I'm not sure how it's been a month since I've written in here-- I'm not sure how it's been a month since early April, really. The time seems to have flown.

Work has been a challenge lately. I feel more behind and lost now than I did 3 months ago or 6 months ago. I guess it's just that I and those around me feel like after more than a year, I'm not new anymore, so maybe the expectations are higher. But I realize that there is so much more to the working world than I imagined before I started, and sometimes I feel like I'm wandering through a minefield without a map. Okay, maybe that's a little overdramatic. But there is so much to get the hang of, and often I find myself thinking, "I wish I wasn't at my first job anymore!" (Not that I want to leave my job itself-- I like it a lot-- but I'm just tired of not having any context or basis of comparison for things.)

I've had a bit more social interaction than usual, lately, which is certainly good. Last weekend I hung out over at Kyle's with him and Peter and Sharlyn. And then tonight I spent a couple hours at Cafe Mud with Sharlyn and Rebecca. Both times, it was fun and nice and casual-- the kind of things that make me wonder why the hell it doesn't happen more often.

I guess part of it's just coming to terms with the fact that I need to push myself into these situations. Even if I'm quite comfortable with the people themselves, like Kyle and Peter and Sharlyn and Rebecca, I'm still not really comfortable with initiating-- I want to be sought out, or else I'll feel like I'm forcing myself in. But honestly, that approach just doesn't make sense for my life. What I have is casual friends who'd be glad to hang out with me but aren't going to go out of their way to seek me out, and so waiting to be asked is a recipe for social isolation. I've let that go on for too long, and I need to go ahead and take more initiative, which I've been attempting lately.

There was this odd moment a couple weeks ago, walking back from SEJ with Kyle, where we stood for a few long minutes at the corner where we usually part ways, and I more or less pleaded for him to find somewhere to pencil me into his always-busy schedule. Afterwards, when I was walking away, I had this odd sort of frustrated depressed feeling. I'm so very uncomfortable being in that position, where I feel like I'm practically begging. And with Kyle, it seems it's always that way. He always says very earnestly that we should get together sometime but he's very busy right now, and I say okay and wait for him to get back to me, and in the almost two years I've known him I think we've only spent time together one-on-one once or twice (aside from our little five-minute walks back from SEJ). I've always had this sense that Kyle and I had the potential to be really good friends, but I never know where I stand with him, and it seems like almost a parallel-universe scenario. I dunno. I just wish things were different, but I don't know if they ever will be.

Well, I ought to get some sleep. I intended to get a lot more cleaning done tonight, in advance of my sister coming into town this week. And U2 concerts, Monday and Tuesday! (Not that the cleaning has anything to do with those. But go with me here.) Take care, y'all.
  ¶ 2:44 AM