better still next year. I did NaNoWriMo, which I'm really proud of. And I did a pretty good amount of miscellaneous writing during the spring and summer, although none of it was actually completed pieces of short fiction. All told, a huge step forward.

5. Do the dishes more often; at the very least, commit to making sure that the sink is completely dish-free by the end of every weekend.
Yeah, no, this one's a failure. There've been good stretches and bad stretches, but on average, I don't think I did any better than the previous year.

6. Don't turn on the TV before 11pm on weekdays.
I gave up on this one pretty early in, after figuring out that TV itself wasn't the problem, it was overall time-management issues.

7. Make lunches at home. Yes, having $1 cup 'o' soups every day is cheaper than going out to eat, but if I bring actual lunches from home, it'll probably be cheaper, healthier, and more interesting.
Some progress, although hardly a full success. I've definitely brought lunch more often than I did last year, maybe twice a week on average, but that's still less than half the time.

8. Make more interesting and complicated meals, instead of the same endless rotation (spaghetti, potatoes, stir-fry, rice and beans, rinse and repeat). Try to make a new and/or challenging meal at least every weekend.
See the answer to #7. I'm doing better than last year, but it's hard to call it a full success.

9. Work hard at making, improving, and maintaining friendships, even when it's awkward and difficult. Do what's necessary to spend time with people, instead of taking the lazy road and then moping about it.
Ooh, this is a hard one to assess. I clearly had a better 2005 than 2004 on this front, although I let it slip a little towards the end of the year. But it was also a really stressful and crazy couple of months, so I'm not sure how much that should count against me. I certainly want to continue working on this, but I'm going to go ahead and call it a success.

So that gives me 4 successes, 3 failures, and 2 inbetween. Not too bad a record, I suppose, considering I aimed high with 9 resolutions. Look for some of these to resurface in my 2006 resolutions...

2005-12-15T23:15:00.000-06:00

Holiday Cookies, December 2005
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Just one more week. Seven more days. I don't know if I can make it, but I'll try. My brain is frazzled, I'm constantly on edge, and damn, I need this vacation.

I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but these past couple months have been crazy. I have spent at least part of 22 of the last 40 days away from home. I could handle the travel if that's all it was. But no. There's also the completely self-imposed stress of a November of novelling followed by a December of catch-up holiday baking and shopping and card-writing, so that for the last six weeks the imposing spectre of Being Behind on Things That Must Get Done has been looking over my shoulder at all times. (Like now. I totally should be writing holiday cards instead of this. I got half of them out on Monday, but I've still got 10 more to go, and I shouldn't send them any later than Saturday. Damn.) Then, of course, there's conveniently-timed extra work stress, some worrying stress around a health issue (thankfully positively resolved), and, of course, the stress of still not knowing what city Alex and/or I will be living in come January (yes, the January that's two weeks away).

So, yeah. I've not been exactly at the top of my game lately. I've been doing things like dropping the ball for weeks on returning e-mails, and spending hours at work trying to be productive but finding that the harder I try the more I end up staring blankly into space, and making stupid poorly-thought-out plans which probably have resulted in my painstakingly-made cookies being pulverized in the mail, and writing dull and whiny entries like this one. Yay!

Let's see. Is there anything redeeming I can tack on here? I could talk about the weather (gee, there's nothing like 10 degree days to make you feel like 30 degree days are practically tropical!), or the holiday presents I've picked out (I'm actually quite pleased with several of them, let's hope the recipients are too), or my writing and the ideas I have for my next endeavour (I have the sneaking suspicion I will go on and on about this at a later date, but not tonight).

Instead, why don't we end this while we're not too far behind, shall we? I blame the fact that my brain is melted and is dripping out my ears. Check in next time, and I promise, I'll be charming and witty or at least modestly interesting. For now, happy holidays!

2005-12-07T23:24:00.000-06:00

NaNoWriMo winner
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Well, I did it. 50,000 words in 30 days. (50,091, actually.) Sorry for the lag in posting-- I've been recovering.

It was easier than I expected.

I'm not sure what I mean by that, exactly. It wasn't easy to sit down and write when I didn't feel like it. It wasn't easy to write well (and a lot of it wasn't written well).

But I did it. And the whole way through, I knew I could do it, and I knew I would do it. And that's pretty darn amazing. Partially because of the sheer willpower of it, which I wasn't sure I was capable of. But also because of the fact that I sat down and wrote thousands of words almost every day for a whole month. I've always liked to think of myself as a writer. But I generally haven't, well, written much.

I was actually thinking about this the other day. My NaNo novel is the first writing of any significant length that I've done in, really, almost a decade. (Has it really been almost a decade since I was fifteen? That's kind of crazy. But it's true; just short of nine years qualifies as "almost a decade," I think.)

Anyway, I've started and stopped on a lot of ideas over the years, but sadly (pathetically?), I've never gotten more than a few pages in, maybe a couple thousand words tops. So strangely enough, the best comparison for this year's work is the fantasy novel I thought I was writing back in 1996. The two sections I wrote on the computer total about 10,000 words, and the parts I scribbled in notebooks were probably another 10,000 or 15,000 more.

Ah, that was an interesting piece of work. It was largely unoriginal and ripped off all the fantasy books I was reading at that age, especially but not limited to Dennis McKiernan's "Caverns of Socrates." It was melodramatic, at least the parts I actually got around to writing-- lots of injuries and pain with the accompanying tender angst-filled sorrow of friends. (See Exhibit A, complete with a dead character conveniently brought back to life.) But that was nothing compared to the fact that the main characters were slightly altered versions of me and my classmates to fit a fantasy setting (actually, technically, the characters were us), which is really kind of weird.

Yet despite it all, skimming through it, it really isn't too bad. I mean, it's certainly not good, I don't think, but it's better than I remembered. Honestly, it kind of makes me wonder what my writing would be like now, if I'd kept it up on a more regular basis.

Well, I'm going to try that now. If I can write 50,000 words in one month-- and it could've been 60,000, really, if I hadn't had to travel so much-- then I can certainly write, say, 15,000 words every month. So I'll give that a shot, starting in January, and we'll see how it goes.

Wish me luck, and next time hopefully I'll manage to write about somethiing other than writing.

2005-11-16T16:00:00.000-06:00

"People will come, Ray..." (Field of Dreams site)
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Sorry for being incommunicado for so long. It's for several reasons:

1) Every word I can spare is going into my NaNovel. As of this moment, my total is 24,120 words. So, a little off pace (I should be at 25,000 as of yesterday), but traveling for work is throwing me off a bit. I shall blabber more about NaNoWriMo at a later date, though.

2) Traveling for work. I have been to Iowa twice in the last two weeks, and am probably going again next week. Hence the picture (although I took that one over Labor Day weekend). Anyway, Iowa is flat and boring and big. (It always looked small to me on the map, but really it's about the same size as Pennsylvania, which I always thought was really big. I think I just thought "PA is bigger than NJ, so PA is big, but Iowa is smaller than Illinois, so Iowa is small." Yeah, it doesn't make a lot of sense.) Anyway, the point of all that is that it takes a long time to drive to the middle of Iowa from Chicago. And then you think, "Oh, it'll be great, because I'll have hours at night in the hotel room to write," but sitting on your ass in a car for hours is actually surprisingly tiring, and all you want to do is lie in bed and watch silly shows on HBO.

3) The desire to be eloquent and profound in my entries. As you can probably tell from this one, I've decided, screw that.

Anyway, so, what else is new? More Dave-->Britt visitors from interesting places, who I shall again call out by name in hopes that they will say hello. We've got: Kansas City, Missouri; Newark, NJ; Chicago, IL (come on, if you're right here in Chicago, you've got to identify yourself!); and Columbus, Ohio. Except that I know that the Columbus one is Shara Celi, because she was nice enough to e-mail and say hi (and I will repay her by replying eventually, really!). See? Be like Shara.

Also, it's goddamn cold and windy in Chicago today. The temperature is 26 degrees, but the wind chill is 12. The wind is 23mph, gusting to 32mph. (Thanks, Weather.com!) It's really no fun.

Okay, when I start talking about the weather, I think it means it's time to stop. (Also, I make too many parenthetical statements.)

2005-10-24T00:45:00.000-05:00

Coal Mining Miniature Golf (West Virginia)
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Behold, yet another of those disjointed posts with no logical connections:

Over the, oh, eight years or so that I've maintained a website or some sort, I tend to go back and forth about checking my visitor statistics. Sometimes I check them twice a week or more; other times, I'll completely ignore them for months. Especially as the years have passed, it's been a lot more the latter, but in the last couple weeks I've found renewed interest. This coincides with being linked over at Dave's and a curiousity about who would find me from there. Making the leap of logic that anyone who's going from his site to mine knows us both, i.e. went to high school with us, I'm finding it particularly interesting to look at people's locations.

There are a few locations in New Jersey, but I don't know how many of those are Dave himself. Then there's someone in Vanderbilt Beach, Florida, for example; Swarthmore, Pennsylvania; Newton, Massachusetts (ha! Newton!); and even Caledonia, Michigan, over in my neck of the woods (if by "my neck of the woods" you mean within 200 miles of me). Through my brilliant deductive skills, I think the Michigan one is Byronn Memmelaar (or is he going by Bryan now?), which is kind of interesting. Now, it's not like I had particularly good relationships with most people in high school, but I think Byronn may be the only one I actually had a bad relationship with. We just did not like each other, but for the life of me I can't remember why. (Although interestingly enough, I do remember bumping into him trick-or-treating when we were maybe 7 years old and "reminding" him to say his Ls-- we had speech therapy together that year, I think-- and him glaring at me like he would kill me if he could. I was an irritating little kid. Maybe that was it?) Anyway, he was a perfectly nice person, and I think that mostly I didn't like him because I knew he didn't like me. But now he's married, and apparently in Michigan, so that's cool for him. So if I'm right on that one, I just have to figure out Florida, Massachusetts, and Pennsylvania, but I have no clues for those whatsoever. So if you're here (any of you), comment or e-mail to say hi! I won't bite.

I've finally taken the plunge. After a few years of considering it, I've decided to sign up for NaNoWriMo this year. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about, NaNoWriMo is short for National Novel Writing Month. It's when tens of thousands of folks around the world make a committment to write a 50,000-word novel in the month of November. It's basically designed for people like me who keep telling themselves that they're going to write a novel someday but never seem to get around to it, and for people (also like me) who are so perfectionistic about their writing that they write and rewrite the first couple of pages instead of making real progress. Anyway, I'm both excited and nervous about it-- excited because I can tell that I'll get much further on this than I would without the NaNoWriMo framework and support system, but nervous because it's a tremendous challenge which I don't know if I can succeed at. But I guess that's the whole point; I can't know that I'll succeed, I've just got to give it my best effort, think positively, and see what happens. And I think that I'm going to learn a lot from the experience, no matter how it ends up. But anyway, don't expect to hear a lot from me here in November. Except maybe I'll be posting my word counts, so you can see how I'm doing and yell at me and keep me on track.

The White Sox are in the World Series! The nice thing about being a transplanted rather than native-born Chicagoan, with my strongest baseball loyalties firmly attached to the Yankees, is that I can get just as excited about either the White Sox or the Cubs being in the playoffs, without any of that deep-seated animosity stuff. It's not as wild this year as it was with the Cubs in 2003-- there are just a lot more Cubs fans in Chicago-- but it's still fun. Alex and I watched the end of Game 5 of the ALCS at the ESPNZone, and we've seen Games 1 and 2 of the World Series at local bars; we're not big sports-in-bars types, but it's the fun of the atmosphere and being around devoted fans, more than anything. (Plus, there are lots of good food and drink specials.) It is pretty neat to experience-- it wasn't quite the same when the Yankees won, because experiencing it in rural New Jersey is not like being in the heart of NYC. (Except going to the victory parades. Those were cool.)

Also: baseball should institute instant replay, to be used at the umpires' discretion only. Discuss.

Also, go #21 Northwestern! We're back in the Top 25 for the first time in four years. We've won 3 games in a row (including the one against Wisconsin, which I was at), and are 5-2; the defense is atrocious, but our offense is one of the best in the country. We should have bowl eligibility easily (we just need to win one of the next four, and one of them is against Illinois), and now it's a question of contending for first in the Big Ten. Of course, we've learned that whether you tie for first place (2000), or squeak into bowl contention with a .500 record (2003), the results are basically the same: a crappy bowl which no one cares about. But still, it'll be fun to see how far we go.

In keeping with the disconnected nature of this post, the picture is from a miniature golf course in West Virginia. All of the holes were designed using real, used equipment from coal mines, including that big tube. All except the giant 30-foot-tall miner statue you see in the background. That's just Miner John.

Last, and randomest: So the other day, I was walking near someone with a very strong accent which took me a minute to place, but I soon realized she was Scottish. Anyway, I was close enough to hear her for less than five minutes, yet in that time, she mentioned: a) bagpipes; b) kilts; and c) haggis. It was bizarre. I think this was the first time I'd ever been near a Scot in person, and I just happened to bump into a walking, talking Scottish stereotype. Unless they're all like that...

2005-10-05T23:41:00.000-05:00

Okay, considering that we're a week into October, this is probably a little bit delayed, but better late than never, right? Anyway, for your perusing pleasure, here's my summer in numbers and pictures.

This summer I:

Welcome to Iowa!
Originally uploaded by brittgm.
spent time in 11 states (IL, WI, MI, IA, MO, NY, NJ, PA, MD, VA, WV) -- 13 if I cheat and count drive-throughs IN and DE-- and the District of Columbia

From the Arch, 1 1/2 Stadiums (St. Louis)
Originally uploaded by brittgm.
saw a baseball game in seven stadiums-- 8 1/2 if I count the long periods of time I spent inspecting the outside of Comerica in Detroit and the under-construction new Busch Stadium in St. Louis.

visited 4 of the top 10 and 7 of the top 20 metropolitan areas in the country (Chicago, NYC, DC, Detroit, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, St. Louis)

Personal Rapid Transit (Morgantown, WV)
Originally uploaded by brittgm.
traveled by plane, train, bus, car, and four cities' public transportation systems

Home Sweet Tent
Originally uploaded by brittgm.
slept in 12 different beds and one tent

Fallingwater
Originally uploaded by brittgm.
took more than 700 digital pictures

create your own personalized map of the USA
... and did it all in a little 800 by 300 square mile rectangle, from St. Louis to southwestern Wisconsin to Washington DC to New York City.

2005-09-20T22:32:00.000-05:00

My Childhood Bedroom-- in Pink!
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

It seems that Dave Hosier, who was in most of my classes in high school, has a blog now. Dave not only engages in one of my favorite procrastinating pastimes, Googling random people one knows/knew, but he's helping me out by sticking them (or should I say us?) up on his website. I think he thinks I'm a bit of a freak, as he seems to be rather conservative, unsurprisingly (not that I remember ever having a political discussion with him or anyone else in high school except Rich, but considering that we grew up in Sussex County, the reddest county in our blue state, where about 10% of registered voters are Democrats, it's hardly against the odds). But that's okay; I can forgive almost anything to someone from high school with an interesting and well-written blog (I'd probably keep reading anyway thanks to my natural curiosity-- plus goodness knows I keep following all of the other 15,000 blogs I've ever laid eyes on-- but it being a good read in and of itself is a plus).

Unfortunately for both of us, finding our classmates online is hard work, which baffles me a little bit. I am probably the most Google-able of anyone in our class (except Jenny, if you remember to search under Jenny Owen Youngs, but I'm half-inclined to say being a musician is cheating). I really do not understand how I can accumulate 40+ web mentions in the course of my daily life, while I'm hard-pressed to find anything at all on 90% of other people I search for.

It's a real shame, too, since my natural curiousity about the lives of folks I knew way back when (way to sound 40 instead of 23, Britt!) is compounded by the fact that I rarely go back to Sussex County or talk to most of the people I knew there. (Moving 700 miles away, with parents moving 250 miles away, can do that.) Rich catches me up on the gossip occasionally, but mostly, it seems like a whole other world, quietly tucked away in the middle of nowhere. Nowadays when I'm asked where in NJ I'm from, I always answer "Oh, just way up north, nowhere you'd know"-- even when a fellow New Jerseyan presses and I mention the county by name, they usually just smile and nod in a blank sort of "Yeah, the name sounds vaguely familiar" way. I was actually really excited the other day when I got asked, "Oh, is that near Sparta?" It's hard to explain... it was this rare acknowledgement that yes, the place I lived for seventeen years does actually concretely exist. Don't laugh; it seriously feels like a parallel universe sometimes.

So anyway, what I was getting at is that Googling from afar would be ideal, if people could actually manage to get their names all over the web! I really am interested in what people are up to, in a genuine albeit not terribly intense sort of way. I was kind of disappointed that we're not having a five-year reunion... we're at such an interesting age right now! We're working, in grad school, married, engaged, buying homes, and probably at least a couple of folks have babies already. But I guess I've just got to wait five more years. Or hope that people start doing more web-worthy stuff. Or that all their counterparts with identical names get name changes, or something, so I don't keep getting thousands of results and (momentarily) wondering things like, "Did Mike Osorio become a brain-damaged murder witness? Or a unicycling Marine?" Alas, I don't think the world is going to indulge me. But hey, at least now I know what one more person is up to.

(By the way, the picture deserves a bit of explanation-- that's my room in the house I grew up in, the place I slept for fifteen years. No, when it was mine, it wasn't pink-- that's the work of our last tenants and their little girl. I snapped the picture while we were working on the house inbetween tenants, and it's about the only picture actually taken in Sussex County out of the 1,800 on my computer.)

2005-09-02T19:19:00.000-05:00

Atop the Arch, St. Louis
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

It's been forever since I've written here. I don't know why. I haven't been doing a lot of writing lately, period. Not here, as you may have noticed; not in my personal notebook, either. For a while, I was doing a good job of writing everyday in my grey sketchbook, stretching my fingertips and my creativity. It was not only enjoyable, but on a certain level I could sense it was healthy, good for me-- like devouring a salad when you're really craving one, when it's not only delicious but part of the satisfaction is that it's nourishing and filling a need your body has. Anyway, conversely, I can tell that when I'm not writing it's not healthy, that an important part of me is shriveling up from disuse. But nonetheless, that doesn't mean I don't often lapse, and lately I have. There's just been this sort of wall of detachment that I keep running into. (That and the practical side of it, of course. Not only have I traded the long El commute with its abundance of writing time for a brisk 10-minute walk to work, but I've been out of town a hell of a lot this summer.)

Anyway, consequently, there are about seven million things I could write about, and so I think this is going to be a long, meandering, and incoherent entry. Sorry-- you'll just have to bear with me.

Union Miners' Cemetery (Mother Jones' Gravesite)
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

So yeah, I've kind of been all over the place since I wrote last. A short but satisfying weekend in St. Louis, where we managed to pack a visit to Mother Jones' grave, a trip up the Arch, a Cardinals game, a visit to Alex's friend Nan, and frozen custard with Sarah into two days... a week and a half for Alex and I in DC, NYC, and New Jersey, visiting not only my family and my grandparents, but also Rich (and Morgan), Katie (and Matt), and Joe Vess and Nick, all of which was just great and which I could write pages about all on its own... and most recently, almost two weeks out east, between a conference for work and a week traveling with my family in West Virginia and western Pennsylvania. It's been two months since we moved into the new apartment, and I've spent more than half of it away. And now for Labor Day weekend, Alex and I are going camping in southwestern Wisconsin.

So that's part of the story of my summer thus far. Another part is that, happily, almost every week I've been in town I've either gone up to Evanston or my Evanston friends have come downtown to visit. This is, of course, a wonderful thing... not only is it a very nice reassurance that living 45 minutes away doesn't mean that I'm isolated from everyone, but it's also spending time with folks in a way that I didn't even when right nearby this past year-- thanks both to my failure to be actively social, and the busy-ness of the school year for everyone else. So this is something pretty new, and very nice; I feel more content with my friendships than I have in a really long time.

It's hard to find words for what's going on in New Orleans (and the rest of that area)... it's heartbreaking and horrifying and infuriating. The disaster may have been triggered by a natural event, but a huge proportion of the hell that tens of thousands of people are suffering is because of the priorities of our society-- and the fact that neither thoughtful prevention and preparation nor the lives of poor black people rank very high on that list. As far as I'm concerned, there is no excuse whatsoever for a situation like this. There's so much more I want to say, but it's hard to articulate; my thoughts get tangled up in pain and anger and disgust. Perhaps in a little while...

I suppose I ought to wait until I actually have something to offer before unveiling this, but what the hell. I'm jumping on the bandwagon (ie Ky le and Ja ke) and coming up with separate personal and political blogs-- not because I have trouble separating the two currently, but that I don't actually get around to writing political stuff on a regular basis, and maybe if I set something aside for it, I will. So I'm transforming my previous failed attempt at a second site-- putting the name "Closer to Fine" (which I like quite a lot) into storage for now, but keeping the previous posts, which all are more or less political anyway. Wish me luck.

There's so much more to say, but I'm almost literally on my way out the door for some Labor Day weekend camping with Alex, so it'll have to wait for next time. And "next time" will be soon, I promise!

2005-07-11T21:53:00.000-05:00

Apartment View at Sunset
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Well, hello there. Sorry it's been a while. Things have been pretty busy for the last month. I had a whole entry almost ready two weeks ago, but I didn't get it up before we lost internet access at the apartment in Evanston, and we only got connected here in Chicago on Friday. And that entry is full of references in the future tense to things that are now in the past tense (like moving, and driving to Detroit) so I suppose it's better to just start from scratch.

There's so much to talk about, I don't even know where to begin. The new apartment is awesome, awesome, awesome. We lucked into a bigger apartment at the last moment (a 1BR instead of a convertible; the guy in the one we were supposed to get wasn't able to move out in time, and this was what's available). That means a slightly larger bedroom and living room, and a much larger kitchen, which is wonderful-- we've ended up with an almost perfect amount of space for us. It also means we're on the 22nd floor instead of the 4th; so, not stairs-accessible, but with a very nice view. It's pretty much straight west, so there's no real skyline view or anything (although if you put your face up against the window and look south, you can see the Sears Tower), but there are beautiful sunsets. And on the Fourth of July, we got to see an incredible sort-of-panoramic fireworks display; fireworks shows in fifteen or twenty different suburbs at once, ringing the horizon with miniature multicolored bursts. It was out of this world, like nothing I've ever seen before.

But the really great thing about the apartment is location, location, location. You can walk to everything! In the ten days we've been here, I've walked to Millennium Park or Grant Park four times (20-25 minutes walk). There's a million restaurants around, and all sorts of stores within walking distance (luckily not all ritzy). And, of course, the best part-- a ten-minute walk to work (eight when I speedwalk and the lights go my way). I've only done it three days so far, but the saved time is priceless. I can get up 45-50 minutes later in the morning, which is damn amazing. And theoretically I'll be getting home 45 minutes earlier in the evenings, although it hasn't happened quite that way so far.

Another piece of the location that's pretty good is that we're two blocks from the Chicago El stop, and ten minutes or so from the intercampus shuttle between NU's Chicago and Evanston campuses. Hopefully this will be good for spending time with folks still in Evanston. Already on Saturday, Peter came down for the evening; we got dinner, went to one of the Grant Park Orchestra's free concerts, and then came back to my apartment and watched a movie. It was excellent, and I hope it's at least a semi-regular occurrence. And I'll probably head up to Evanston some night this week and/or next.

Geez, all this gushing about the new apartment, and I haven't gotten a chance to talk about my trip to Detroit for work last week, the 300-mile drive, and the wild adventure it involved (short version: driving there was easy and much better than I expected. Driving back was nothing like I expected). But maybe I'll save that for next time.

2005-06-10T19:58:00.000-05:00

And of course I do an update on my New Year's resolutions now that I'm finally making progress on a couple...

1. Keep exercising 30 minutes every day (brisk walking). Start doing additional higher-intensity workouts at least 1-2 times a week, hopefully more often over time. Okay, not doing as well on this as I should be, but hopefully the new apartment will change that.

2. Start volunteering somewhere on a weekly basis. Why the heck haven't I done this yet? Damn. I have an application form sitting around somewhere in my apartment, but I've lost track of it. I should send for another one. I repeat, why the heck haven't I done this yet?

3. Renew my library card at the Evanston library, and start taking out books and reading on the El. There's no reason I should spend 40 minutes twice a day staring out the window. I think I have taken out more books from the Evanston library in the last 4 months than in the previous 4 school years. Maybe twice as many.

4. Write more. More (and better) entries here, but also fiction. I've always wanted to try NaNoWriMo, and maybe I can do it this year, but there's no way I can pull it off if I'm as rusty at writing on November 1 as I am now. And if that's too ambitious, I can at least try to come up with some short pieces. Writing Protest articles is good, and I certainly write enough memos at work, but I want to be more expressive and more creative. Finally got inspired about two weeks ago-- bought a grey blank book to carry in my bag and have been writing on the train. I've got to stick to it, but now I've started, and that's half the battle.

5. Do the dishes more often; at the very least, commit to making sure that the sink is completely dish-free by the end of every weekend. Okay, so not so great at this. But the new apartment will have a dishwasher. And then I can just commit to putting all the dishes in the dishwasher. Plan B.

6. Don't turn on the TV before 11pm on weekdays. See, I've come to the conclusion that really, the internet is more damaging than TV. I mostly have the TV on while I'm on the internet, and if I didn't, I'd probably get bored with the TV pretty quickly and turn it off. So really, I should be making some sort of resolution about less internet. But damn, that's hard.

7. Make lunches at home. Yes, having $1 cup 'o' soups every day is cheaper than going out to eat, but if I bring actual lunches from home, it'll probably be cheaper, healthier, and more interesting. I'm definitely doing more of this than pre-New Year's, but still probably less than half of the time. I can do better.

8. Make more interesting and complicated meals, instead of the same endless rotation (spaghetti, potatoes, stir-fry, rice and beans, rinse and repeat). Try to make a new and/or challenging meal at least every weekend. Took a loooong hiatus from this from about March through May, but have finally gotten back into it. On top of the fondue on Saturday, in the last week I've made lasagna, potato-crusted salmon, and rhubarb crisp (which is not really a meal, but give me the creative part). And I'm going to do some sort of interesting bean thing in the crockpot any day now, really.

9. Work hard at making, improving, and maintaining friendships, even when it's awkward and difficult. Do what's necessary to spend time with people, instead of taking the lazy road and then moping about it. Eh. Middling, I guess. I'm hoping for a good summer.

2005-05-31T00:29:00.000-05:00

Random and disconnected updates:

New apartment! (model)
Originally uploaded by brittgm.
We have an apartment! We're cutting down on space (since our current apartment has too much to spare), which means that for the same amount of rent, we're downtown within walking distance of my work and Alex's classes, plus we get a dishwasher, fitness room, pool (tiny, but indoors), and jacuzzi. Between the convenience (cutting down my commute time from 1 1/2 hours round-trip to 10 minutes each way), the additional exercise (walking to and from work, plus the fitness room in the building which I'll hopefully actually use), and the dishwasher (it's been TOO long!), I'm quite pleased. Now we've just got to manage the packing-- ugh.

U2
Originally uploaded by Grains And Light.
The U2 concerts were a lot of fun. The only sad part is that I built my expectations so high, so that even though they were among the best concerts I've ever been to, there's still a bit of a lingering let-down. There are a number of reasons for that, including: a) cheap nosebleed seats so far away from the intensity around the stage; b) almost exactly the same setlist the two nights in a row, which is understandable but a little disappointing; and c) the fact that I think I watched the ZooTV DVD a few too many times, and so despite the fact that I knew what to expect from this tour, deep down I was hoping for a bit more glamour, showmanship, and, well, MacPhisto. That being said, though, they were amazing nonetheless. I put the first night up there with my other two favorite shows ever, Simon & Garfunkel and Travis. (It's funny to think about how all three were wonderful in such very different ways.) And I'm going to try to go to another concert when they're back in Chicago in September, and see if I can get close to the stage, although unfortunately I think my options for that are paying astronomical amounts of money and/or the general admission section (which is a pretty risky choice for me, both because if I don't end up really close I won't be able to see a thing because of my height, and because, for some reason probably having to do with bad posture, standing for extended periods of time makes my legs and body ache miserably, and this would probably require 6 hours or so).

So I recently learned about something called co-housing, and I'm really excited. See, it's only logical that the first home I purchase is going to be a condo, both for space and cost reasons. But I've always been kind of freaked out by the idea, specifically about condo associations and all the horror stories I've heard about them. (For those of you who don't know much about condos: basically, it's just a big apartment building except that people buy and own the individual apartments. They elect a condo association, which charges condo fees to maintain the common areas of the building, and sets all sorts of rules to maintain the integrity and basically the property value of the building.) Anyway, co-housing is similar, except that it's based on principles of building community, participatory democracy, and non-hierarchical consensus-based decision-making. Everyone's involved in the decisions, and there's a conscious intention to consider values beyond merely financial-- for example, many co-housing communities have cutting-edge environmentally friendly technology. There aren't many of these co-housing communities (they're not all condo buildings, sometimes they're a community of townhomes or single-family homes), but there's a half-dozen or so in the DC area, which is currently the most likely bet for my first foray into homeownership. I think it would just be wonderful to end up in a place like that.

Madison BratFest
Originally uploaded by brittgm.
I was up in Madison, Wisconsin, this past weekend, visiting Alex's family. On Saturday, we went to this very strange thing called BratFest. It's a bratwurst festival (apparently bratwurst is very popular up in Wisconsin; there was also some at the family picnic on Sunday, and the sports bar we went to was called State Street Brats). Basically the only food there is bratwurst, and they sell them for $1 each with the proceeds for charity, and try to set a new world record (which seems to involve breaking their previous year's record). This year they're going for 200,000 sold over the 4-day festival. They also had vegetarian bratwursts, so I went ahead and had one. It was very tasty; I've had vegetarian hotdogs before many times-- I have some in my fridge right now-- but this had a different and interesting flavor. (But everyone asks me if it tasted like real bratwurst, and I don't know, because I've never had one made out of meat!)

And last, but not least, is my adventure this evening. After a nearly five-hour-long odyssey (bus to O'Hare, airport monorail, bus to Evanston), I finally made my way back to my own front porch this evening at around 7. As I dug through my pockets for my key, a sinking sensation began to hit me, and I was suddenly sure that I hadn't taken my key when I left early Saturday morning. Since Alex wasn't planning to return until the following night, this posed a problem. After a brief moment of panic ("Where am I going to get a key? Who do I even call? Who'll be in on Memorial Day? What do I do?") I decided to explore all possible avenues. I pushed at the back door and jiggled the handle of the front door for 5 minutes, to no avail. I attempted to use a credit card to pick the lock on the front door. Then it was time for the windows. There are two that are relatively large and close to the ground (i.e., about 4 feet up), but as much as I tried, their storm windows were solidly in place and would not budge from the outside.

Breaking In
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

2005-05-08T02:44:00.000-05:00

Little Flowers
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

I'm not sure how it's been a month since I've written in here-- I'm not sure how it's been a month since early April, really. The time seems to have flown.

Work has been a challenge lately. I feel more behind and lost now than I did 3 months ago or 6 months ago. I guess it's just that I and those around me feel like after more than a year, I'm not new anymore, so maybe the expectations are higher. But I realize that there is so much more to the working world than I imagined before I started, and sometimes I feel like I'm wandering through a minefield without a map. Okay, maybe that's a little overdramatic. But there is so much to get the hang of, and often I find myself thinking, "I wish I wasn't at my first job anymore!" (Not that I want to leave my job itself-- I like it a lot-- but I'm just tired of not having any context or basis of comparison for things.)

I've had a bit more social interaction than usual, lately, which is certainly good. Last weekend I hung out over at Kyle's with him and Peter and Sharlyn. And then tonight I spent a couple hours at Cafe Mud with Sharlyn and Rebecca. Both times, it was fun and nice and casual-- the kind of things that make me wonder why the hell it doesn't happen more often.

I guess part of it's just coming to terms with the fact that I need to push myself into these situations. Even if I'm quite comfortable with the people themselves, like Kyle and Peter and Sharlyn and Rebecca, I'm still not really comfortable with initiating-- I want to be sought out, or else I'll feel like I'm forcing myself in. But honestly, that approach just doesn't make sense for my life. What I have is casual friends who'd be glad to hang out with me but aren't going to go out of their way to seek me out, and so waiting to be asked is a recipe for social isolation. I've let that go on for too long, and I need to go ahead and take more initiative, which I've been attempting lately.

There was this odd moment a couple weeks ago, walking back from SEJ with Kyle, where we stood for a few long minutes at the corner where we usually part ways, and I more or less pleaded for him to find somewhere to pencil me into his always-busy schedule. Afterwards, when I was walking away, I had this odd sort of frustrated depressed feeling. I'm so very uncomfortable being in that position, where I feel like I'm practically begging. And with Kyle, it seems it's always that way. He always says very earnestly that we should get together sometime but he's very busy right now, and I say okay and wait for him to get back to me, and in the almost two years I've known him I think we've only spent time together one-on-one once or twice (aside from our little five-minute walks back from SEJ). I've always had this sense that Kyle and I had the potential to be really good friends, but I never know where I stand with him, and it seems like almost a parallel-universe scenario. I dunno. I just wish things were different, but I don't know if they ever will be.

Well, I ought to get some sleep. I intended to get a lot more cleaning done tonight, in advance of my sister coming into town this week. And U2 concerts, Monday and Tuesday! (Not that the cleaning has anything to do with those. But go with me here.) Take care, y'all.

2005-04-16T12:34:00.000-05:00

Lakefill 4/10
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Written Sunday, April 10, 1pm

So here I am. It feels like years since I've had free time like this-- even though "free time like this" means two hours between Meredith leaving and the SEJ meeting/workday that's about to begin. But it feels like an amazing luxury right now, even though I must surely have had two hours free sometime in the last six or eight weeks. Because it's sunny and beautiful, instead of late at night; because I'm alert and calm instead of exhausted; because, although there are still hundreds of things I need to do, I will have time tonight after SEJ ends to work on them, so I can choose to forget about them all for a little while. Perhaps I ought to be using this time to tackle some of them, make some progress... but something tells me that taking this little bit of mental health time is what I really need.

So I'm sitting out here by the lake under the warm spring sun, my backpack over-filled with my laptop and my digital camera and my library books and my waterbottle, staring out at the green and blue and white, munching on potato chips and trying to figure out how to possibly put into words the many things that are in my head, that have been in my thoughts for the past weeks. There's one thing, in particular, that I want to write about but can't, which has been intense and meaningful and, I think, transformative for me in some sense, even though it's only been a week. But I have to remember that I'm throwing these words out into the world at large. So I'll just give you a few hints-- it's about justice and empowerment and solidarity and courage and social change and movement-building-- and if you want to ask me about it, I'll talk your ear off.

Anyway, Meredith left just a little while ago. It was great to have her here. Better than I expected, frankly; the last time I saw her, about a year and a half ago, it was nice but very awkward and strange, as if we were floating around in some sort of after-image of a friendship that belonged in the past. But it wasn't like that this weekend. She was Meredith and I was Britt and it all seemed to work itself out. And I can't tell you how glad I am about that.

I've been thinking a lot lately-- in much of my free time, which, as discussed, has not been prevalent-- about what it is that nourishes me, about what I need as a person. I was talking to one of my co-workers on a long car ride a few weeks ago, and she said that she had learned that if she did not find enough time to run and to swing dance regularly, that she knew she'd be out-of-sorts, not-quite-right in all the other pieces of her life. I read something similar in someone's journal, talking about how they need color and exercise and writing and good food, need them in some fundamental way, that they are not themselves without that.

I wonder what those things are for me. I don't think I've figured it out yet, and I'm out-of-sorts enough that I think it would do me a lot of good to learn what it is I need. I have some guesses; that it involves reading and writing, and not just reading history books and writing on this webpage (although they're both important too) but reading and writing fiction, which I often let slide. That it involves art, too, something visual and creative that I can be proud of, whether it's taking pictures or decorating cookies. That it probably includes exercise to keep me healthy and active and alert, despite how I often recoil at the thought.

And it's got to involve people, too, human interaction, friendships. It's often been true of my life, and it certainly is right now, that while I crave connection and meaningful relationships, I'm often much more comfortable on my own. There are so few interactions with people that I feel comfortable with, and so time with others becomes, not nourishment for my soul, but self-consciousness and stress and the ever-present burden of hope and longing. I know I need strong friendships for a rich, full life-- I just need to figure out how to get there in a healthy (and non-counterproductive!) way.

2005-03-30T23:46:00.000-06:00

Easter cookies
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Yeah, so I haven't written in a while. Work has been... insane. I thought it was insane prior to three weeks ago, but that was nothing compared to now. Before this 3-day weekend, I worked 14 days in a row (ie, no weekends) for a total of about 160 hours. There was one stretch where I worked 38 hours over a three-day period. Yeah. Add in at least two hours per day in transit (it takes a lot longer to get home at night when you can't catch the express train during rush hour), and I haven't been spending much time at home. (Although, despite what I thought last time I wrote, I only ended up spending two days in the field and the rest in the office.)

But this past weekend, I finally got to spend a few days away from work-- yay!-- and to see family and friends-- double yay!

I flew into DC late Thursday night, and on Friday we drove up to the house in New Jersey, working on preparing it for another renter-- which means trying to sort through the incredible amount of stuff we have in boxes. We came across all sorts of things. One was a notepad my mom kept around the time I was born, including writing about staring into my eyes and thinking how beautiful I was, and also a list of potential baby names. Now, I don't want to give you the wrong impression about my parents' taste, because there were a good 50-60 names on the pad, and most of them were absolutely beautiful. But the list included the names Pinky and Princess. Wow.

Anyway, there was much more. There was a journal entry I wrote in January 1991-- when I was just turning 9-- opposing the Gulf War. There were tons of photos from the 1970s, including from my parents' wedding and from summer 1970 when my then 17-year-old mom volunteered with Cesar Chavez and the United Farm Workers. There was, of course, all sorts of stuff from my grandfather. There was... far too much to try to list it all.

So we spent Friday night and most of Saturday cleaning and sorting, with a brief time-out for me to decorate the cookies you see above (which I baked on Friday before we left). They came out pretty well for a first try, but I definitely want to practice a lot more until I get really good at it-- it seems like such a fun hobby!

Then, on Saturday night, I got to see Rich and Morgan again. It was really nice, and I kept thinking how much I wished we lived nearer to eachother. Rich and I... there are a lot of ways we're quite different, certainly, but on some level we really are kindred spirits, I think. It's a good feeling, and a good friendship. (And I just get good vibes from Morgan, even though she's been pretty quiet the two times I've seen her so I can't say I know her very well yet.)

And then Sunday was the family day-- we stopped in to visit my mom's parents for breakfast, before heading over for Easter with my dad's side of the family. The cousins were adorable as ever, with Katie in particular adding a bit more pretty red hair and a ton of new words since I saw her last. Then a six-hour drive to Maryland, arriving past 1am, and getting up before 6am to catch a plane back to Chicago, and you have one very tired Britt back at work who wonders when she gets a lie-around-and-do-nothing weekend. (Answer: not very soon; I'll be out of town again next weekend, and then the following weekend Meredith will be visiting, which will be wonderful but not particularly conducive to unstructured laziness and sloth.) But that's okay. I've been running in crazy stressful mode for almost two months now; I can make it another three weeks.

2005-03-11T23:23:00.000-06:00

Chicago's Chinatown
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Just checking in for a bit. Springfield went pretty well, but I came back with a nasty cold, and starting yesterday, I'm out in the field indefinitely for work instead of in my usual comfortable place behind a desk. It pushes me out of my element and my comfort zone, which is probably a good thing, but yesterday it was just lousy-- between it being new and me feeling awkward, the biting cold and wind and the wet snow/rain/sleet, the long hours, and losing my cell phone (which was found on the El and returned by a good samaritan, thank goodness).

Anyway, the stress and the weather made my already-bad cold worse, and so today I stayed home. It was a welcome rest, and I think I'm feeling better, so that's good. I have to go back in and work long hours tomorrow and Sunday, so hopefully taking today off will be enough to get me through.

I'd been planning to go to Louisville tomorrow for the Taco Bell protest, but lo and behold, this week the workers won! It's such excellent news-- those workers have been fighting for so long, and this is a big victory, a 60-80% raise. And it's even more than that, because it's about forcing the corporations at one end of the production/consumption chains to take responsibility for the effects they have on the people at the other end-- a victory over the ceaseless attempts to weasel out of things when the relationship is not perfectly direct. So yay for them! And I'd love to go to the protest-turned-celebration, but between a) being sick and b) having to work, it's not going to happen.

(And now I can finally eat Taco Bell again after boycotting it for a whole three years; I've had intermittent cravings for it all that time, which is probably because I no longer remember how bad it is, but there's only one way to find out!)

I had deeper thoughts I was hoping to articulate, but then again, I thought that with today off, I'd start writing earlier than 10:45pm. I've got to be out the door at 8am tomorrow, and I still need some extra sleep to keep me healthy, so I'll put that off until tomorrow or the next day.

2005-03-07T00:13:00.000-06:00

Across the Lagoon
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Ask and ye shall receive, apparently. Today was absolutely gorgeous, and Alex and I took a wonderful walk, marred only slightly by the fact that on the first day the temperature would allow me to wear sandals I couldn't find them anywhere. It was the first day of spring, despite what the calendar says, and though I've no doubt that we'll soon be plunged back into the cold, long Chicago winter, you've got to take these days when you can find them.

I'm all packed up to hit the road to Springfield tomorrow morning. I have about five changes of clothes in my bag, because I'm not sure what will look best/be more appropriate, so naturally I'll put off the final decision until Tuesday morning. Geez, I'm nervous. As much as it sometimes seems like the government in Springfield is just like ASG, and the Tribune and Sun-Times like the Daily, it's really a much bigger deal. But, enough dwelling. Just wish me luck.

2005-03-06T01:40:00.000-06:00

Water Garden
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

So what's new with me?

On the stressful-crazy-overwhelmed scale from 1 to 10, I'm down to about a 6, from a 9.5 earlier in the week. But work is going to stay intense and demanding for the next month or two at least. This Monday and Tuesday, I'll be down in Springfield (the state capital), and on Tuesday, I'll be one of the people fielding questions from journalists at a press conference. This scares the crap out of me, because even in small and silly situations, I'm constantly worried that I'm going to say something wrong which will have dire consequences; now that the situation actually is a Big Deal, I'm rather petrified. I know intellectually that it will likely all be fine, but still, nervous nervous nervous. I really need to develop some self-confidence sooner or later, because I can tell that in life I'm going to need more of it than I've got.

It's really odd how much it varies whether the Peace Project stuff I do feels like work or like fun, and the distinction is much more evident when I'm already in a high-stress, overwhelmed state. The week before last, I came home from a long hard day at work and went straight to a SEJ meeting, and I was practically hopeless by the end of it. My mind was shot, and I was feeling emotionally panicky, and it was just awful. And last Tuesday, when I came home from work (after working for about 25 of the previous 32 hours, plus two or more hours lying in bed trying and failing to sleep because I'd had too much caffeine), I just collapsed and could not bring myself to go to SEJ-- my body and my brain couldn't handle it, I desperately needed to relax. But the other day at the Protest meeting, it was more like a bunch of people hanging out and laughing and enjoying eachother's company, and the "working on the Protest" part just happened to be why we were there. Even though it theoretically should've been a stressful thing since we were aiming to get the whole issue finished that night, it felt much more like a social, fun time-- a break and a relief from the stresses of life-- than more work. And that happens often at SEJ meetings, too. So, I don't know. Sometimes it just seems pretty random. I feel like this is something I need to think more about as I decide how involved I'm going to be next year.

I've been reading Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States on the El for the last week, a heavy, fat book that is broad but not deep. It's great, because almost every chapter brings up one or more events or stories that I want to learn more about; this one book will probably prompt me to find and read at least a dozen more. I do really love history, and I'm glad to be digging into it again.

I want to go out and take some more pictures, now that I know that I can share them. More of the traditional "pretty ones" (like most of what I've done so far), but also trying to take interesting and unique photos, taking advantage of my unlimited "film" and seeing what happens. I'm tired of winter, I hope it warms up soon.

2005-02-26T00:28:00.000-06:00

Chinaman's Hat
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

I think this photoblogging could be a very good thing. Not only is it fun to share the pictures, but it's also motivation to put up entries even if I haven't got much to say.

And I really haven't got much to say, today. Work has been crazy-making lately; yesterday, I was at work from 9:45am to 9:15pm, and continued working on the El trip home and on the computer at home until past midnight. It hasn't been quite that bad everyday, but I certainly haven't been home before 8 all week, and the days have been busy and stressful. I end up collapsing at night with a fried brain... much like right now, in fact, which is why I find it so difficult to be eloquent or even coherent, really. Maybe later this weekend, once my brain gets a chance to relax and de-stress a bit (although I need to put in a bunch of time for work on Sunday). So you can just kick back and enjoy the picture from Hawai'i for now...

2005-02-20T23:01:00.000-06:00

Desert Garden
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

As you can see, I've decided to try to find a way to share some of the 966 digital pictures I've taken since I got my camera last June. This is from the set I took last weekend at the Chocolate Fest at the Garfield Park Conservatory; along with nibbling on free samples of chocolate, I snapped about 30 pictures of the plants and flowers, so there'll be more of these to come. (And take a look over to your right... you can click on any of the small pictures, and it'll take you to a page with a description. I recommend my two adorable little cousins at the bottom.)

So in other news, life has been going fairly well. Work has been challenging, stressful, and frustrating, but hell, it's just work. And very good things have been happening in the grand scheme of the project I'm working on, even though my particular workload has not been enjoyable.

And as far as people... I suppose there's nothing to write home about, but the general trend is good. Two weekends ago, I went to the Peace Project brunch discussion. There were only four of us there, but I actually liked that, because it was a lot more cozy and we were able to carry on a single conversation instead of splitting into two or three, the way it happens when there's a dozen people. It was a good discussion, and a fun, friendly experience. Then last weekend, I went to the co-op's Valentine's Day party. It was better than most parties I've been to, which is to say that it wasn't lousy and there were relatively few moments of awkwardness. There were at least 5 or 6 people I could stand around talking to without feeling like I was forcing my company on them. Almost all of the people I'm casually friendly with in Evanston were there, and I was able to chat a bit with all of them. It still isn't the kind of thing I'd choose as a fun way to spend an evening, but it was a pretty painless way to socialize. And it's definitely necessary to keep doing it; the utterly shocked and puzzled look on Sharlyn's face when she saw me there ("Britt? You never go to parties!") is evidence enough of that.

And then on Friday night, we had a SEJ evening. I met up with Kyle, Pat, Sharlyn, and Rebecca at a kick-off event for the new Chicago Labor Trail map/guide to Chicago's labor history. It was interesting, and I discovered that Erik, the grad student who taught my history seminar last year, was one of the people working on the project. We talked afterwards, and that was really nice-- I like him a lot, so it was good to talk to him again, plus he seemed happy to see me and made me feel good about my job. Anyway, from there, we went to see "The Take" at the Music Box Theatre, which I highly recommend to all. I walked out of the theater with such a sense of hope and optimism and possibility. It was beautiful. Then we ended up across the street, drinking coffee and talking about all sorts of things. Again, just... nice.

Yeah. I don't know. It's definitely a stretch to say that my life is great or wonderful in any sort of way. But, stress or no stress, right now I feel like things are pretty good. (Ask me again tomorrow, though...)

Finally, your resolution updates (not because I think you care, but because if I don't keep reminding myself, they'll fade into obscurity):
1. Mostly.
2. Finally made some initial inquiries.
3. Kicking this one's ass-- just took out 4 more books today, which makes about 15 so far this year.
4. Not yet. Although there's a poem floating around in my head.
5. Sort of.
6. Same as before.
7. Last week, I brought lunch from home 4 of 5 days!
8. In the last week I've made eggplant parmesan and slow-cooker black bean chili, as well as making my own french fries.
9. See above. I'm getting there.

Sleigh Ride

2005-02-19T14:11:00.000-06:00

Sleigh Ride
Originally uploaded by brittgm.

Testing... from the trip Alex and I took to northern Wisconsin in December.

2005-02-07T01:10:00.000-06:00

And here I am again. Like always, a ridiculously long time since I last wrote, with a half-dozen conceived but unwritten blog posts in my head that have faded out of possibility again. To name just one, I wanted to write about going to dinner with more than a dozen Peace Project kids and sitting around the Co-op apartment afterwards for hours talking about their Peace Studies seminar... but that was weeks ago, and the time for that has passed, I suppose. The themes will resurface though, sooner or later, I'm sure-- about Peace Project and its past and present and future, about terrific people and not-quite-enough efforts to reach out and connect with them, about activism, about stimulating discussion, about socializing... they're always in my life somewhere.

I have so many tentative connections with people, these days, and I don't seem to be moving forward at all, but mostly barely treading water to keep in place. I keep telling myself I need to try harder to make these things work, but yet every day I put it off until tomorrow. It's hard. I get home, and I'm tired, and it's good to be around Alex, and I go through my little internet routines that fill up hours if I let them, and then suddenly, oops, it's bedtime. Weekends ought to be easier, and I come home on Friday thinking I'm going to IM or e-mail someone and talk about getting together, but Friday night becomes Saturday becomes Sunday and then suddenly I'm looking back at a weekend of missed opportunities and kicking myself. What I need is for people to actively reach out to me and draw me out of my shell, and I'd respond-- but in the reality I'm living in, that's just not going to happen. So I guess I've got to just keep on plugging along, and going to meetings and dinner discussions that may not be very relationship-building but at least are social, and hope that things work out okay in the long run.

I thought I'd be writing more tonight, but it's 1 already and I've got to be at work early tomorrow morning for what's going to be another hectic and stressful week, so I should probably just wait for another time. But before I go, the one-month(ish) update on my New Year's resolutions:
#1: mostly
#2: no
#3: yes
#4: no
#5: somewhat
#6: not really-- partially because Alex has been watching a lot of basketball. But I don't usually pay attention to that, so maybe it counts.
#7: doing better, but still room for improvement
#8: somewhat
#9: nope; see above

2005-01-04T22:48:00.000-06:00

Okay. Here, slightly delayed, is my New Year's entry...

2004 was... an interesting year. A good year, all in all, although not the "shout it from the rooftops" kind of good. It's odd, because 2003 was such a dramatic, roller-coaster of a year, with tremendous highs and lows (mostly lows) and a lot of changes and personal growth. In contrast, when I think about 2004, I almost forget how many changes took place until I remind myself... oh, yeah, that's right. A year ago, I was a full-time college student living with two roommates and getting checks in the mail from my parents, just starting to date Alex. Today, I've got a degree, a full-time job that I've held for 9 months, and an income 10 times higher than ever previously, and I'm sharing a home with my boyfriend.

I guess it feels like even though my life has changed a lot in 2004, I haven't changed too much. I've been pretty low-energy all year long (which I'm discovering is actually pretty common for people entering the working world for the first time, although the almost complete lack of exercise until recently couldn't've helped), and I've been more preoccupied with getting the hang of everything that comes along with this new life-stage than with personal growth and self-improvement.

I think, though, that I've finally made it to the point where I have the basics under control of what it means to be a twenty-something college graduate and working woman, which means (hopefully!) that I'll be able to successfully move forward in the coming year. So, without further ado, here are my New Year's resolutions:

1. Keep exercising 30 minutes every day (brisk walking). Start doing additional higher-intensity workouts at least 1-2 times a week, hopefully more often over time.
2. Start volunteering somewhere on a weekly basis. Why the heck haven't I done this yet?
3. Renew my library card at the Evanston library, and start taking out books and reading on the El. There's no reason I should spend 40 minutes twice a day staring out the window.
4. Write more. More (and better) entries here, but also fiction. I've always wanted to try NaNoWriMo, and maybe I can do it this year, but there's no way I can pull it off if I'm as rusty at writing on November 1 as I am now. And if that's too ambitious, I can at least try to come up with some short pieces. Writing Protest articles is good, and I certainly write enough memos at work, but I want to be more expressive and more creative.
5. Do the dishes more often; at the very least, commit to making sure that the sink is completely dish-free by the end of every weekend.
6. Don't turn on the TV before 11pm on weekdays.
7. Make lunches at home. Yes, having $1 cup 'o' soups every day is cheaper than going out to eat, but if I bring actual lunches from home, it'll probably be cheaper, healthier, and more interesting.
8. Make more interesting and complicated meals, instead of the same endless rotation (spaghetti, potatoes, stir-fry, rice and beans, rinse and repeat). Try to make a new and/or challenging meal at least every weekend.
9. Work hard at making, improving, and maintaining friendships, even when it's awkward and difficult. Do what's necessary to spend time with people, instead of taking the lazy road and then moping about it.

Wish me luck!

2005-01-01T01:44:00.000-06:00

So, what I've been meaning to say is that things have been pretty good over the last month, notwithstanding random emotional moments.

I've been pretty self-disciplined in the last few weeks, or at least, better than I was (not that that's hard). Really, it all comes down to getting the "Oooh, I'm being good, aren't I a terrific, strong person for accomplishing this?" vibes started, and then letting that be incentive to keep going. In the 3 weeks I was home between Thanksgiving and Christmas, I think I only missed getting a half-hour's exercise a day once or twice-- thanks in large part to my new strategy of spending the 15-30 minutes daily that that I'm stuck on El platforms briskly walking from one end to the other, non-stop. People stare, but I'm rather proud of myself for finding a way to get exercise in that doesn't involve much extra time a day. I've been a little worse about it while on vacation, but have managed to get some exercise in at least intermittently. And I have indeed had more energy, which is nice.

After being decidedly anti-social all fall, I managed within the course of one week-- the last week of fall quarter-- to get together with Lexi, with Peter, and go to a party at which I spent time with many people, including Kyle. That goes to show that I only need to put in a little effort and I can spend time with people, I guess. It was all somewhat awkward, and I'm tired of things being awkward, but I know it's a mistake for me to shy away from awkward things because that would mean avoiding pretty much every relationship in my life other than with Alex and my mom. I hate awkwardness, it makes me feel lousy and like I'm forcing my presence on people, but it is pretty much the defining characteristic of my life, and I know I need to grin and bear it if I don't want to spend the rest of my days as a hermit and only have the rare (non-existent?) friendships which unfold perfectly smoothly and comfortably. Which means committing to being more social and trying to make another round of get-togethers happen early on next quarter, and seeing what develops, I guess.

Speaking of friends, I got to see Rich last weekend for the first time in two years, and to finally meet the Morgan I've been hearing about for years, now his fiancee! It was just wonderful to see him again and talk and catch up, although when we stopped by his parents' house his mom was very chatty, and consequently we didn't get to talk as much as I'd hoped. And now I'm wondering how I let two years go by with only a few phone calls, and I'm trying to figure out how to get together with them again practically every time I'm back on the East Coast. Good friends are hard to come by in life, and even though we're horrid about keeping in touch, Rich is a good friend. I want to see him more, and I want to get to know Morgan better. I feel good about making that happen.

I've been having a really nice break. I took two whole weeks off work-- the longest time I've had off, by far, since I started 9 months ago-- and it's just been good to relax. I've been all over. Alex and I spent the weekend before Christmas up at a lodge in northern Wisconsin (I won it in a silent auction for charity; you should have seen the lightbulbs go off in my head when I realized that I could kill three birds with one stone: money to charity, a Christmas gift for Alex, and a nice vacation). It was beautiful, especially the amazing horse-drawn sleighride through woods filled with freshly-fallen snow, and hopefully I'll get some pictures up on here eventually. Then, of course, we got caught in a snowstorm on the way back and ended up spending 3 hours sitting in a McDonald's waiting for it to clear up enough to drive safely. Scary stuff.

I got to see Alex's dad and sister briefly after we got back, before I flew to Maryland on the 21st. We drove up to New York on Christmas morning to spend the day with my dad's side of the family (complete with adorable cousins, now 21 months and 5 years), and spent the night in our newly vacant house in New Jersey. (I slept on the floor in my old room, which was inhabited by a little girl and is now painted bright pink with pictures of Disney princesses on the walls.) After getting together with Rich and Morgan on Sunday, we met up with my grandparents (on my mom's side), stopped in to see my aunt and cousin (the seven year old), and after spending the night, took a 5-hour bus ride from NYC to DC on Monday night. Since then I've just been in Maryland at my parents' place. I went into the DC office for one day of work on Thursday, and I've knocked off a number of small-scale no-brainer errands, but it's mostly been general laziness. I do feel like I'm recharging my batteries somehow, though. Hopefully I'll see the benefits for at least a couple weeks when I get back to work.

And it's 2005 now. I'll find the time to write about the year that's passed and the year to come, but not tonight. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.

2004-12-28T01:50:00.000-06:00

I have a long and logical and timely entry half-written in my head and 1/4-written on the computer, but I don't care about that right now. It's really far too rare that I just sit down and write.

I feel so much, sometimes. Right now I am exhausted and my head hurts and I want to go to bed, but all I can do is sit here staring at the screen trying to figure out how to say what I want to say.

I care about people. I often-- "usually" is probably more accurate-- do a really shitty job of connecting with people, but I care about them. Sometimes I feel it so much I want to burst, or cry, or scream. Or write.

I love people. I love people who don't love me back, because I don't do the right things to be a part of their lives in the way I'd need to. I let myself drift and don't put in the effort to build and/or maintain relationships, and then I look at how things are and I get this weird strong feeling that I have now, the dizzy beautiful aching feeling of love and the emptiness that comes when that love is not part of a friendship but a floating and seperate thing in my head and my heart. It hurts. Love is such a potent thing that I suppose it's only natural there should be so many ways that it's painful. It's this one that strikes me right now and keeps me up at night: the contrast it illuminates between the closeness that should be or could be, and the distance that is. I don't do enough to change that. I don't know if there's enough that I can do.

I'm incoherent. I don't think I let myself be incoherent in here nearly as much as I should.

2004-11-30T22:26:00.000-06:00

I'm not happy with myself. I haven't been for a while, but I just let my life roll along through inertia, without lifting a finger to change anything.

There's always been this duality in the way I treat myself. I get bitterly critical and angry at myself for my faults, of which there are many. And then in reaction to how unfair I know I'm being to myself, I'll flip things around and let everything slide and rationalize letting myself do pretty much anything. I jerk back and forth between those extremes.

Recently it's been especially bad-- really, it's just been especially stupid. Sometimes I'll be in a good groove, and then my self-criticism pushes me to accomplish what I want to, and my self-tolerance jumps in to make sure I relax and appreciate what a good job I'm doing, and everything's fine. But not right now. No, now I just get upset with myself and call myself pathetic and lazy and worthless; and then I think about how lousy that makes me feel and decide I need to baby myself so I can feel better before I get around to actually changing things. In other words, it's long stretches of lethargy punctuated by short and frequent bursts of self-loathing. I don't push myself to exercise. I don't push myself to socialize. I don't push myself to do much for Peace Project. I don't push myself to do dishes or laundry. I just sit around.

There was this one night a couple of weeks ago that seems to epitomize everything I'm talking about here. I had a rough draft of my Protest article finished, and for maybe the fifth time in as many days, I sat down to try to get it revised enough to submit for editing. On each of the other attempts, I'd accomplished next to nothing, and this time, I really needed to get it finished because there was a final big Protest editing meeting starting in a couple hours. Even before I started, I was feeliing both tired and guilty-- I'd already decided to skip actually attending the Protest meeting again, even though I knew that my help was needed. I also felt like a failure right off the bat, since I knew how many chances to finish the article at times before the last minute I'd squandered. So, unsurprisingly, I spent almost two hours going through a frenetic little cycle: try to write, think about how much is left to do, conclude that it won't get done, get overcome by feeling horrible about the situation, realize that the barrage of self-criticism distracts from getting any work done, take two deep breaths, return to step one. I swear, that went on for hours, until I finally gave up when it became chronologically impossible to get the article to the folks at the meeting. It was so pathetic; I had to keep reminding myself that I am a 22-year-old woman with a steady job who has in fact managed to accomplish a number of impressive things over the years, because you sure as hell wouldn't think I was capable of tying my own shoes that night.

It's really a great example of me at my worst. Self-loathing alternating with escapist laziness, and both of them making accomplishing anything near-impossible; using up my energy and time but accomplishing nothing, and feeling lousy both while "working" and after I give up.

I know that a big contributor to this ugly little phase-- not an excuse, though I often try to use it as one-- is how exhausted I've been feeling for quite a while now. For a long time I've thought it was anemia, but I finally went to the doctor last week to get it checked out, and he said that he can't find any physical causes, including anemia. So there's a decent chance that my ongoing fatigue is largely a result of lack of exercise. A cycle, or maybe a downward spiral: I get home from work tired and drained, respond by spending most of the evening on the couch, and dread even the exertion of walking to campus for SEJ meetings once a week, let alone an actual exercise plan. That kind of life isn't healthy for me in general, and it may in fact be the reason for the fatigue that's dragging my whole life down. The tiredness really does make my life difficult, because it's hard to focus on writing something, or to convince myself to stand up for twenty minutes to do dishes, or God forbid to go out to a party at night and socialize with people. It feels like all I'm fit for is hours of lying around watching TV and aimlessly browsing the internet(usually at the same time). Hours and hours and hours of my life end up absolutely wasted, so much time that I could be spending on so many wonderful things, and it makes me feel so sad.

So I've got to do something about it. I'm hoping that writing this all out is a good start. To try to explore the problems honestly and commit myself to changing things, but in a fair way that doesn't involve the sort of self-berating that makes me want to whimper and wrap myself up in blankets and drink more hot cocoa and watch more Cheers. (In the spirit of fairness, I should admit that I have actually been very on top of financial stuff; I've been using Quicken to keep track of income and expenses and the balances in various accounts, exhaustively researching mutual funds, learning all about how credit reports and scores work and attempting to get an old unfair account taken off my record... yes, this is mostly done while procrastinating on other things, but I am more than capable of procrastinating in useless ways, so score one for Britt.)

An exercise plan is priority number one, both because my health is a pretty important thing and because hopefully it'll give me the energy I need to tackle other areas. It's a shame that it's getting to be winter and the weather outside is lousy, but I'll just have to borrow some exercise videos from the library or something, or walk in the cold and hope that exertion keeps me warm enough. I know I'm going to be constantly tempted to wimp out of this, but I used to have some damn willpower in me somewhere, and I've got to get back in touch with that. I'm going to do this.

Hopefully this will be a comprehensive New Britt, though. (Or the New Old Britt; I swear, I haven't always been like this! It's just a rut I've fallen into for a little while.) Instead of doing less than half of the dishes, I'll do more, since Alex has classes and homework to worry about, and I don't. I'll start going to parties when I hear about them, and I'll be more proactive about getting together with people instead of exchanging "we should do something sometime"s for months. (And I'll IM people when I see them online, instead of passing up potential conversations day after day after day.) I'll think about what I want to write about for the Protest in advance, and instead of daydreaming about the phrasing in the intro paragraph, I'll think through what research needs to get done ahead of time and then go ahead and do it. I'll actually show up at Protest meetings and do my share of the incredible amount of work that always needs to get done. I'll finally sign up for a steady volunteering position, like I've been meaning to for 9 months now. I'll try to cook new and interesting things, which sounds like so much fun to me in principle yet in reality always seems to get pushed aside by the easy choices.

Or maybe just a little of all that for now, and work my way up. I suppose it's kind of ambitious to look for it all overnight. But I know that I'm perfectly capable of all of that and more. I just need to stop letting myself be less than who I can be... who I should be... who I am.

2004-11-04T00:34:00.000-06:00

I'm tired.

I feel like I've been tired, drained, for weeks, months, years. Maybe I have.

I've always had kind of fuzzy boundaries between physical tiredness and emotional exhaustion. A situation that can be almost entirely physical usually bleeds over into my emotional state, making me feel wrung out and unmotivated. I am pretty sure that I'm anemic, but even though I bought a whole bunch of high-dose iron pills, I remember to take them only very irregularly. And while I know that more exercise increases your energy, I rarely push myself to do anything more than the 5-minute walk to the el. So as a result, even when I get a good night's sleep, I'm often dragging during the day and exhausted by mid-evening. And there's certainly plenty of times when I'm dealing with actual sleep deprivation as well.

But that tiredness becomes an emotional issue, too, and it seems particularly bad this fall. I feel unmotivated. It's harder to push myself to do things that require effort, whether physical or mental. I put off chores and responsibilities night after night. I feel myself slipping into laziness and bad habits. I skip parties because by the time they really start hopping, I'd rather be in bed with my pajamas on, watching Cheers and All in the Family on TV. I end up spending the vast majority of my free time at home with Alex-- because I love spending time with him, but honestly, also because it's just the easiest thing to do. And my relationships with anyone and everyone else suffer.

I'm not sure what my point is, exactly. But it all blends together, until I can't tell what's sleep deprivation and what's stress and what's my iron-starved red blood cells and what's my aching heart. Yesterday I was up at 6am, on my feet in Wisconsin all day, back at 11pm, not asleep until after 3am. I took today off, slept until noon, and have spent most of the last twelve hours curled up in bed with my computer. I feel exhausted in every way possible. There's a meeting tomorrow night to plan a trip to the School of the Americas demonstration-- something I've really wanted to do for years-- and part of me feels like I just don't have the energy to pull off the meeting, let alone the whole weekend.

I just want to sleep for days and days and days...

2004-10-11T22:44:00.000-05:00

I need to connect with people.

I've put it off for weeks, now. Stayed in a summer mindset, been sluggish and gone with the inertia and figured things would pick up later. People have been back on campus for a month or more, and I've barely tried to reach out. It's just all work, and home with Alex, and meetings when they happen. I've talked to Kyle plenty, naturally, but it's always business, always details of this or that for Peace Project, and I don't know how to change that right now. I haven't talked to Peter for more than 5 minutes this fall, I don't think.

Lexi and Suj each came up to me separately tonight, after the NOWAR meeting before we started working on drafting the SCFC proposal, and said that we should get together soon for tea or coffee or something. I felt really good about that, and excited, and I hope I get to spend some time with both of them this weekend. But I'm going to be gone for 2 1/2 of the next 3 weeks. By the time I get back to Evanston it'll be November, halfway through everyone's fall quarter. That worries me. Will it be too late? Will it make fitting myself into people's patterns too much of a challenge?

I dunno. It's odd how sometimes I can crave connections desperately, like last spring, and then turn around and be completely content for months with spending oodles of wonderful time with Alex and talking to Eileen online and phonecalls with my parents. And I've been too slow to pull myself out of that, but I'm suddenly really regretting it. There are people I want to be closer to, and I'm not making any progress on that right now, and it's sad.

Well, all I can say is that I need to work on it, I guess. A little bit this weekend, and more when I get back. Friendships are important, and as wonderful and fulfilling as my relationship with Alex is, I can't just fall back on that and ignore everyone else. I need to be talking to and spending time with people I care about and people who care about me.

2004-10-04T01:18:00.000-05:00

You know, if I ever have a nervous breakdown, it's going to be because this feeling will push me over the edge. The sick swirling feeling of panic/guilt/frustration/stress, of "I know I should be better than this, and I hate that I'm not"; the sinking feeling that there are too many things to keep track of and that you've inevitably forgotten more than a few which will come back to haunt you later; the sensation of running faster and faster just to stay in the same place; the way that you berate yourself fiercely for losing your focus and putting things off, and squirm, and then dive into something silly and shallow and unproductive to get away from the way that self-flagellation feels. It's the feeling I get when I know that I'm making my life much harder on myself than it needs to be. There's no good reason why my life shouldn't be under control. But it just isn't.

I need to figure out how to change that. I need different habits, different patterns, different attitudes. I need to take more deep breaths. It is not as bad as it sounds, and I am generally happy, but at the same time, I know that my mental health and my stress levels could be a lot better. I want to be more at peace.

Six weeks away from here, and I'm writing for the sake of writing. But it's the middle of the night, and if I don't get to bed soon, the lack of sleep will just hurt my focus tomorrow even more, and things will keep spiraling.

I need to write more. I think so much, and I feel so much, and yet I keep getting the sense that I'm not thinking things through. My life and my thoughts are as cluttered right now as my desk at work, brimming and overflowing, covered in tumbling, unsteady piles. I need to organize my heart and mind.

I need to sleep.

2004-08-18T09:35:00.000-05:00

I'm tired.

In so, so many ways...

2004-08-12T19:33:00.000-05:00

Back from Hawai'i... it was a terrific trip and a great place. I'll talk about it more when I get around to uploading (some of) my 400 digital pictures and creating some sort of internet vacation scrapbook.

I've been dragging this whole week, ever since I got back. I got less than 3 hours of very interrupted sleep on the 10:30pm Saturday- 2:15pm Sunday flight (that includes a 5 hour time change), and haven't really caught up since. Every day I get home from work and I just want to collapse.

I went out with my co-workers after work yesterday-- our summer seminarian interns are done this week, and the lead organizer is leaving our team and shifting to a different job-- at Giordano's. Pizza and (BYO)beer. It was pretty cool; it's the first time I've done anything social with my co-workers, and they're all good people. Definitely fun.

Anyway... I finally finished that long-planned Closer to Fine entry, which could really use some editing-- but fuck it, I'm tired of it and want to move on. So here you go, the fun and excitement of an over-thinking Britt being indecisive yet again:

I'm trying to get my financial accounts in order. And it's really, really tough.

I’ve always had really strong feelings about money, and how people with more money than they need should act. And now, suddenly, it’s all very concrete instead of theoretical. And I don’t know what to do. I’ve gone in a few months from a college kid with a few dollars on hand thanks to a part-time work study job, getting help from my parents to pay my rent, to an economically privileged American.

I'm just having a really hard time, so far, figuring out the "right" way to be a progressive/radical/activist adult. (There are many reasons I want to stick around with Peace Project this upcoming year, but when I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that one of them is that being a progressive/radical/activist college student is something I actually know how to do.) It really does feel like there's no one out there I can talk to or learn from who's gone through the same thing and asked the same questions and cared about the same things; not in the same way, not thinking and feeling the ways I do.

Whether it's what I do with my money or my time, the variety of choices and the difficulty of weighing them has, frankly, paralyzed me to a certain extent. So I sit around in limbo. And I-- the one whose parents tease her about her obsessive budgeting and careful money management, who's spent hours on the El adding and subtracting and multiplying and making careful budgets-- I've gone months now without holding myself to a budget or keeping track of my spending or really knowing how much I have to spare. That doesn't mean I've splurged-- I'm still a cheapskate, see above-- but if I had the cashflow narrowed down and the "extra" written down in clear and exact numbers, then I'd have to figure out what to do with it. Instead, I keep putting it off and putting it off. And as far as my free time, too, I've done next to nothing to try to figure out where I can give my time, for then I'd have to choose between a vast array of social change/activist groups, volunteering and service opportunities, and political efforts. (The thought and indecision I've expended on deciding what I should do politically this fall deserves-- and will probably sooner or later receive-- its own discussion.) So instead, I do nothing but go to work, come home, and spend time with Alex and other friends.

I can live with myself for acting like this, at least temporarily, thanks to my belief in the importance of the work I do in my 9-5 (okay, 9:45-6:30) job, but it still nags at me, and I know I'll have to make some choices soon and take some action. I just wish I could find a way to figure things out that wasn't so crazy-making.

2004-07-30T01:54:00.000-05:00

This summer has been a surprisingly difficult time to post regularly. Most of this is due, as I mentioned last time, to spending lots of time with Alex; the rest to working long hours (not ridiculously long, but long) and my brain wanting to relax and read instead of investing the thought and energy to write when I do spend time online.

It's 2am now, and I'm still pulling together stuff to leave for vacation tomorrow. I'm sure I've forgotten something-- I just have to hope it's nothing particularly important.

I'm going to spend 8+ hours on a plane tomorrow, and I'll have my laptop. The same goes for the way back. And there'll probably be some free time somewhere in the middle, too. I'm not sure if I'll have internet access, although I'm bringing an AOL CD so I'm hopeful that I'll be able to connect occasionally. Anyway, hopefully at least by the time I get back next Sunday (the 8th), I'll have something semi-coherent to share with you about my life, as well as a finished Closer to Fine entry that I've been working on for nearly a month. And maybe more, who knows? I don't have any shortage of ideas, just of time and motivation to write about them.

But now? Bedtime. Wish me luck tying up loose ends in my half-day at work tomorrow, and then wish me a great big aloha!

2004-07-18T00:42:00.000-05:00

I haven't been writing much at all lately, I know. I haven't really had the time. With the summer as short as it is, Alex and I both know what's going to happen far too soon-- essentially nine months in a row where quality time together will be precious and rare, while his classes consume him like always. While we've got the summer, we're taking advantage of it, and that means that while I can come up with blog or journal entries in my head staring out the window on the el, there's really very little time to actually write and upload them.

We've been having fun, though. Aside from the everyday things, we've managed to work in a number of good Chicagoland experiences. Two weekends ago was Taste of Chicago, fireworks, and free concerts; last weekend we walked around downtown, went bowling at House of Blues, and went to the Baha'i temple (pictures to follow); and this weekend, we've been to the Millenium Park grand opening, a Cubs game (standing room tickets, of course, as everything else is sold out), and tomorrow we're planning to visit the Chicago Botannical Gardens.

We had Joe Vess over for a nice visit last Wednesday, too, and spent nearly four hours talking about all sorts of things, from Wal-Mart to the new government of Egypt to the international global economy, among other less serious topics. (It's nice to be able to bring up the expiration of the Multi-Fiber Agreement and have people know what you're talking about and discuss it intelligently.) He's off to DC in a few weeks, to join everyone else under the sun.

Caught a link in Andrew Sullivan's blog to a New York Times article on young conservatives-- turns out Northwestern's own (or formerly Northwestern's own) Dave Weigel is quoted near the end. My spidey sense totally knew that was coming, for some reason. I could probably say a lot more about that, but I won't, at least not right now.

Okay, this is all scattershot and random, and I'm tired. One of these days there'll be a few more intelligent things to say, including the Closer to Fine post about how weird and complicated it is to combine one's deeply held beliefs about money and society with the actual earning (and disposal) of an income-- the post that's been sitting in draft form on Blogger for at least a week now. Until then... you'll have to put up with junk like this.

2004-07-06T23:34:00.000-05:00

Tried to go to the White Sox game tonight; it was pouring. Oh, well, another time.

Apartment's still a ridiculous mess. On the bright side, I did my part in helping clean by spending a couple hours yesterday going through the huge stack of magazines I dragged from the apartment (none of them originally mine, by the way) to cut out recipes so I can throw them away. I've discovered there are lots of pluses and minuses to being the last of my roommates left at the apartment. Yes, I get all the random furniture/silverware/books/magazines/etc I want that the others seem not to care about, but I also had to do all the cleaning and deal with the random junk and the extra furniture. I finally finished it all last week, and I did put a lot of time into cleaning, although it certainly didn't end up perfect. The landlord called today; he was bitching about it not being clean enough and about a couple pieces of furniture being left (I said that they were perfectly good, and that we wondered if the next tenants wanted them, and that we'd be more than glad to move them if they didn't; he made some nasty comment about how Absolutely Terrible it is to have anything left over in the apartment-- including the damn carpet from my room that was there when we moved in!). I hope the bastard doesn't take money from the security deposit-- he didn't mention it, but maybe he figured his complaining was enough. If he does... I don't know. I suppose technically it'd be my fault and I should take the hit, but on the other hand, I'm the one who did the damn cleaning that needed to be done, not a single solitary other person. (Well, except for Alex being sweet and helping me out.) Bleh. Just cross your fingers that for once the landlord doesn't feel like being an ass.

Let's see. I've got seven million thoughts about electoral politics that've been swirling around in my head for at least a month, that I'll try to organize into something coherent at a not-too-much-later date. But for now, this is something I ran across on the web today, that hit me because it's in tune with what's been on my mind lately; from a John Edwards speech:

Finally, as we make the price of college entry lower, we have to make the path to college entry fairer. If we are truly serious about providing a ladder to success that all Americans have the chance to climb, then we cannot wink at each other when we see special privileges for the most fortunate that serve to pull the ladder away.

More than 200 colleges today give students a leg up in the admissions process in exchange for a very early commitment to attend. Applying early is worth the equivalent of 100 extra points on the SAT, yet as a practical matter it is available only to the most motivated students who come from the most educated and fortunate families. Students can't apply early if they don't know about the program or can't afford to lock themselves into a particular school because they need to compare financial aid packages. Early decision worked great for my daughter, because my family could afford to use it. But for thousands of families who can't, early decision is fundamentally unfair...

We also need to address legacy admissions. Many schools reward applicants because their parents went to the same school. Instead of valuing parents who have worked for years so their child could be the first in their family to go to college, these schools actually put that child at a competitive disadvantage based on his parents' education. There's no question many legacy students are highly qualified and tremendous additions to their schools. They can be admitted without any preferences, and they should be. Unlike affirmative action, which I support, the legacy preference does not reward overcoming barriers based on race or adding diversity to the classroom. The legacy preference rewards students who had the most advantages to begin with. It is a birthright out of 18th century British aristocracy, not 21st century American democracy. It is wrong. So today I want to challenge America's colleges and universities. If you have an early decision policy, end it. If you have a legacy policy, end it.

This isn't an area where government should have to act. We can help by making absolutely clear that our antitrust laws don't stand in the way of cooperation by schools to open the doors of college. But schools should live up to their ideals and America's ideals on their own.

If schools don't end these policies, then other action may well be necessary.

Kids from the kinds of families I grew up with already have to fight an uphill battle to get to college. They don't need additional barriers that stand in the way.

I like John Edwards. I really do. You can tell me I focus too much on domestic policy and not enough on foreign policy if you like. But, whatever. I feel a little happier personally today about what my pragmatic side will compel me to begrudgingly do for John Kerry in the upcoming months.

2004-07-05T02:16:00.000-05:00

Lots of things bouncing around in my head to write about, and I haven't been able to bring myself to sit down and write much, yet. Eh. Sometimes I'm in a writing mood, and I'll want to write every night; sometimes I'm just not.

It's been a good weekend, though. We went to the Taste of Chicago both yesterday and today. (Excellent food-- absolutely fantastic garlic-mozzarella cheese bread, a yummy frozen chocolate-covered banana, garlic potatoes, cheesecake... mmm!) Last night we saw the orchestra concert and the fireworks; today it was They Might Be Giants and Counting Crows. Free concerts are excellent, especially outside under the sun and/or stars.

Tomorrow is the weekend too, still, but it'll be less fun since it's time to get around to some serious unpacking, as well as other errands like grocery shopping. That's okay, though. It still means a four-day work week coming up, which is excellent.

Okay, enough. I'm sleepy and my head's a little fuzzy, and any other rambles I would include in here would probably bore y'all to tears. So I'll wait until I'm in a more expressive mood. Later...

2004-07-01T17:45:00.000-05:00

Whoops. Link to my Fahrenheit 9/11 post below was wrong. I fixed it, or you can click here. Thanks, Andrew.

I currently have no home internet access-- turned off at the old place yesterday, will be turned on at the new place on Saturday-- so I'm writing this at work. And thus I probably shouldn't spend much time writing anything else. But oh, I've got plenty to say eventually... just wait and see!

2004-06-28T21:35:00.000-05:00

Moving: still crazy. I've still got a few more days before I can catch my breath and feel settled in and really get a chance to sit and think and write.

Still, I've of course got to give my obligatory two cents on Fahrenheit 9/11:

And so for all its many, many, many flaws, I'm glad Fahrenheit 9/11 came out and is reaching the people it has and will. I think it'll help us as activists in doing the work that we believe in. Only a little, maybe, but I'll take what I can get. Like I argued back during the Moore-or-Chomsky debates (ah, how naive we were to think we'd actually get ASG funding!), we may not like the way he does it, but Moore's way is a way that reaches people and starts them on the path towards where we want them to be. So I call it a good thing.

Also of note-- we have a disturbing, freakishly large moth in the apartment I'm moving out of. I wish I hadn't already moved my camera, so I could take a picture and show you. It's creepy.

Okay. More eventually. But I'll have no internet after tomorrow until Saturday, so don't expect much too soon.

2004-06-25T20:53:00.000-05:00

Found a way to host pictures! Since I know you're all dying to see graduation pictures:

Okay, more later...

2004-06-23T21:30:00.000-05:00

I've been pretty busy over the last week or so, and probably will be for the next week until the move's done. It really shouldn't take up that much time, but I seem to have an amazing ability to make tasks fill up as much time as they can possibly take, and since I don't have to be completely moved until next Thursday, I imagine I won't be done until Wednesday.

More thoughts on graduation: I saw so many familiar faces in those black gowns and caps, more than I'd expected at a school this size. Sure, there were plenty of strangers, but everywhere I turned, I saw someone I'd shared a dorm with, took a class with, interacted with through our extracurricular activities. That doesn't mean I found friends, though. No, on Friday I bumped into someone whose face I recognized from various interactions, but who I thought of as that-WoCo-guy for most of the evening before I heard his name; I sat a couple seats down from him, and ended up sharing most of my conversation with a girl he knew casually, Amy, who I met that evening. On Saturday, I lined up next to a guy who I'd taken an 8-person history seminar with, and chatted with him during the proceedings, but still needed to look down at his handy-dandy name card to remember his name. I just don't know many people well in my year, I guess, and of those I know a little, so few are in CAS and even fewer in history. This is why Eileen should never have been allowed to graduate a year early.

Oh, but speaking of history, my family got into town on Thursday just in time for the history department reception. Some of the profs I'd hoped to introduce my family to weren't there, but I did end up getting to observe my dad and Professor McCauley having an in-depth conversation of literally almost 5 minutes about suicide in China. It just goes to show you that anyone can find common ground. (Note: Prof McCauley=Chinese history professor; my dad=suicide prevention policy guy at SAMHSA.)

Lessee... what else? Went to the Chicago Board of Ed meeting today. It pissed me off. There are few things more frustrating than having some people in an office building making decisions, and those decisions being made without consulting a) the people on the ground who understand the situation better, and b) everyone else who's going to be affected, so that there can at least be discussion and community input. Except for the announcing-it-two-weeks-ahead-of-time part. Gah. Reminds me of the Lagoon debacle, for sure. It's starting to frighten me how much some things in the Real World echo things I've experienced at NU, and not in a good way.

I'm still very much in my "my privilege disgusts me" stage at the moment, which has not really motivated me to actually do anything but just to grumble and imagine throwing my shiny new computer and camera out the window and running off to live in a cardboard box. It's not a productive way of thinking, I know. I need to sit down and try to find ways to process these feelings better, so I don't keep getting angry and pissy and/or teary-eyed at random, not-usually-opportune moments.

Speaking of my camera, I need to find a way to put my photos and videos up online for your viewing pleasure, or it's all rather pointless. I don't know if anyone knows a good place to host them where I can link to them from my blog, or maybe I've just got to look into moving my blog(s) to a new site. Eh. I'll figure it out.

Okay, there are plenty of other things I could write about, but all of them would take more time than I want to spend right now, so I should just finish up and then come back to this another time...

2004-06-20T22:37:00.000-05:00

Well. An awful lot has happened in the last few days:

Graduation was Friday and Saturday. It all seemed rather silly, but it's really more for relatives anyway, of course. I thought Tom Brokaw's speech was bizarre and pretty lousy, between the complete Other-ing of Muslims in his whole "we are at war" bit (as if it had never occured to him that any of the "we"s or "you"s he was imploring to find a way to deal with Them could actually be Muslims themselves-- not at Northwestern! not in America!), the strange rambles about how "single-issue groups" are destroying American politics, and the complete lack of anything inspiring or profound, or even mildly entertaining or interesting. At least Lane Fenrich spoke at the WCAS convocation on Saturday, and I liked his speech. Not knock-me-down amazing or anything, but he talked about envisioning change in the world and working to make it possible, was genuinely inspiring in some spots and made the speech enjoyable the whole way through. Anyway, I sat through hour after hour of graduates' names being read (starting at 8:30 Saturday for Tech's to see Alex, and then CAS at 11), wore and returned the cap and gown, got lots of pictures taken, got a diploma, the whole bit. And now it's over.

My family was around for the past few days, which was really nice. My grandparents came Friday morning and left Saturday night, and my parents and sister arrived Thursday afternoon and left today. It was nice to have them all here. We did a variety of fun things, including seeing fireworks down at Navy Pier last night and watching a Cubs game in the bleachers today (which was a lot of fun, although I got both of my forearms badly sunburnt). And we went to dinner on Friday night with Alex's family... 12 of us at one big table at Trattoria Demi. (That went pretty well, all things considering.)

They also helped me move. I'm not completely moved over to the new apartment on Emerson, but all the large furniture's over there now, at least. (Thank goodness... I don't know how I'd have managed if it wasn't for three family members and a rented moving van!) However, my clothing, food, and internet connection are here on Maple, so I'm thinking I'll stay here for the rest of the month anyway. I dunno, though. It depends on how uncomfortable it is to sleep on the green couch cushions on the floor...

Oh, and then there was shopping. On top of the practical stuff my grandparents got me, such as much-needed pots and pans, my parents got me a digital camera as a graduation present. (It's a digital video-camera, actually, since it didn't cost that much more and my mom was really excited about the idea.) Part of me feels very much spoiled by such a fancy gift, but they insisted on getting me something nice. I suppose I could have made them give me money instead, and put it into savings or donated it to somewhere-or-other... but instead, I've got a camera now. And it's really quite neat. And I'm already starting to send them money to help them pay off the loans they took out to put me through NU, so that helps me feel a little better about the whole thing.

And I bought myself a new computer, too, while we were shopping. An iBook, of course, since I am nothing if not a bandwagon-jumper. It is very cute and spiffy, and I like it so far. And, of course, it doesn't have a cracked screen with giant black blotches, and it's not virus-infested so that it freezes up 5 times a day. I sold my old one to my parents-- I reinstalled Windows first, which I certainly hope will get rid of all the problems I've been having, and they're going to hook it up to a monitor they've got lying around. They've been needing a better computer than the almost-non-functional one they've got, so it's a win-win situation.

So, there we go. And now it's time to get to bed pretty soon, and then get up in the morning and go back to work. The last 3 1/2 days have felt kind of like their own little world, and it's almost hard to believe that tomorrow's business as usual, but I suppose it has to be eventually...

2004-06-17T01:19:00.000-05:00

It's significantly later than I'd planned to get to bed tonight. And I've gotten less packing done than I'd hoped, despite working on it (with varying degrees of focus) all night. So I guess I kind of lose on both points. Well, then, no reason not to take the time to write in here if I've lost already, right?

On the bright side, just a half-day more of work, and then my family gets in tomorrow afternoon and the graduation festivities begin. It's pretty odd, really. I picked up my cap and gown today, and the idea of wearing it and going through all the ceremonies seems faintly ridiculous, after working full-time for the last 2 1/2 months. And I'm also currently in a very "fuck your diploma, the symbol allowing us all to pretend that my future privilege and success in life is a deserved result of my hard work, merit, and competence, instead of my parents' income and the workings of the cruelly unjust system" mood. Bah, humbug.

Oh! But in other good news, it turns out that among the vast quantity of things my roommates left here with the assurance "I've taken everything I want, you can do what you want with everything else" are some excellent books, including a few really intriguing ones on Central America. I can't wait to read them! I think they are probably Kathy's, and I'll offer them back to her in the fall, but in the meantime I see no reason not to enjoy them all summer...

2004-06-16T00:38:00.000-05:00

Funny how it works. I spent almost 4 hours tonight putting off packing (because, y'know, even at 11 I'd still "just gotten home"), and then suddenly at 11:15, I was possessed by a spurt of productivity. Despite being tired, I didn't stop until just now, an hour and a half later, seizing the moment. And I was planning to get to bed early tonight...

I was going to write about the rally at the Congress Hotel today in solidarity with the workers who've been on strike for a whole year now, but I really ought to sleep instead. And then tomorrow, I've got a ridiculous amount of cleaning and packing to get done. Fun.

2004-06-14T23:30:00.000-05:00

$0-$25K US: 29% NU: 5%
$25K-$50K US: 30% NU: 10%
$50K-$100K US: 29% NU: 28%
$100K+: US: 13% NU: 58%

"There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can't take part; you can't even passively take part, and you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop." (Closer to Fine post)

In other news, I have mosquito bites all over, including one right inbetween two of my toes. It gets rubbed a lot, and has been irritated and painful all day, as it will likely be for days to come. Fun.

Oh! But I got business cards today! I swear, it's kind of ridiculous how much more professional I feel because I have spiffy business cards with my name on them now...

2004-06-13T23:47:00.000-05:00

So now it's "Senior Week," I suppose. Kind of odd since everyone's all "We're finally done with classes!" and I've been working for two months.

Alex and I went up to the beach party for a little bit, but it wasn't very exciting, although it was nice to wade in the lake for awhile and it whetted my appetite for swimming later this summer. Then there was a barbecue at the Alumni House, which had a pretty big turnout. Besides the free food and the "senior gift" padfolios, the main focus of the event seemed to be on wandering around and talking to folks you hadn't talked to since freshman year. Or something like that.

So, I did. I talked to Lindsay, who lived across the hall from me freshman year. I talked to Jenny, who I did FUP and an ASB trip with my freshman year, and then was at the Century Institute with this past summer. I talked to Naureen. I talked to Brian Crotty, for quite a while actually. He and I met back in the spring of our sophomore year when we went on the LAB retreat weekend (SAF money sending student group leaders to another college campus for an overnight-- yay!), and our paths have crossed suprisingly rarely since, despite our involvement in Peace Project, so it was interesting to catch up and chat.

I got to tell a lot of people about my job, and they thought it was cool and that I'm lucky. (Which I am.) And I heard that a lot of people are kind of hanging out this summer and taking it easy. And though I love my job, and I wouldn't trade it for anything else, and I'd probably be stressed and panicked instead of relaxed if I took my time all summer to find a job, I'm still a little jealous. I think it's just now starting to sink in that this is not a temporary state of affairs, this is not an internship, this is my permanent job which continues on day after day, month after month, year after year. I shouldn't whine, though. There are so many amazing things about what I do that it's silly to complain that, boo-hoo, I have a real grown-up job, isn't it terrible?

Yeah. I suppose there'll probably be more cause to muse about graduation and the passage of time and all that fun stuff as the week goes on. Perhaps it'll be slightly more articulate and coherent. For now, I should shower and get to bed.

2004-06-11T20:49:00.000-05:00

Okay, I've given in and decided to change my blogging patterns a little. I think I'm going to try to post here, at Perpetually Unfinished, a lot more frequently-- maybe I'll give every day a whirl, maybe not; I haven't decided yet. Then, I've created a new blog-- Closer to Fine-- for longer, more in-depth and thoughtful writing. You (my many adoring readers-- hey, stop laughing!) can keep checking in here, and I'll indicate every time I write something over there.

Yes, this is more complicated than it needs to be. Deal with it.

Let's see... last night I got very wet. Twice. First, I decided to go to Norris for dinner to use up the last of my Munch Money (not the greatest investment of $100 I ever made, but after I paid it in September, I'd've had to forfeit $25 to get my money back). I was done by 8:15, but it was raining, so I decided to wait for the 9:00 shuttle. And wait I did... until 9:15, when it still hadn't arrived. Then I waited a few more minutes in hope the rain would slow, to no avail. So I walked the 10 minutes back to my apartment in a downpour.

I got to spend about 2 hours dry, and then went back to campus to go on a walk with Kyle. It was still pouring, but as there weren't exactly a lot of other nights for walks left to choose from, we figured, what the hell? This time I got even more soaked, and I'm not sure my sneakers are ever going to recover. It was a good time, though, and luckily I wasn't in one of my weird over-thinking moods. We wandered all over, and Kyle showed me some cool tucked-away places on campus I'd never seen before. (There's something a little strange about the freshman showing the senior the neat campus secrets, but that's neither here nor there.)

Near the end, we started talking about Peace Project for a while. I have all sorts of thoughts about Peace Project that have been rolling around in my head for weeks and need to get written out, so I'm not going to explore it too much detail right now, but it was really interesting to me to hear how Kyle sees the groups and his place in them. And I knew this already, but it's-- rewarding? exciting? comforting? nice? I can't come up with the right word at all-- to have someone else here who seems so in tune with the way I think about things. In a lot of ways, I think we're very much cut out of the same mold as activists, except that in some aspects he's not as I am but how I should be-- with more confidence, more dedication, and without the stupid resentment of NOWAR that takes too long to fully let go of. But that's a train of thought that requires a lot more time to explore than I've got right now.

Yeah. I should start packing eventually, if I want my family to help me move stuff when they get here on Thursday...

2004-06-09T02:08:00.000-05:00

Really quick post, which I probably shouldn't be writing since I'm exhausted and have to get up for work far too soon, but whatever. I don't post nearly often enough in here, because I feel some strange need to post coherent entries (the feeling that led me to split my diary/journal at my last site, which is kind of complicated in a blog format)... but at 2am, one really doesn't care.

I just wanted to say that I had a really good night tonight. That doesn't happen all that often, and sometimes I convince myself it's not possible and get all glum and complain about feeling lonely and isolated. But today was good. I got off the el from work and went straight to dinner with Kyle and Peter and Lexi. We sat around and talked and laughed and teased and hung out for nearly 3 hours. It felt really natural and good, and I had a lot of fun. Like a real group of friends. It's been a while.

Then I went back to Peter's room for a while and helped edit his paper, and afterwards the two of us went over to Norris and hung out, and that was another three hours. And that was really good too. I can't explain why it's so easy for me to feel comfortable around Peter when it's often so hard with other people, but I just really have a lot of fun with him, and tonight I had an especially good time.

And so here I am, sitting here exhausted but with a warm happy glow, and I know intellectually that it is so very close to summer, but it still hasn't sunk in yet. I know that Peter will be gone tomorrow, and that Kyle and everyone else will be gone by Saturday, and that after that it's three long months until the next school year. But I don't want it to be true, not when I'm finally starting to get in the groove of things the way I've wanted to for so long. So I'm kind of pretending that it doesn't have to be. For now.

2004-06-01T01:28:00.000-05:00

And life goes on.

I've been thinking a lot yesterday and today. About me, and how I've been living my life lately. I don't know; I'm really not happy in general with how this quarter has been for me emotionally. In terms of the ways I've acted, there've been plusses and minuses. But I think I've fallen into the trap of saying, "Either feel/act this way emotionally, or pull back and stop trying to interact with people." That's bullshit. Yeah, taking risks and caring about friendships that may or may not develop the way I want them to is scary and is going to make me more unsteady than usual. But that doesn't mean I have to freak out about it, doesn't mean I have to let it fill in all the empty spaces in my time, let what other people think about me be more important than what I think about myself. I end up going in circles: decide connections are important, try to build friendships, analyze how that's going, decide it's not going so well, try to figure out how to make it work better, put pressure on every interaction, overanalyze it all... it's fucking ridiculous. I waver back and forth between quiet, passive insecurity and the 5th-grade girl's endless, "Do you like me? Do you still like me? Do you still like me?" and somehow manage to get the worst of both. I'm endlessly self-absorbed, so much so that genuine caring for others gets hopelessly tangled up in it.

It's hard, though. Because I know that making new friends is probably the part of my life I'm worst at. And most of that is because I put too much pressure on myself, overanalyze everything, think and dwell too much. But overthinking is precisely the strong reflex response I have when I'm trying to fix a problem. "Relax and don't think about it" may be something that other people can do naturally, but it's really, really hard for me in regard to anything, let alone something that's really important to my life and that I'm doing badly at. And I know that friendships should be things that flow naturally, that come into being easily and unartificially, that they're about people enjoying eachothers' company and deciding you want to do that more. But that just doesn't happen for me, not very often, anyway. And so-- unless things are going almost completely smoothly, and I'm getting all the affirmation signals I need-- trying to develop friends can really be a frustrating, painful experience for me.

One really refreshing respite to that lately has been making friends with Peter. For whatever reason, most of the typical rules don't seem to apply to him, and I somehow manage to feel comfortable around him despite not knowing him terribly well or for very long. I can spend a couple hours in his room, or all of Dillo Day talking to him (because honestly, despite the fact that we were in a group of 4-8 people most of the time, did I really talk to anyone else? no), or 2 1/2 hours straight on IM, and have fun, and not feel self-conscious or dumb or unwanted. I mean, yeah, it's mostly silly banter and random off-the-wall discussions, but whatever. It's really nice to be making a new friend and feeling happy more often than I feel lousy about it, and to remind myself that I'm not completely incompetent at interacting with people and making new friends, as long as the person is as friendly and easygoing as Peter.

I know that part of it's because when I'm talking to Peter, I get the impression that he is actually happy to be talking to me. I feel like he's probably like that with almost everybody, but it doesn't matter much. I don't need to prove myself, be constantly self-conscious. I feel at ease because it seems like he's glad we're talking and I know I'm glad we're talking and so what else do you really need? With most other people, some a lot more than others, I usually feel like the person I'm talking to would like nothing better than for me to leave them alone. Whether or not that's actually true, it's hard to feel comfortable in that situation.

There's more to it than that, though. Kyle said something the other day-- I forget the exact words-- about conversations not needing to be structured or to go perfectly unless you have an agenda for them. I guess I do really have agendas for my conversations when I'm trying to make friends, especially when I feel like my opportunities to have those conversations are limited. I go in and think, "Okay, by the end of this conversation, I need to convince this person to like me more than they did at the beginning, so that we can grow closer." That's a ridiculous mindset for anyone, let alone someone like me who panics under pressure. But it's really hard to help it. I don't have an agenda when I'm talking to Peter, though. I mean, it's not that I don't think it would be nice to get to know eachother better and talk about more substantive issues sometime. But I'm not spending my interactions with him worrying about that. And somehow that makes all the difference.

I don't know. Sometimes I feel utterly ridiculous and pathetic and like I'm about as screwed up as people get. And then, I stop and think about it, and really, everyone is pretty fucked up in one way or another. We all have big issues, and we can't seem to deal with something major in the way we know we should. We have our problems in our own totally unique ways... but honestly, if there's anyone I know who I can't think about for a minute and say, "Yeah, he/she's pretty messed up when it comes to X," I don't know them very well. It's easy to feel pathetic if everyone else seems to cope with our particular weakness far better than we do, but all of the "everyone else"s have their own problems with something else. That's just the way life works, I guess.

As we were listening to The Wailers on Saturday night, I'd been feeling out of sorts for a little while, and was starting to careen into "lonely and panicked and quite miserable." And then they broke into one of their last songs, and I started to sing too, because of course a concert's much more fun if you can sing along. And what I was singing was, "Don't worry 'bout a thing, 'cause every little thing's gonna be alright." And repeating those lines over and over again started to soothe me. Saying the words myself somehow made me believe them. I calmed down, and even though the drunk asshole behind me was seriously pissing me off, I was content with my life for a little while.

I've been singing that bit to myself intermittently over the last couple days. I really, really just need to relax. I worry far too much. And somehow, everything does seems to turn out alright, eventually. I need to find a way to let go and believe that.

2004-05-23T02:43:00.000-05:00

Just another strange week in this strange quarter. Pick a bit of it, try to write about it, lather, rinse, repeat...

There's a lot that could be written about Peace Project stuff, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Somehow it's always more tempting to write about me me me.

Life has been up and down, like always. The good and the bad, emotionally. I wish it wasn't almost summer; I am starting to feel the clock ticking, an external pressure and worry just when I am beginning to hold my own against the internal ones. It ratchets up the desire for more, when emotionally I ought to be focusing on feeling content.

In general, I don't come off much like who I really am, I think. So many times recently, people who are getting to know me better have been surprised about something or other that I'd never have thought they'd see as unlike me. I really wish that wasn't the case, because despite how insecure I am, I actually do feel like I'm a pretty good person and friend. My self-esteem isn't too bad-- it's just that I have very little confidence in my ability to convince anyone else that I'm a person worth knowing and caring about, because I feel like I come across as dull and awkward and annoying. So I worry that people don't like me, but it's not because I think they shouldn't like me, but because they have no reason to know that they ought to like me. I'm not insecure about who I am, but who I seem to be. Does that make sense? I end up feeling all this pressure, thinking, "I know so-and-so and I could be great friends. I'd like it for us to be close, and I feel pretty confident that he would too, if he knew what I was really like. But he doesn't know! Because it takes me fucking forever to warm up enough to people to really be myself! So I'm the only one who knows how nice it would be if we were good friends, and if I don't find a way to convince him of that, we never will be." Which is, of course, a recipe for awkward disaster. Or, at the very least, an extra obstacle to interacting comfortably and naturally.

I don't know. I've got to get better at this eventually, right? Recently I've been pushing myself more than I have in a while. It's hard to feel sure it's helping, since it's all so two-steps-forward-one-step-back, but I'm pretty sure it is. But my comfort level with people comes and goes in waves, I think, and I can't for the life of me figure out how or why. Sometimes I am uptight and nervous and analyze every moment of every little interaction; another day, or even in the same evening, I can be relaxed and comfortable and at ease, interacting with people and really feeling like friends even though the last time I talked to them I walked away convinced that they'd rather never have anything to do with me if it could be conveniently arranged. I wish I understood it better.

I went through many different moods at the co-op party last night. But during one of them, I remember feeling very strongly that I should just let go and love people without worrying if they'll love me back. (Is love the right word? I don't know; sometimes I feel like it is. I did at the time.) Maybe that's the way to go. I mean, outside of odd 20-minute moods, it's really hard to love someone and genuinely not care what they think of you; possibly it's impossible. But it's more about the focus, I guess. Less on me, and more on the people I care about. That's what I need.

2004-05-17T01:12:00.000-05:00

I have been so moody, recently. My emotions are all over the place, dragging me behind them like a fallen rider tangled in the reins of a runaway horse. I feel that battered sometimes, too. But only when I'm being overdramatic. (Unfortunately, that's far more often than it should be.)

I wrote a whole moody entry on Wednesday night, a few hours after bursting into tears in the girls' bathroom at Norris, before thinking better of posting it. It made me feel better to write it, but it wasn't necessarily the best thing to put online. It was all about how I always end up comparing myself with Naureen and feeling lousy and incompetent, but it came off sounding a lot more like I had a problem with her-- which I don't-- instead of talking about how my issues obviously have a lot more to do with myself. Perhaps I'll edit it at some point and put it in my journal, but I was far too swept up in the feelings that night to write anything other than an un-nuanced outpouring of emotion.

Then, tonight, I belatedly brought Kyle his birthday cupcakes and chatted for a little while, and then I was going to do some SCFC petitioning at PARC. But as I walked up to the front door, I found myself feeling utterly miserable and couldn't imagine going door to door talking to people for hours. So I fled to the benches by Fisk overlooking South Beach for a little while, staring out at the lake, trying to get a handle on my emotions. I want so strongly, sometimes. I want to love and be loved. I want connections with people, deep powerful friendships. And for god's sake, I just want wanting to stop messing with my heart and mind so that I can function like a normal human being.

After a few minutes of sitting on the bench, feeling lonely, I sort of impulsively decided that if I wasn't going to get petitions signed that night, I wasn't going to go home and spend hours moping and overthinking, either. So I stopped by Sheppard and called up to Lexi's room, but she wasn't there. Then I gave Peter a call, and ended up spending several hours up in his room, reading a little but also talking quite a lot. It was a completely random thing to do, and it was really, really good for me. It was just very easy to feel perfectly comfortable hanging around and talking about all sorts of silly things with Peter. I left with a smile on my face and my thoughts and feelings settled down where they belong. Now if they'd only stay there...

2004-05-11T00:32:00.000-05:00

I should be working on my Protest article right now. I actually have a couple free hours before bed, which seems so rare these days, and so I ought to be putting them to some productive use: the Protest article, or maybe even, god forbid, finishing cleaning my room. (Hey, I got it like 65% clean this past weekend-- who could ask for anything more?)

But instead, I feel like writing. Somehow I've started thinking in journal entries again, in sentences and paragraphs, like I used to. And now I've got all these thoughts and feelings connected in strings waiting to pour out of me, and I can't help but write.

Yet I'm too wedded to coherence. I have a thousand things I want to write, yet I'm mentally arranging and re-arranging them, trying to come up with a logical flow, a theme, an entry. It's the voice inside me that's always trying to order and make sense of how I'm feeling so that I can understand who I am. I resist throwing my thoughts onto the page like spaghetti up against the wall, because then I would end up staring at the wall for hours, trying to figure the significance of why each piece landed where it did. My neverending stream of thoughts pushes me to be conscious of who I am, but sometimes it intereferes with that process, too.

See? I'm overthinking my overthinking.

But I'm too tired now to find coherence, the strands of meaning that tie together how I'm feeling tonight. So I'll grit my teeth and just be random. It always ends up that way, anyway.

Our bill passed ASG's student services committee tonight-- step number one, and probably the worst is over now until a week from Wednesday, when the whole Senate votes and everything's on the line. I'm calming down a little, and the knots in my stomach are loose, lazy ones, instead of the tight tenseness of the last 24 hours or so. I still can't help but be nervous and on edge until it successfully passes, but now there's only 9 days to go.

I am moody, these days. I waver between feeling isolated and connected, and it can change from hour to hour. I feel like I'm floating around in limbo, and it's merely a question of whether I mind it or not at any given moment. I am often happy and grateful; yet usually, I'm yearning for more.

I have so many IM exchanges, and so few good conversations in person. Eileen thinks that it has to do with her, but she's not the only one. I love IMs, and they do help you to connect, to some extent. They can make people into an integral part of your life even though it's completely inconvenient to see them face-to-face very often, and let you share so much of the minutiae that being friends is really all about. They can pull you closer to someone when it might not otherwise happen.

But they can only go so far. They cannot communicate the tone of someone's voice, or the look in their eyes, or their body language. You can share a lot sometimes, but there is always something missing. And I feel that lack.

2004-05-09T00:48:00.000-05:00

How is it 10:30 already? I was going to get so much done tonight... but then I was in one of my indecisive moods, so my grocery shopping trip took forever, and I didn't finish dinner until 9:30. (It was a very good dinner, though. A stirfry-- it occured to me for the first time while making it that perhaps they call it a stirfry because you stir the vegetables as they fry. I'm a bright one.)

It's been a good day, though, despite its early start. I had to get up at 7am to go attend an event for work. I wouldn't complain about that on its own-- the organizers' schedules are so insane, and I'm constantly conscious that I've got the cushy job in the office-- but I was kind of disappointed that it meant I couldn't/shouldn't go to the co-op party last night. It's rare enough for me to actually want to go to those, but I'm finally starting to get the sense that I'd have people to talk to and enjoy myself with there if I did go. But I knew that it would be very unwise because of having to get up so early this morning. (In fairness, I was pretty tired as well, tired enough that when I did go to bed at midnight I was asleep in five minutes.)

But this afternoon made up for that. I played frisbee for almost three hours, with Sohier and Elysha at first and then with Pat as well and then Kyle and his friend from home. And I had a really good time. Despite my instinctive perception that I'm horrible at anything athletic and/or involving hand-eye coordination, I managed pretty decently, especially once I got into a groove. That's not really important in any objective sense, but only because if I'm constantly self-conscious, I can't relax and enjoy myself.

Today I could, and I did. The sun burst out intermittently when it wasn't obscured by clouds, and every time it did, I got the same big smile on my face-- I love sunshine, I can't explain it! And it felt very comfortable and natural to be enjoying a Saturday afternoon with these people-- these friends? Maybe.

At some point, when we were out on Deering, the goal was no longer to throw the frisbee accurately to eachother, but to throw it long so that the boys could sprint after it and chase it down. As I watched them run and lunge and laugh with these big grins on their faces, a powerful feeling of warmth kept bubbling up inside me. It was wonderful to watch them having such a good time. Kyle, especially-- I do get concerned about him sometimes, with the stress he constantly takes upon himself, and while I know that I don't know him well enough yet to understand his moods or when there is actual cause for concern, that doesn't stop me from worrying that he'll fill his time with have-to-do's instead of taking the time to be happy in the ways he deserves. So I loved seeing him there today, playing and relaxing and smiling for hours, and I realize that I don't need to worry so much, because somehow he does usually find time to enjoy himself on top of the rest of it, too. I don't know how he manages to live life the way he does, but he's a pretty amazing, capable guy, and I really shouldn't be surprised.

But it wasn't just Kyle. Pat was having a blast, too, and it's hard to watch him at play without smiling. Kyle says Pat's like his friend Ricky from home, and I think I understand. There is someone like Pat in most groups of friends, I think-- the one where you mention something he's done (because they are always doing things that people talk about when they're not around) and everyone shakes their head and says, "That's Pat," but they get a big affectionate smile on their face thinking about him. You can't help liking Pat-- at least, I can't. He is certainly unique, but in an endearing way, and I got the same warm fuzzy feelings watching him be silly and happy as I did watching Kyle.

And Sohier, too. I have to admit that I didn't like him that much when I first met him... but he is definitely growing on me. I think he is a good guy at heart; he is just more guarded about it, maybe, instead of that unabashed openness about caring for causes and people that I appreciate in most guys I'm fond of. More of a traditionally-socialized male, perhaps? Anyway, I'm glad to get the chance to know him better post-trip.

Elysha was napping during this bit of the afternoon that I'm talking about. And somehow, those affectionate sorts of feelings always come much more naturally when it's guys I care about, compared to girls. I'm trying to work on that, though, because I know I need to. And I do like Elysha. And I think that maybe with girls it's just more important for me to really get to know them and get used to them.

Speaking of girls-- a whole bunch of folks met for dinner and discussion on Thursday, and Lexi gave me a big hug when she saw me and apologized for not responding to the e-mail I'd sent her on Sunday or Monday. And I realized that the same old stories as always had been playing quietly in my head for the past week; if I express interest in hanging out with someone, and they don't respond, it must mean that that don't really want anything to do with me, but they're trying to save both of us the awkwardness of talking about that fact directly. It's silly, I know, but it's incredibly persistent. It's been true before, and so I can't stop my instinct that it must be true always. But of course it wasn't true in this case, and probably it rarely is. Maybe eventually I will learn that.

I have so many people on my mind these days. I worry about Eileen, but I feel so powerless. It is hard to know that a friend is sad and struggling with things, and the natural reaction is to want to make them happier, because you care about them. But I'm not sure I can do that. As Alex has dealt with the terrible things that life's thrown at him, it's certainly been painful for me to know he's suffering. But although obviously I couldn't fix the root of the problem, there was still the comfort for both of us that I could help him feel a little better for the moment most of the time. With Eileen, I'm not sure I can. I don't think I'm important enough in the grand scheme of her life in the first place, and even if I was, I don't know if there'd be much I could do anyway. But knowing that doesn't stop me from fretting and wondering about how I might be able to help, even though I never seem to come up with anything.

My goodness, time is just flying by, isn't it? Tonight was going to be my writing night, but I have much more of it on my agenda. I wanted to work on an article for the Protest, and then I thought I might start a letter to Katie Sharkey. Through much ado over the last nine months or so, we've finally reached a place where we might be able to reconnect as friends again, after all these years and the events in them. But she's all the way in Virginia, and very busy. I get the feeling that a letter-- on paper, in the mail-- might be the sort of thing that's called for at this point. Now I just need to get around to writing it.

Anyway, I could ramble on forever, I think, but I really ought to stop. I know I should be writing shorter (and more coherent) entries, but more often. I'm feeling pretty positive about my connections with people right now, though, far more than I was a mere three weeks ago. It's all still somewhat tenuous, and I know that nearly everything could slip away. But the trajectory is up, and forward, and that feels good.

2004-05-03T01:50:00.000-05:00

I had an awesome fondue party at my apartment last night, with the folks who went on the DC trip the previous weekend.

Not long after we got back from DC it suddenly hit me that if I seized the moment, I could invite almost a dozen people over to my apartment to hang out, and it would make perfect sense in a way it probably never would again. Add that to my giddy desire to have a fondue party, dating back more than a year, and somehow, it just happened.

The fondue itself, in the logistical sense, went nearly flawlessly, which I am pleased about beyond words. The cheese fondue and the chocolate fondue tasted really good. There was enough for everyone. There were enough dippers for everyone. (There were also, amazingly, enough fondue forks for everyone who wanted one at any given time, despite the fact that of the eleven of us, ten were there for at least part of the evening.) There was a sufficient variety of dippers to impress and please people, and everyone had things they liked to eat. All of the dippers were close enough to the proper consistency to (mostly) stay on the forks. Other than those few minutes when I started to believe that the cheese stuck to the bottom of the pot would never come off so we could get the chocolate in, it was practically perfect. I felt like an amazingly competent party host, and I was very proud.

But as cool as that was for me... it wasn't really what the party was about. It was about a whole group of people sitting around, none of us knowing the others too well, and rambling and laughing until the early hours of the morning. It was about being loose enough to tease eachother and take some ridicule ourselves. It was about the awkward silences that keep resurfacing every once in a while when a group isn't too used to interacting together yet, and about riding them out and moving on. It was about kisses on the cheek when the dippers fell off in the fondue pot, and the boys playing with their spears, and staring contests, and trailing off into incoherence by 2am but still not leaving. It was about a feeling of comfort and peace sharing my living room with these people.

It wasn't anything profound. It wouldn't be weird if we end up getting together more often, but it also wouldn't be weird if we never coalesce as a group again. We were just a bunch of folks spending a Saturday night together because it happened to work out that way. But even though it wasn't much, it was plenty for me. I haven't enjoyed relaxing and being silly in a group of people like that in probably two years. I would be sad if it all ends here, if not because of the experiences so far, then because of the potential.

There are groups, and then there are individuals. Kyle and I had a good talk on IM last night after the party, and it makes me happy to know that some people are willing to bear with me despite my awkward bumbling through the process of trying to become friends. I think there is a lot we have in common, although he may not know it yet. Then there is Lexi, with whom I probably don't have much in common at all, but she is a very sweet girl and I'd like to get to know her better anyway. Seema is very nice as well, but she is graduating, and so my heart, naturally, holds back. I'm not sure how the others would fit with me on their own; but I know they fit very well in the group, in general. And you need some of both.

I'm rambling, now. It's okay. I'm just glad that every once in a while I get frustrated enough with the status quo that I wake up and start pushing myself, taking risks, doing the things that scare me. Because I am happy with where it takes me, even if I wobble and am unsteady along the way. It's easy to feel stable when you're not moving.

2004-04-28T01:25:00.000-05:00

I never seem to spend any time in my apartment anymore. I spent all of tonight at meetings-- went straight from the El after work to Kresge, and didn't make it back until 11:30 PM-- but that's nothing compared to last week. Between 4am Wednesday morning and 4am Monday morning, I was in my apartment for approximately 11 hours, and I was awake for maybe four of them. Thanks, of course, to the Wednesday-Thursday Springfield trip, and the Friday-Sunday trip to DC.

The DC trip was really quite an experience. I keep looking back on the Saturday IMF/World Bank protest, and the first thought that comes to mind is "It was really small." Which isn't fair at all, since the fact that the Sunday march was about 100 times larger shouldn't affect my interpretation of it, but I can't really help it.

Saturday was the reason I came, and Sunday was just an "Oh, that's convenient, we're in DC already" sort of thing-- I am very much a feminist at heart, but for some reason I've never really been driven to turn that into activism, although maybe I should be. Anyway, Saturday's was a good protest. There were a few thousand of us, and we flowed through the streets and drummed and shouted and challenged the neoliberal status quo, which is always a good thing. It wasn't a big step towards growing the movement we were talking about at dinner last week, the one that we need to revolutionize global trade and bring economic justice. But it was something; we were there. And I must admit that it stirred something deep inside me, the something that makes me an activist, to join my voice with the people around me and yell "This is what democracy looks like!" (Or, almost as good, "Our world is not for sale!" and "El pueblo unido jamas sera vencido!") It fed my soul a little, I think.

But I don't think that's all I'm going to take from this trip. It was also an adventure that I shared with a number of really awesome people. And, by the end, I felt connected to many of them. It's not a feeling that I get to experience very often, so it meant a lot to me, in its own small way. Was it only a temporary connection, one which dissolved when I stepped out of the van, never to be regrasped? Or are there pieces of it that can be held onto? I really don't know. Feeling connected to people is such a precious commodity that I'm reluctant to let go of any opportunity I may have, although I don't know whether my desires are that relevant anyway.

In a lot of ways, I feel positively starved for closeness right now. I'm not sure that's a good thing. I mean, I'm glad it's driving me, because I can feel it pushing me to take risks that are out of chracter for me, and maybe they'll pay off. But I think it's kind of keeping me off-balance, uncentered. It pulls me away from being inherently satisfied with who I am as a person, and focuses me on what others think of me as I try to figure out whether friendships will develop. And I'm sure it makes me seem needy and hinders the natural development of said relationships.

It's hard. Life is hard. But it's pretty good, regardless. I have so much more to write, but I think it'll have to wait, since I should really get some sleep.

2004-04-18T02:39:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try to write in here more. Even if that means writing at a time like now, when my thoughts are all over the place and I can't hope to come up with a coherent entry.

Work has been interesting. It's been a struggle, as I have to work hard to get my feet under me and start feeling at home, but Friday was a better day than earlier in the week and I might just be getting the hang of it. One thing I didn't expect is that one of the biggest challenges has not been directly related to the work, but is in fact being organized. I've had to develop filing systems and methods of organizing intricate to-do lists to keep track of dozens of tasks (30+ in my ffrist week); I've learned that people are very concerned with what they call a "workplan," which means I need to compile all the different things I'm being asked to accomplish and then list what tasks must be done to get me there, with timelines and target dates for each piece. I need to find ways to keep track of the tremendous amount of information that's been given to me over the last two weeks, and I need to make the connections in my head and have each section mentally accessible at any given time. It's rough, especially considering that, well, I'm Britt!

I did get my first paycheck today, though. That was cool. It only covered my first week of work, and was more than I make in a quarter at work-study. (Granted, I've always been really bad at getting the hours to reach my work-study limits, but still.) That's kind of freaky. It seems like I ought to feel very rich, but it's pretty much going to take two months of paychecks to save for the down payment on a car, and then I'll be paying in the ballpark of $500 a month for car payments and insurance. Ugh. Still, I should be grateful. I'd love to treat anyone to a drink (or for folks under 21, umm, ice cream?) with my first paycheck, just ask-- really!

I went to Flattop on Friday night. I've been to Flattop maybe 6-8 times in my years at Northwestern, and every time, I get 2-3 bowls of food. And of those many bowls of Flattop stirfry, over the course of many years, they've all been pretty much the same thing. Literally. And then last night, for some reason, I decided to go ahead and get it as a soup. And it was amazingly delicious-- the best meal I've ever had there. Why didn't I ever do that before? I knew that getting it as a soup was an option. If I had ever really thought about it, I know I would have concluded that it was worth a try. But I never did really think about it. I got up every time and made myself a bowl of what I always make, because I knew that I liked how it tasted, because that's what I always got at Flattop. I had all these options to create an infinite variety of new meals for myself, which is what some people like best about Flattop, and I always chose the same thing. Until yesterday. Somehow that strikes me as deeply symbolic of something. Why did I never even consider doing something a little different before?

I've made a little progress on what I so boldly asserted in my last entry. I'm kind of ridiculous, really, though. As much as I talked about boldly stepping forward and seizing control, I was still also kind of hoping to use the internet as a buffer, a crutch, a shortcut. To read the words of others and try to understand them without having to ask directly; to throw my own words out into space without having to commit to sharing them with anyone in particular, hoping they will be read and acted upon without me having to be accountable for telling someone "I'm shy and awkward and paranoid, just in case you were wondering how to interpret me." It's kind of pathetic, but I think it might be working a little. And that helps.

Oh, and do I have a link to my old site on this page anywhere?

2004-04-13T23:54:00.000-05:00

You know what? I'm so tired of not writing about how I really feel in here.

I leave so much out. I've been reading some journals lately that are about real feelings, and I look back at what I've written over the last year, and it's so... limited. I mean, there's a reason for that. A lot of the patterns that I got into in writing this happened in the fall, when I couldn't write about what almost completely dominated my feelings, because it wasn't mine to write about.

But now, I really sort of just want to say fuck it. That's not the situation anymore; I'm not doing wrong by anybody if I say what I want to say. The only reason not to write how I want to is because I'm worried about what other people will think. And why should I? I can't imagine anyone who particularly gives a damn about me reads this. If they did care, they'd be talking to me and hanging out with me instead of just reading my blog every once in a while. That's not the population I particularly care to consider.

You know, I'm done with classes. I'm months away from my graduation ceremonies. They say that college is the best time of your life, that the friendships you find there will last a lifetime. What will I have to carry with me? I have Alex-- my friendship with Alex is one of the very best things I've gotten from college, hands down. That's one. Maybe I'll keep in touch with Eileen over the years; maybe occasionally we'll actually talk about serious emotional issues. Or maybe not. Eileen is awesome, but that's one-and-a-half, at best.

I want more than that. I want the dorm friends from different years who slipped in and out of my life. I want the Peace Project friends who somehow everyone other than me can make.

I don't want it to be over. I don't want it to be too late. Sure, I'm done with classes, but I'll be in Evanston the rest of this year, and all of next year, and maybe in the Chicago area longer than that. Most of the people I know, the people I might be friends with again or for the first time, will be here next year-- or, hell, even three more years. We could make it work, I know we could.

I want to start anew, to seize the moment, to somehow transform my connections to people. I want to believe that where I stand with friendships says little about the kind of friend I am-- there were times when I had many friends, even times when I had several close friends; I just haven't been able to make them stick.

Last week, Naureen mentioned to me, as if noticing it for the first time, that it was odd that somehow I never made it into the Peace Project clique. I told her, "I have a bad habit of assuming that everyone hates me." It's a bit of an overstatement-- really, I have a bad habit of assuming that everyone feels mild dislike and annoyance towards me-- but more or less true. I try to avoid co-op parties, for example, unless someone specifically invites me, or else I'll arrive and there's not a soul who particularly wants me to be there. I feel terribly awkward forcing myself on people-- and so when I occasionally, in recognition of the debilitating effects of this, try to take the initiative in building friendships, I end up acting, unsurprisingly, terribly awkward.

I think that what it comes down to is that one of the most humiliating, painful things I can imagine is to want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be friends with me, and to interact with them when we both know that. The spectre of that situation is constantly floating in the back of my head, limiting my actions, spinning my thoughts and plans in circles. If the other person takes the initiative, if I know they like me at least a little bit, then I can relax and let the friendship develop. But if they're not, if they're neutral towards me or just shy, all I can do is drop hints or leave tiny openings, and then if those aren't reciprocrated, to give up. And there just haven't been enough new people I've met in recent years who've made me feel like they actively want me as a friend.

I need more self-esteem. And I need to decide that sometimes I have to take the risk of the awkwardness of trying for friendship and being rejected if I want to reap the benefits of friendship. I've generally avoided risks for more than a year now, sticking to the comfort of my relationship with Alex and pretending I don't need anyone else... but that's just not emotionally sustainable.

I'm not ready to give up yet. Yes, I'm going to try to make friends at work, naturally. But I'm going to make one last charge at it here at Northwestern this spring, and damn the consequences. The possibility of a couple months of awkwardness weighed against the possibilities of years of friendship... I know what the right choice is. I'm twenty-two years old. It's about time I stop being afraid of shadows.

2004-04-11T19:37:00.000-05:00

Well, here I am, finishing up the three-day weekend I got after my very first week of work. And damn, did I need it. That first week of work was exciting, it was amazing, it was fascinating-- but more than anything, it was overwhelming, and I'm not sure I could have managed a fifth day of it without my head exploding. Now, however, I'm all relaxed and decompressed, and ready to take Monday head-on.

It already feels-- well, not normal yet exactly, but like it will be normal sooner or later. I think I can do this. I think I can enjoy doing this. I'm way over my head at the moment, and if I still feel this way in a month I'm in big trouble-- but I have this quiet feeling that it will be okay. It's really frightening that this is the real world now, that how well I do the tasks set out before me will affect other people's lives in serious, fundamental ways. I'm nervous as hell about that. But I think I can do alright. It's far too early to know if I'll excel at this, but I've just got to trust that I'm smart enough and capable enough to get by without letting down the people who are counting on me.

And in the meantime... I have to figure out how I fit into the world of Northwestern now. On the one hand, in my head student activism here at Northwestern seems out of place in my new life. Yet in some ways, it feels more right now than ever before, and looking at what I've given three years of my life to, I don't want to stop working and fighting until I'm dragged away kicking and screaming. I don't know. I'll definitely be at least finishing out this year; then I guess I'll have to do some serious thinking...

2004-04-04T23:20:00.000-05:00

Here I am in DC. They flew me here for 3 days of training (but I came in early to spend the weekend with my parents), so that starts tomorrow. Eek.

Then I start for real in Chicago on Thursday. Double eek.

I can tell already that there are going to be a ton of challenges ahead for me in this job, of all different kinds. I hope I can rise to meet them, stretch and grow.

2004-03-28T21:43:00.000-06:00

And suddenly my life is changing, very rapidly.

I have a job. I'm not going to babble about it here, not quite yet, since it's not technically official yet. But suffice it to say that this is the job I was hoping for. I don't know for sure what I want to do with the rest of my life-- but this was my first choice of something to try for a couple years to see how it fits me. I'm excited, although I can't quite believe it's real.

I'll likely start a week from tomorrow, on April 5th.

I'm going to get my driver's license again. It's kind of scary, after all the accidents in summer 2001, but I was going to have to get back behind the wheel sooner or later, and it was a condition of getting this job. I just sent New Jersey $200 so they'll tell Illinois it's okay to issue me a permit. (Apparently, even though they send out notifications to anyone who's had two "incidents" in their first two years of driving, telling folks they need to take a probationary driving course, you in fact only need to pay for the course, not actually take it, to clear your record. Does that seem a little off to you?) Then I need to find some way to brush up on my driving and take my road test, preferably not shelling out $65 an hour to a driving school, although that may be unavoidable. Anyone know someone with a car who wants some easy money for taking me to my driving test sometime in late April?

Oh, and then I need to buy a car. Two weeks ago I wasn't expecting to drive again until I had kids, and now I'm looking to buy a car. And since I want a safe and reliable one, I'm probably going to be shelling out some money for this, instead of looking for a cousin to the 1982 Datsun Stanza which served me well until its unfortunate demise that fateful summer.

But never fear, because, y'know, I'm going to be getting a paycheck. A real one. One that will cover rent, and student loan payments, and car payments, and car insurance (I shudder to think what my premiums will be), with money left over for fun, and to save for retirement, and to start saving for crazy things in my not-too-distant future like a wedding and a down payment on a house. And to finally start sending money to my parents (to help them make the payments on the tens of thousands of dollars in loans they took out to put me through Northwestern) instead of them always sending money to me. I'll be financially self-sufficient, and then some. Me, Britt.

Tomorrow, classes start again here at Northwestern, and they're starting without me. In a week, the rest of my life begins.

Damn, it's weird.

2004-03-17T12:10:00.000-06:00

We get Tom Brokaw. Penn gets Bono.

Does this seem fair to you?

2004-03-05T02:09:00.000-06:00

Had my first job interview today-- it went well, I thought. (For The Spencer Foundation... up on floor 39 of the Hancock building. Where you need a spiffy key card to get the elevators to run, and it took me a good 45 seconds to figure out how to make it work-- don't laugh!) I should have another one soon (knock on wood!) with SEIU. (They're only on the 25th floor, and their building uses normal elevators.)

I have just realized that since a) I am an extremely indecisive person, and b) deciding where to work is one of the biggest decisions I'll have had to make so far in my young life, then c) I'm really quite screwed, I think. Look forward to watching me squirm in indecision and probably blow my best opportunities (or just piss off anyone who actually does make a job offer by asking for "some time" to think about it and then taking a month or three). I hope I'm wrong about the latter scenarios, at least, but I think the former is inescapable. (Says the girl who applied to 11 colleges because she couldn't bear to narrow her list down any further.)

2004-02-21T17:58:00.000-06:00

Yes, yes, I took the quiz more than once. Don't tell me you've never done it.But I only did because one question could have gone either way. So take your pick...

You're Israel!

Though a victim in the past, you've learned very little from this and have encouraged a cycle of violence in your life and the life of many you know. You're a little paranoid and somewhat schizophrenic, causing you to promote both hatred and hope in cycling intervals. Some of the paranoia is justified, as a lot of people don't like you, but more people are helping you than you'd ever really admit to. At this point, you live on some valuable property and would benefit greatly from just giving peace a chance.
Take the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

You're Bosnia-Herzegovina!

You've just been through a big tragedy. You weren't sure you were going to make it at all. Now that you have, there's a lot to pick back up in your life, and not enough people are helping you. You just wanted a little more freedom, a chance to be away from those who thought poorly of you. Now it's time to build up some confidence, and it looks like you have a good chance at that. But you'll need a lot of therapy.
Take
the Country Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

2004-02-17T22:56:00.000-06:00

So.

The other night we were at a tapas place for dinner. And as I was pondering my choices, I came upon "Calamares a la Plancha." Hmm, I thought. Despite my internal anguish about where it fits into my vegetarian hierarchy, fried calamari is yummy. Granted, in this dish it was not fried. In fact, the description read "Grilled squid in olive oil and garlic." (No, I do not have a photographic memory, just an online menu.) But I've had it grilled and mixed into my Flat Top stirfries before, too. Add to that the fact that it was one of the relatively few non-spicy tapas offered, and one of the cheapest seafoods, and I said, "Okay, I'll bite." (Bite, get it? Ha.)

Well, they brought it out. And, umm... how can I put this? Calamari is squid. The previous times I've eaten it, I've gotten to conveniently ignore this fact. Fried calamari is pretty much completely unidentifiable-- it could be any kind of long thin fried object. And little bits of it in a stirfry could be any kind of seafood or white meat, really. But when they brought it out to the table? It looked like squid.

I mean, seriously looked like squid. Like, with slippery tentacles and stuff. I kept staring at the dish and laughing for several minutes before I could start seriously contemplate actually eating the food. There were two different sizes in this dish. The bigger ones were white, with about 5 thick flat non-descript tentacles each. They really weren't too bad, especially after I cut them into bite-sized pieces so I could once again pretend I didn't know what I was eating. It was really yummy, too; nothing like squid with olive oil and garlic, huh? Oh, but the little ones... they had them facedown on the plate, and I ate the first one without flipping it over. But then I made the mistake of looking at the underside... lots of skinny little tentacles, with little suckers or feelers or something on them. Gah. I tried to eat another one, put it on the fork and lifted it to my mouth, but I just couldn't do it.

Yeah. Eating squid is creepy. I think from now on I'm going to stick to dishes where I can pretend "calamari" just means some kind of exotic fish.

2004-02-12T00:35:00.000-06:00

create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Have driven through without stopping or been in an airport in 5 more states. Will make it to Kentucky on Feb 27th (to protest Taco Bell in Louisville) and Hawaii this summer (yay!).

create your own visited country map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Far less exciting. (1%.) Wow, Israel looks tiny over there.

2004-02-08T20:31:00.000-06:00

Okay, so my first and possibly only NU basketball wasn't exactly what one could call representative. But, hell, I'll take it!

The place was packed. Yeah, there were tons of Badger fans, but there were a lot of NU supporters, too. It was clear that the sea of red was a lot louder than we could manage to be-- that was demonstrated clearly enough in the first couple minutes, when Wisconsin was up 6-0 and 8-2, and I thought, "Ah, Northwestern sports, just like always." But then somehow we managed to make it 17-8 and 24-11, and by halftime it was 36-19 and the horde of Wisconsin fans had been mostly quieted. And even though Wisconsin never got closer than 10 points behind during the second half, there was still a sense of excitement and tension, because, c'mon, it was Wisconsin behind Northwestern.

It was really cool. The place was definitely full of energy. I had a blast jumping up and cheering every time we scored, chanting and making all sorts of noise, singing the fight song (it made me miss marching band, but that's a completely different story). At the end we chanted "Our house!" and "Just like football!" and then rushed the court. It was most excellent.

So by my count, I am now 3-0 at Northwestern sporting events: the football team's thrashing of Indiana(?) my freshman year, the NU-Michigan football classic of the same year, and now this one. I know how to pick 'em, huh?

2004-02-01T00:36:00.000-06:00

More good things I forgot to include:

Half.com. There's really something nice about bringing in more money in a couple weeks selling books than you've spent buying books for the quarter. Of course, this conveniently ignores the original cost of said books, but if you pretend the money is coming out of thin air, it's pretty sweet. Plus, although I had to make 4 trips to the post office to mail 8 books, I managed to make 3 of those trips on Friday afternoons when I volunteer at NSP right across the street from the post office anyway, so it's been a pretty painless hunk of cash.

Cafe Mud. There's going to be a coffee shop moving in right down the street in March, apparently. This is nice, as the current highlight of my neighborhood is everyone's favorite Hanan's Finer Foods 'n' Porn Shop. I have no idea if it'll be any good, but I'm hoping for some good Grand Opening promotions and discounts.

2004-01-29T23:35:00.000-06:00

My goodness. My life is busy.

This quarter, this January, has taken stress to a whole new level. I'm used to having a couple things a day on my to-do list and occasionally running into a busy, overwhelming day. But pretty much every day in 2004, I've had at least 7 or 8 distinct specific things I need to take care of that day. It's classwork and activities and errands and miscellaneous-- and, oh yeah, that job search thing. Between trying every bit of networking I can (and thus balancing 15-20 names to contact and follow up on), checking idealist.org and npo.net and unionjobs.com pretty much every day, fiddling with my resume, and pursuing an aimless course of internet searches to try to locate interesting organizations in Chicago and DC, it sucks up a lot of free time without any tangible results as of yet-- and of course the lack of tangible results leads to the free-floating stress and anxiety.

But you know what? Yeah, I'm stressed and overwhelmed and nervous about finding a job. But despite it all, I'm happy, in a deep-down way. Life is good. Sure, I'd rather life was relaxing as well as happy, but this sure beats being stressed and unhappy.

Here are just a few of the things that are making me happy this quarter, in no particular order:

The snow. Hey, I like the snow! It's pretty. And I figure if we're going to be cold anyway, might as well have the snow to show for it. Besides, when it snows every day, that cuts down on the gross dirty slush on the roads.

My independent study. I've spent hours every week reading the Daily from 1968-1971. It's fucking fascinating. Yeah, I get distracted from focusing on the parts relevant to student activism because I find every nook and cranny and taste of culture and society intriguing, but so what? I'm enjoying myself. I'll have to put some quotes up on the blog at some point... they're priceless.

Mulling spices. I fell in love with mulled cider when we made some with Colleen's spices at Halloween, then tried to make some from scratch over winter break and failed miserably. But then I found a tin for 75% off at Cost Plus. No, I haven't used them yet, but there's just that satisfaction about having something you're going to enjoy in your possession (and knowing it was damn cheap!).

My birthday. Celebrating it with the love of those who mean the most to me. That's what made it so special.

Students for Economic Justice. People actually come to the meetings now. Yeah, it's still not a ton of people, but I don't worry anymore about it collapsing when I graduate, and there are people who are enthuastic about the things I'm enthusiastic about.

Informational interviewing. There's something just amazing and uplifting and beautiful about meeting with someone who barely knows you, or who doesn't know you, or who knows someone who knows you, and having them smile at you and give you their best advice and constructively critique your resume and offer to recommend you to the people they know at the places you want to work. I don't know if any of it will actually pay off in terms of me getting a job, but it just renews my faith in human nature, you know? Random acts of kindness-- I love it.

2004-01-01T01:19:00.000-06:00

Goodbye 2003... Welcome to 2004.

I can't say I'm sorry to say goodbye to 2003. I experienced a lot, and I felt a lot, and I grew a lot. It was quite a roller-coaster, full of intense lows and highs, and if you'd asked me to make predictions last January 1, never in a million years would I have guessed 2003 would happen the way it did. Despite it all, if I had the chance to go straight from 2002 to 2004, I wouldn't take that option, because I have the sense that 2003 has done a hell of a lot to help change me from the child I used to be to the adult I'm becoming. But that doesn't mean I'm not glad to say goodbye to it, and welcome in a new year with even more unpredictable surprises. I just hope it's a bit calmer and easier than 2003.

Ha! By the end of 2004, I'm going to be an almost-23 year old college graduate living who-knows-where working at a job doing who-knows-what. Scary, huh?

But let's not dwell on that. I have all of 2004 for blog entries dwelling on that. Let's move on to New Year's resolutions. It's kind of hard, because while I could make some college-related resolutions, that'll only cover 1/4 of 2004, and I really don't know what I'll be doing during the rest of the year so I don't know what resolutions will be appropriate. Oh, well, I'll have to be broad and vague.

1. Procrastinate less.
2. Learn more about nutrition, and experiment with making healthier and more nutritious foods that I like enough to eat on a regular basis.
3. Watch less television. Just because cable means that there's at least one moderately interesting show on at all times, that doesn't mean that the TV should be on at all times.
4. Develop more self-confidence.
5. Along with #4, work on both starting new friendships with others and developing the relationships with people I already know.
6. Try to care less about what people think about me if they're not important people in my life.

Think I can do it?

2003-12-22T02:15:00.000-06:00

Oy, it's been a while, huh?

I've meant to blog so many times, and never gotten around to it. I've got some excuses, though, really! First there was the end-of-the-quarter paper writing craziness. Remind me sometime to tell you the story about the time when for the first time in my life I drank coffee at nighttime. I had 1 1/2 cups around 1 AM, attempted to go to bed at 3:30 AM so I'd be rested for an appointment I needed to be up at 9AM for, and ended up staring at the ceiling wide awake with caffeine rushing through my blood until around 7:30AM. Apparently when they say caffeine keeps you awake, they're not kidding! Well, my instant mochas never kept me up at night!

Then, since I got back, I have been using the internet connection from hell. After my sister left for college, my parents dropped the cable modem service we were using, and so when I got back and wanted to use the internet, we decided to pop in one of those free AOL CDs. I can't tell whether it's just having a dial-up connection, it's AOL's fault, or it's my computer, but not only do I get disconnected about every 5 minutes, but when I'm connected everything moves as slowly as molasses. It can take me a couple hours sometimes to get through my Northwestern mail and my Hotmail. It's pretty sad.

Plus, while luckily I've had little pain after my wisdom tooth surgery, I have been kind of tired and under the weather since then. So I haven't had the energy to wrestle with the internet any more than is absolutely necessary. But today, I'm here! And I'm sure that all of my zillions of readers who've been waiting with baited breath for an update on the fascinating goings-on in the life of Britt are now satisfied... :-/

2003-12-02T00:04:00.000-06:00

Wisdom tooth surgery = December 19th.
*gulp*

2003-11-26T01:47:00.000-06:00

So when plans change, and you suddenly find yourself alone in Evanston for Thanksgiving, the decision becomes:

Food or people?

That is, do I want to pay the $3 to go to the ASG Thanksgiving dinner and be surrounded by crowds of strangers? Or do I want to do a big shopping trip for ingredients and then spend Thanksgiving making all the traditional foods that I associate with the day?

I'm leaning towards the latter. My mom dictated several recipes to me over the phone this evening, and since I've had salmon instead of turkey at Thanksgiving for the last 10 years, this makes the endeavor significantly more feasible. Salmon, mashed potatoes, my mom's special crescent rolls, spinach casserole, chocolate truffles-- I can totally make those things. They may not be everyone's idea of Thanksgiving (well, I'm pretty sure the mashed potatoes are a standard!), but it's what my family has. And since this is going to be my first Thanksgiving ever without my family, I kind of like the idea of having that culinary connection, eating the familiar things at the same time as they are. Sure, my mom can say, "You shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving!" But honestly, in that crowd at the ASG dinner, I'd just be alone in a sea of people.

It's odd what impact food can have on your emotions, isn't it?

2003-11-15T03:35:00.000-06:00

I haven't written in a while, have I?

I'm pretty busy. I've taken five classes in a quarter numerous times, but just the four from this quarter add up to the biggest workload of my time at Northwestern. (And it's really only three of them, in fact, since although sitting in lecture for Poli Sci Methods makes me want to gnaw my ankles off for the sake of distraction, it's actually quite an easy class.)

The TA of my Southeast Asian Politics class laughed at me today. We were talking about our 15-page papers, and since I'm up to my elbows in primary sources for my history research paper, I inquired about whether he wanted us to use primary sources. He laughed out loud in front of the whole section. "No, you don't need to fly to Southeast Asia and interview anyone," he said. "That should save you a lot of money. You can stick to secondary sources." Yeah, because personal interviews are the only primary sources out there. As much as this class feels a lot like a history course sometimes, I guess there are some differences, huh?

I ate at SAGA last night. It actually isn't that bad, when you're not forced to eat it day after day after day. I had a coupon for a free meal (I certainly wouldn't pay for it!), so I stopped by Sargent for dinner after class. There's something nice about having a wide variety of food, as much as you want, without having to make any of it yourself. (No, I don't eat out often, how did you guess?) I had salad, which I don't often have at home because it requires having a variety of produce on hand which has not yet gone bad, which is rare for me, so I usually just heat up frozen veggies. I had french fries, which I never buy because it seems redundant alongside the sack of potatoes that's always in my cabinet. I had a fish sandwich. I had blueberry pie. I had two yummy coconut cookies, and nabbed four more in a napkin. And, I had coffee (which I have finally developed a taste for)... and they had Kahlua and Irish Cream flavored creamers! So cool. All in all, I was rather pleased with my meal, which is vaguely disturbing.

I have finally acquired a space heater for my it's-really-a-porch-not-a-bedroom-so-the-insulation-sucks room. I rearranged the entire place in order to have somewhere to put it that's 3 feet away from anything flammable as recommended, which was a challenge in a room the size of mine. However, I have not yet used it. This is because turning it on would be quite dangeous, considering the piles of quite flammable clothes, papers, and books that have somehow accumulated around it, not even three inches away, let alone three feet. This will soon present us with a fun experiment: would Britt rather get frostbite, or clean her room? Tune in next week.

2003-11-01T13:16:00.000-06:00

I've been so very spaced out lately. It's really hard to keep my focus, especially in terms of schoolwork. I keep being reminded that there's so much of life that's more important and significant than classes and grades, and so it's difficult to pay attention to those things right now. So I end up unmotivated to study for exams, and while I'm putting in time at the microfilm machine for one of my papers, I keep putting off any attempt to start writing it, or to do any research on the other two. My mind is constantly wandering.

I need to find some way to get over this before I need to write 45 pages of papers and study for 3 finals. I have a feeling it's going to get worse instead of better, though. Well, does it really matter? I'm sure things will get done; I'm just not sure if they'll get done well.

2003-10-24T01:00:00.000-05:00

Recently ran across the Greatest Poem Ever, which I spent long bus rides learning by heart the summer before last (and still mostly remember!). It resonates again with me particularly as I try to figure out where my place will be in the post-graduation world. It's an amazing poem... it makes me say: This is what I believe in. This is what I want to do with my life...

Let America Be America Again
Langston Hughes

Let America be America again.
Let it be the dream it used to be.
Let it be the pioneer on the plain
Seeking a home where he himself is free.

(America never was America to me.)

Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed--
Let it be that great strong land of love
Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme
That any man be crushed by one above.

(It never was America to me.)

O, let my land be a land where Liberty
Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath,
But opportunity is real, and life is free,
Equality is in the air we breathe.

(There's never been equality for me,
Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.")

Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark?
And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?

I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart,
I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars.
I am the red man driven from the land,
I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek--
And finding only the same old stupid plan
Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.

I am the young man, full of strength and hope,
Tangled in that ancient endless chain
Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land!
Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need!
Of work the men! Of take the pay!
Of owning everything for one's own greed!

I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil.
I am the worker sold to the machine.
I am the Negro, servant to you all.
I am the people, humble, hungry, mean--
Hungry yet today despite the dream.
Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers!
I am the man who never got ahead,
The poorest worker bartered through the years.

Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream
In the Old World while still a serf of kings,
Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true,
That even yet its mighty daring sings
In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned
That's made America the land it has become.
O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas
In search of what I meant to be my home--
For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore,
And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea,
And torn from Black Africa's strand I came
To build a "homeland of the free."

The free?

Who said the free? Not me?
Surely not me? The millions on relief today?
The millions shot down when we strike?
The millions who have nothing for our pay?
For all the dreams we've dreamed
And all the songs we've sung
And all the hopes we've held
And all the flags we've hung,
The millions who have nothing for our pay--
Except the dream that's almost dead today.

O, let America be America again--
The land that never has been yet--
And yet must be--the land where every man is free.
The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME--
Who made America,
Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain,
Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain,
Must bring back our mighty dream again.

Sure, call me any ugly name you choose--
The steel of freedom does not stain.
From those who live like leeches on the people's lives,
We must take back our land again,
America!

O, yes,
I say it plain,
America never was America to me,
And yet I swear this oath--
America will be!

Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death,
The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies,
We, the people, must redeem
The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers.
The mountains and the endless plain--
All, all the stretch of these great green states--
And make America again!

2003-10-17T03:14:00.000-05:00

Well, at least that's something.

I'm not overjoyed, or excited, or thrilled, or psyched, the way I would be if it was the Cubs who'd just won the pennant. I'm certainly not giddy. I'm not rabidly looking forward to spending the next week glued to the TV.

But I am pleased. That's better than nothing. And certainly better than the Red Sox winning, which would have been far worse than nothing.

Yes, I know that the Yankees' win pisses off the vast majority of baseball fans, who've been following the LCS's excitedly and are now looking at the World Series with frustration and disgust. I feel bad for them. But if there is a benevolent and omnipotent God, he would have let the Cubs win in the first place, so it's not like there's anything I can do about it.

And now I go back to being my isolated self, rooting for the team everyone else despises. That was one of the many nice things about cheering for the Cubs... it was something to share with everyone else, shared hopes, shared cheers, shared disappointments, everyone welcomed and included as fellow Cubs fans. As a Yankee fan, I'm used to everyone wanting my team to lose. And then there are always the people who not only want the Yankees to lose, but think that all Yankee fans deserve to be taunted and made to feel like shit, and either forget or don't care that I'm actually a human being, too.

Maybe there's at least one benefit to the Marlins being in the World Series. Maybe people who feel like that will be so disgusted that they won't care enough about the Series to find the fun in trying to make me miserable. Crossing my fingers for that...

2003-10-16T02:50:00.000-05:00

Damn.

2003-10-14T23:16:00.000-05:00

Okay. This is the point where I cross my fingers and hope that I manage to do the right things to placate the Baseball Gods. Tomorrow could be a Very Good Day. Or it could be a Very Bad Day.

There is very little that would depress me more than a Marlins-Red Sox World Series at this point. With all of the passion I've got in my heart, I've been pulling for the Yankees and the Cubs all of October so far. In 24 hours, they may both have clinched. Or... or... I don't want to think about the alternatives.

I don't think I could really enjoy the World Series, even if the Yankees are in it, if the Cubs lose tomorrow. The Cubs have to win. Everyone's watching the Cubs, it's pulled this city together, and they have a date with destiny. (You know they do. You can feel it too.) If that gets blown and the Florida fucking Marlins win... it would be so, so sad. The Yankees creaming the Marlins couldn't make up for it.

And the Red Sox. Cannot. Win. At this point, it's more about them not winning than the Yankees not losing. If it's the Cubs and Red Sox in the World Series, yes it'll be that much more reason to root for the Cubs, but I'll be spending the Series freaking out every time the Red Sox score a run. You have to understand that while the Cubs haven't won in 95 years, them winning the World Series would just be extra fun and special. But the Red Sox? If they win, there are serious karmic consequences. If they win the World Series, the Yankees will never win again. The Yankees' 26 world championships and 38 pennants will be history, and it will be the Yankees doomed to 85 years of suffering. You can't tell me this is illogical, because in my heart of hearts, I believe it. And so if the Cubs and Red Sox play eachother, while it may turn out alright, it just might be too stressful to be that enjoyable.

But maybe, just maybe, everything will turn out alright. Maybe, somehow, we will find ourselves with a Yankees-Cubs World Series. It would be beautiful. No matter what happened, I couldn't be upset with the outcome. I can't deny that the Cubs winning the Series would be the most fun result. These fans are crazy and excited and wonderful and appreciative the way that New York fans aren't quite. And more than that, the whole city is part of it. It wasn't like this with the Yankees, because I was never a New Yorker. But I've never felt more a Chicagoan than this past month. I love it. And if the Cubs don't end up winning, who better than the Yankees? They may have won their share, but they're my guys. I've watched them for years, I know their strengths and weaknesses, their at-bat music, their kids' names. While it may not be the optimal end to the baseball season, I could hardly be depressed about the Yankees winning again.

So. I cross all my fingers and toes, whisper "Please please please" into the sky, and beg of cruel fate to let me have my way.

I've wrapped myself up in baseball, let it take up my time and lift me away from the weighty, serious things that fill my mind. Let me have this escape for just a little while longer...

2003-10-09T02:40:00.000-05:00

Ah, this evening was most excellent.

I left earlier than I needed to, forgetting about the joy that is the Purple Line Express that got me to Addison in 20 minutes. So I did a lot of wandering around before the game. I scouted out a couple of bars, and the guy at Murphy's Bleachers hassled me about my ID. ("From New Jersey, huh? What're you doing in these parts?" "Going to school." "Ah, good old Newton." "Actually, I live in Fredon, it's just outside Newton." "Does Fake still live there?") He let me in, though, but I decided I didn't like the place much and went back to the bar at Addison and Sheffield.

I spent the first three innings there, which was much fun, especially because in that point at the game it was still suspenseful, and the joint went nuts when Sammy hit the home run to make the score 5-0. By the end of the third, though, I was sweating in the packed, hot bar, my legs were tired, I was hungry, and the Cubs were up by 8. So instead of buying overpriced bar food, I decided to wander.

I found $2 cheese fries, a seat, a TV, and a friendly crowd of maybe 20 Cubs fans across the street. When I was fed and rested, I made my way around Wrigley to Waveland Avenue, where those crowds you always see on TV are gathered. (Of course, I couldn't get into the crowd you always see on TV, because they were blockaded off and the police weren't letting anyone over-- I would have had to walk all the way around the stadium to get to them from the other side, and who knows if I'd have been able to get in there, either. So I was in the "second-class" crowd.) Maybe 15 minutes after I got there, Alex Gonzalez's home run flew over the fence, hit the street, and bounced up and into the crowd about 50 feet away from me. That was pretty neat.

Waveland Avenue was fun, but the main problem was that it was very hard to follow what was going on, since all we had to go by was the scoreboard (so we knew if there was an out or a run had scored) and our interpretation of the noise of the crowd. ("Did that cheer sound like he hit a double or a single?") So eventually I left. After a brief encounter with the inflatable Harry Caray, I made my way to the 7-11 and grabbed a slurpee. I sipped it happily outside the bar I was at before and watched the TV through the window, feeling pleased with myself for having a $1.19 slurpee instead of a $5 beer while being kind to my recently taxed liver to boot. That's how things went for the last couple innings, and then I screamed in glee with everyone around me, snapped a picture of "Cubs Win!" on the scoreboard, and dashed for the El ahead of the stadium crowd.

Ah, baseball, how I love you. And we shall conveniently forget that the Yankees lost tonight.

2003-10-07T23:59:00.000-05:00

So much to say, no faith in Comcast to keep my internet connected long enough to say it.

I'm going to a Wrigleyville bar tomorrow night to watch Game 2 of the NLCS. If you want to come with, e-mail me or call the cell. I'm planning to leave around 6. You should come. It'll be fun.

2003-10-07T02:49:00.000-05:00

Why is it only at 2:30 AM the night before an 11 AM class that I suddenly remember the letter I very much wanted to write to the Daily in response to a column today? Must remind self that the letter wouldn't get published tomorrow anyway, so I might as well write it tomorrow. Although I just spent a good 20 minutes looking stuff up online.

I guess that means now's not the time to whine about my day, either, is it? May I just say: Wisdom tooth. Side of mouth. Ow.

(Also: Jacket in library. Disappeared. Bizarre. Annoying.)

2003-10-06T02:50:00.000-05:00

My 24-hour fast for Yom Kippur started at sundown. (The quick story for anyone who isn't aware: I consider myself culturally Jewish, although I'm religiously agnostic. I carry out Jewish traditions like fasting on Yom Kippur and observing Passover as a connection to my family and my ancestors.) Anyhow, I started getting hungry pretty soon afterwards. The smells of everyone else's dinner (garlic bread!) were ever-so-tantalizing. It was hard (which is good, it's supposed to be), although I was persevering.

Then we found mouse droppings on the counter. And in the cabinet where I keep my food. Suddenly I'm not hungry anymore.

Granted, it's just a psychological effect, because all of my food is sealed and nothing was gnawed through or even more than barely nibbled. So my food is safe, now that it's been moved to an alternative location. (In the armoire in the next room, in fact. It's sort of silly, but it's the best alternative, because although we have tons of cabinet space above the sink and stove, they're pointlessly high and no one can reach above the lowest shelf, and I can't even reach beyond the very front of the lowest shelf. Yay for useless cabinets.)

Ugh. Yeah. Fun. Time to buy the mousetraps...

2003-10-03T03:02:00.000-05:00

I just took a nice, long, hot shower to get the chill out of my bones. (Well, and to get clean, too, but that's secondary.) It was quite sad how long it took me to convince myself that there was any reason to leave my warm, steamy cocoon and reenter the hard, cold world of the apartment. The feeling afterwards is reminiscent of being sent outside for recess in junior high in November immediately after swimming, and watching our wet hair crystallize into ice. (No frozen hair yet here, although I wouldn't be surprised.) We better figure out this heating stuff soon, since by my count only three of our seven radiators emit any heat currently, and I'm using a very loose definition of the word "any."

Speaking of heating, the landlord said that I'm basically going to need a space heater to get through the winter in my room. (Would you believe that it never occurred to me before I moved in that having a bedroom that's technically a porch might cause problems when it gets cold out?) I've done some preliminary research; what I've found so far is, "Space heaters are evil! You're going to die of carbon monoxide poisoning, unless the fire you start kills you first!" Seriously, though, I need to keep investigating. Prices seem to range between $20-$100, and I need to find something that's safe, energy efficient, compact, and maybe even with spiffy features like a timer so I could set it to turn on before I wake up in the morning. I'm kind of excited, although it's hard not to be excited about something that creates warmth as I sit in the freezer otherwise known as my room.

2003-09-28T03:25:00.000-05:00

There are things that should be written about that haven't been yet, like classes and apartment living and baseball and the REM concert and politics and being a senior and The Future. If I say They will be, eventually (and they will be, eventually) does that help?

I'm tired. That keeps happening at the end of the day.

2003-09-23T21:18:00.000-05:00

Today's positive: Went to the PARC barbecue this evening, said hi to old PARCers and heard good things about the freshmen, had a delicious s'more.

Today's negative: Phone did not get hooked up, for no apparent reason. Because of this, internet did not get set up, because apparently they call first and if you don't answer, they don't show. No internet until Thursday. (Although I complained sufficiently that Comcast is waiving one of our installation fees, so that's a plus.) All three of us are currently at Norris getting our fill of internet access. Bleh.

Classes tomorrow already?!??!

2003-09-22T02:23:00.000-05:00

New apartment here at 2026 Maple. Yay. After tremendous effort, it is actually clean. My room is now mostly unpacked and arranged, I have groceries which are put away, I just got a cell phone, and we're using the cable modem that the subletters left until we get our own service Tuesday. This place is starting to feel like home.

I had a good weekend. The worst of the mono seems to have passed, and it was really nice to have my dad here for a couple days. Now it's time to start thinking about everything that needs to get done tomorrow and Tuesday prior to classes starting up again...

2003-09-18T18:37:00.000-05:00

All flights have stopped out of DC. United flights are currently scheduled to begin again at 11 AM tomorrow. My dad's flight here from DC leaves at noon tomorrow. Fingers crossed that United knows what they're talking about with the timing. In the meantime, hopefully both my parents had a relaxing day together home from work, waiting for the rain and wind to pick up. The DC area strikes me as a bit paranoid, but hey, if it keeps my parents safe I won't complain.

Law enforcement officials said they could not force people to abandon their homes, but they issued the starkest possible warnings to frighten them into doing so. In the coastal resort of Virginia Beach, the police chief urged those staying behind to write their names on their forearms so authorities could identify their bodies and notify their next of kin.

Okay, yes, that's practical. But it's also really creepy.

2003-09-16T00:57:00.000-05:00

I'm back in Evanston. And I have mono.

This means that, basically, I sleep a lot, eat very small amounts and spend at least a half-hour beforehand figuring out what's appetizing and at least somewhat nutritious, drink water non-stop (and subsequently pee constantly), and when I'm up, worry about being the klutz I am and bumping into a random object and rupturing my spleen. Fun and exciting, really.

It's kind of ridiculous how hard it is to accomplish a short and simple list of things to do in a day, as evidenced by the fact that I've had "post new blog entry" on my to-do list every day since Thursday, and it's only today that I manage before collapsing into exhausted sleep to stick up a short entry, devoid of all the fascinating stories about me sitting on my ass in grocery store aisles pretending that I just want a really good look at what's on the bottom shelf, or the damn Searle nurse who pricked me far more than necessary.

In part it's somewhat nice to have an excuse to be lying around doing nothing; on the other hand, it's kind of annoying not to have the choice. I was kind of proud of my self-discipline this summer, where I resolved to do the dishes every night before I went to bed, and succeeded at least 90% of the time (it's true! you can ask my roommate!), but now I've just kept filling up the sink since I got here. And of course, exercising every other day is out of the question at the moment. I should be able to get more work-study done from bed even when I'm feeling icky, but somehow it doesn't happen, so maybe I need to work on pulling my work-ethic out from under the mono excuse. We'll see.

Hopefully this doesn't turn into Whining and Complaining Central over the next couple weeks, and I can find more interesting and pleasant things to talk about. I plan on it. I have things to be thankful about, like the fact that classes don't start for more than a week, or that my throat is not currently torturing me, although it has become rather annoying. But, y'know:

It's my blog
And I can whine if I want to
Whine if I want to
Whine if I want to
You would whine too, if it happened to you!

2003-09-07T01:38:00.000-05:00

I'm hitting the road tomorrow-- catching a bus to Pittsburgh to visit my friend Meredith for a few days, then taking another bus from there to Chicago on Thursday. And in preparation for this, I've somehow managed an extraordinarly productive day, despite the fact that 5+ hours of said day was spent traveling back and forth from, and watching, an excellent Orioles game at Camden Yards.

Not only did I get all my packing done, and fit most of what I need to bring into the amount of luggage I can maneuver (although my baking pans will have to journey by mail, it seems), but I also managed to sort through several million of my mom's recipes. Now, granted, I started that task previously (which led to, among other things, last night's souffle-making attempt in which the result of my mom's and my combined effort was a "sort of" success), but there was much left to do. And while there are a fair number of recipe cards which my mom's just letting me physically take, there are many more cards, plus all the recipes I wanted from her cookbooks, that have had to be laboriously copied over. Because it seems wisest, I have been doing this on the computer, and now have a lengthy text document full of recipes.

As I observe my selections, I can't help but notice that a disproportionate number of the recipes happen to be for desserts, because there's something about dessert recipes that make my heart (or my stomach!) leap with the conviction that I'm surely going to want to eat whatever the dessert is enough to go through with the making of it. I just need to face the fact that making my own desserts will take more time, effort, and money than just buying dollar cookies or a half-gallon of ice cream for desserts, and so if/when I choose to do so, I'll be treating myself to the fun of making, eating, and sharing.

I have found a fair number of intriguing recipes (as well as a couple of familiar ones) for entrees, too, which seem like they might be good additions to "the usual" on nights when I'm up for spending more than 10 minutes making dinner. I have this image of myself picking out dinners with lengthy preparation times in order to put off starting homework, although that may very well translate into being too lazy to work that hard and instead finding ways to procrastinate that involve sitting on a couch, so we'll have to wait and see.

Au revoir; in all likelihood, the next time I post it'll be from Evanston.

2003-09-05T01:36:00.000-05:00

Story of my day:

Noon: I wake up groggily and slowly to the sound of the alarm clock. I check e-mail and dawdle. I start several tasks at once and get about five seconds into each, in a wonderful display of unproductivity. By the time I prepare lunch plus food to take with me, pack my backpack, and dig change out of the nooks and crannies of the apartment, I have to race out the door to catch the bus.

1:30: I get off one bus and try to transfer to the second. I realize that my mom and I have miscommunicated the address of the dentist's office. I speak to several bus drivers and try to figure out how to get where I'm going; no one knows.

1:50: I grudgingly pay for a cab to the dentist's office. I realize it was a 5 minute walk if I'd known how to get there.

2:00: The dentist tells me that even though she is my provider as of Sept. 1st, if the health plan hasn't sent them a roster with my name on it, she can't give me a cleaning and checkup. I look panicked and whine about going back to school and wisdom teeth and getting kicked off my parents' insurance. She takes a quick "complimentary" look in my mouth, tells me to get my wisdom teeth out ASAP, and writes me a referral slip to an oral surgeon.

2:45: I walk back to the Metro station/bus terminal and decide to take the bus back to the apartment for a couple hours, instead of the original plan to go straight downtown and hang out before the NFL kickoff free concert. After waiting for the bus for about 10 minutes, I realize that on my way out the door, I forgot to bring the apartment key. I decide to go straight downtown.

3:30: After walking in a circle around the Department of Agriculture because I couldn't be bothered to spend 10 seconds orienting myself, I set off to the Museum of Air and Space to kill some time. I do the obligatory point-at-the-LM-and-say-"My grandpa made that" thing and then find some exhibits I haven't seen before.

5:30: They kick me out of the Air and Space Museum into the drizzle. I call my dad, who still wants to give the free concert a try. I try to find somewhere dry to sit and eat the food I brought along-- my idea is a McDonalds or something. I walk for blocks and see nothing but various government buildings. Finally I spot a cafe in the distance, but it turns out to only be open from 10 to 3. I sit on a flowerpot under the awning, rest my tired legs, and eat.

6:00: I arrive back at the Smithsonian Metro station where I'm meeting my dad, and discover there's actually a dry place to sit right there. I watch some peace demonstrators dressed up in pink, but when they leave I'm reduced to watching the Jews for Jesus guy. After a half-hour of watching hundreds of pamphlets go in the garbage, I decide that there should be mandatory paper-recycling bins on street corners. (Or at least around Jews for Jesus freaks.) I can hear some random patriotic chanting over the speakers on the Mall. Then a snatch of "Born in the USA." I smack myself in the forehead.

6:30: My dad arrives. We go through security. We find a not-too-muddy place to lay down our towel, close enough to see the top arch of the stage but with no chance to see anyone on it. We are given the first of our many complimentary cans of Pepsi Vanilla. Considering how much I dislike all forms of cola, it's surprisingly edible. (Drinkable? Potable?)

7:00: Good Charlotte plays. One song.

7:05: Commercials begin on the big screen in front of us. Yay NFL. Yay Pepsi Vanilla. Yay, the same commercials over and over and over again.

7:30: Mary J. Blige performs. Two songs.

7:35: Commercials. Lots. The same ones. We sit down on the towel and gripe. I ask myself why I am here, and then remind myself that I feel a lot less pathetic about having accomplished nothing all day if I have the excuse of having been out of the house.

8:00: Britney Spears comes out and does two songs. But there are fireworks, which we can actually see. This is fairly cool.

8:05: Wild guess what happens for the next approximately 25 minutes. The NFL clearly cares a whole lot about our experience here. But no one will notice on TV.

8:30: Aerosmith time! And we are lucky enough to get three whole songs! Walk This Way, Dream On, and Back in the Saddle. Only slightly marred by the 40-ish guy standing next to me who sings loudly and off-key, flails his arms in wild air drumming, and claps his hands (off the beat, too). During "Dream On." Please, stop.

9:00: Aretha Franklin sings the national anthem. We sit down and watch a quarter of the football game broadcast live on the screens, hoping to wait past the rush at the Metro station.

11:00: Home sweet home.

2003-09-01T00:18:00.000-05:00

Maryland. Is. Boring.

For some reason, I really want to get back in the swing of things with fall quarter. There's a voice in the back of my head that reminds me of the stupidity of this, since that's just asking for all the busyness and work and responsibility that comes with school, instead of long days and nights of computer and TV and reading for fun. But if it's stupid, it's stupid, then. I'm just tired of lazing around the apartment, feeling too sluggish to put in the hours on work-study that would be productive. (I will, though, before I leave. It's the knowledge that I have plenty of time left that leads me to put it off.)

There have been some interesting moments. I got to catch two games at Yankee Stadium last week (luckily, there was a beautiful Thursday afternoon win to make up for Tuesday night's debacle), and tonight, my parents and I drove into the city to see the National Symphony Orchestra and the U.S. Army Soldier's Chorus give a free concert on the West Lawn of the Capitol. (It was quite nice-- a variety of music, including John Williams' themes from Star Wars, Harry Potter, and ET, as well as Sousa's Stars and Stripes Forever, one of my favorites.)

As we walked back from our car, we saw all the setup they're doing on the Mall for the festival the NFL's doing this week leading up to the first game of the season. The day-to-day stuff seems targeted to kids (or people who actually know who the guys giving out free autographs are), but on Thursday night there's a free concert with Good Charlotte, Mary J. Blige, Britney Spears, and Aerosmith. Despite the fact that of the bunch the only one I'm interested in is Aerosmith, and it's not like I'll ever look back in regret if I never see them perform, I'm thinking I'll probably go anyway. Because, you guessed it, I'm bored, and going to the concert (and waiting on line to get through security) will at least be Something To Do.

Oh, the joys of my life.