Perpetually Unfinished
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
 
Random and disconnected updates:

 
(1) comments links to this post
Sunday, May 08, 2005
 

Little Flowers
Originally uploaded by brittgm.
I'm not sure how it's been a month since I've written in here-- I'm not sure how it's been a month since early April, really. The time seems to have flown.

Work has been a challenge lately. I feel more behind and lost now than I did 3 months ago or 6 months ago. I guess it's just that I and those around me feel like after more than a year, I'm not new anymore, so maybe the expectations are higher. But I realize that there is so much more to the working world than I imagined before I started, and sometimes I feel like I'm wandering through a minefield without a map. Okay, maybe that's a little overdramatic. But there is so much to get the hang of, and often I find myself thinking, "I wish I wasn't at my first job anymore!" (Not that I want to leave my job itself-- I like it a lot-- but I'm just tired of not having any context or basis of comparison for things.)

I've had a bit more social interaction than usual, lately, which is certainly good. Last weekend I hung out over at Kyle's with him and Peter and Sharlyn. And then tonight I spent a couple hours at Cafe Mud with Sharlyn and Rebecca. Both times, it was fun and nice and casual-- the kind of things that make me wonder why the hell it doesn't happen more often.

I guess part of it's just coming to terms with the fact that I need to push myself into these situations. Even if I'm quite comfortable with the people themselves, like Kyle and Peter and Sharlyn and Rebecca, I'm still not really comfortable with initiating-- I want to be sought out, or else I'll feel like I'm forcing myself in. But honestly, that approach just doesn't make sense for my life. What I have is casual friends who'd be glad to hang out with me but aren't going to go out of their way to seek me out, and so waiting to be asked is a recipe for social isolation. I've let that go on for too long, and I need to go ahead and take more initiative, which I've been attempting lately.

There was this odd moment a couple weeks ago, walking back from SEJ with Kyle, where we stood for a few long minutes at the corner where we usually part ways, and I more or less pleaded for him to find somewhere to pencil me into his always-busy schedule. Afterwards, when I was walking away, I had this odd sort of frustrated depressed feeling. I'm so very uncomfortable being in that position, where I feel like I'm practically begging. And with Kyle, it seems it's always that way. He always says very earnestly that we should get together sometime but he's very busy right now, and I say okay and wait for him to get back to me, and in the almost two years I've known him I think we've only spent time together one-on-one once or twice (aside from our little five-minute walks back from SEJ). I've always had this sense that Kyle and I had the potential to be really good friends, but I never know where I stand with him, and it seems like almost a parallel-universe scenario. I dunno. I just wish things were different, but I don't know if they ever will be.

Well, I ought to get some sleep. I intended to get a lot more cleaning done tonight, in advance of my sister coming into town this week. And U2 concerts, Monday and Tuesday! (Not that the cleaning has anything to do with those. But go with me here.) Take care, y'all.
 
(0) comments links to this post
Nature attains perfection, but man never does. There is a perfect ant, a perfect bee, but man is perpetually unfinished. He is both an unfinished animal and an unfinished man. It is this incurable unfinishedness which sets man apart from other living things. For, in the attempt to finish himself, man becomes a creator. Moreover, the incurable unfinishedness keeps man perpetually immature, perpetually capable of learning and growing.
--Eric Hoffer





Links
Andrew
Colleen
Katie
Kim
Kyle
Malavika (and the rest of The Quitters)
Matt
Meredith
Shannon
Tamica

Official NaNoWriMo 2005 Participant

ARCHIVES

July 2003 / August 2003 / September 2003 / October 2003 / November 2003 / December 2003 / January 2004 / February 2004 / March 2004 / April 2004 / May 2004 / June 2004 / July 2004 / August 2004 / October 2004 / November 2004 / December 2004 / January 2005 / February 2005 / March 2005 / April 2005 / May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / September 2005 / October 2005 / November 2005 / December 2005 / January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / June 2006 / July 2006 / October 2006 / December 2006 / January 2007 / March 2007 /

Powered by Blogger