Just another strange week in this strange quarter. Pick a bit of it, try to write about it, lather, rinse, repeat...
There's a lot that could be written about Peace Project stuff, but maybe I'll do that tomorrow. Somehow it's always more tempting to write about me me me.
Life has been up and down, like always. The good and the bad, emotionally. I wish it wasn't almost summer; I am starting to feel the clock ticking, an external pressure and worry just when I am beginning to hold my own against the internal ones. It ratchets up the desire for
more, when emotionally I ought to be focusing on feeling content.
In general, I don't come off much like who I really am, I think. So many times recently, people who are getting to know me better have been surprised about something or other that I'd never have thought they'd see as unlike me. I really wish that wasn't the case, because despite how insecure I am, I actually do feel like I'm a pretty good person and friend. My self-esteem isn't too bad-- it's just that I have very little confidence in my ability to convince anyone
else that I'm a person worth knowing and caring about, because I feel like I come across as dull and awkward and annoying. So I worry that people don't like me, but it's not because I think they
shouldn't like me, but because they have no reason to know that they ought to like me. I'm not insecure about who I am, but who I seem to be. Does that make sense? I end up feeling all this pressure, thinking, "I
know so-and-so and I could be great friends. I'd like it for us to be close, and I feel pretty confident that he would too, if he knew what I was really like. But he
doesn't know! Because it takes me fucking forever to warm up enough to people to really be myself! So I'm the only one who knows how nice it would be if we were good friends, and if I don't find a way to convince him of that, we never will be." Which is, of course, a recipe for awkward disaster. Or, at the very least, an extra obstacle to interacting comfortably and naturally.
I don't know. I've got to get better at this eventually, right? Recently I've been pushing myself more than I have in a while. It's hard to feel sure it's helping, since it's all so two-steps-forward-one-step-back, but I'm pretty sure it is. But my comfort level with people comes and goes in waves, I think, and I can't for the life of me figure out how or why. Sometimes I am uptight and nervous and analyze every moment of every little interaction; another day, or even in the same evening, I can be relaxed and comfortable and at ease, interacting with people and really feeling like friends even though the last time I talked to them I walked away convinced that they'd rather never have anything to do with me if it could be conveniently arranged. I wish I understood it better.
I went through many different moods at the co-op party last night. But during one of them, I remember feeling very strongly that I should just let go and love people without worrying if they'll love me back. (Is love the right word? I don't know; sometimes I feel like it is. I did at the time.) Maybe that's the way to go. I mean, outside of odd 20-minute moods, it's really hard to love someone and genuinely not care what they think of you; possibly it's impossible. But it's more about the focus, I guess. Less on me, and more on the people I care about. That's what I need.
