Perpetually Unfinished
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
 
I should be working on my Protest article right now. I actually have a couple free hours before bed, which seems so rare these days, and so I ought to be putting them to some productive use: the Protest article, or maybe even, god forbid, finishing cleaning my room. (Hey, I got it like 65% clean this past weekend-- who could ask for anything more?)

But instead, I feel like writing. Somehow I've started thinking in journal entries again, in sentences and paragraphs, like I used to. And now I've got all these thoughts and feelings connected in strings waiting to pour out of me, and I can't help but write.

Yet I'm too wedded to coherence. I have a thousand things I want to write, yet I'm mentally arranging and re-arranging them, trying to come up with a logical flow, a theme, an entry. It's the voice inside me that's always trying to order and make sense of how I'm feeling so that I can understand who I am. I resist throwing my thoughts onto the page like spaghetti up against the wall, because then I would end up staring at the wall for hours, trying to figure the significance of why each piece landed where it did. My neverending stream of thoughts pushes me to be conscious of who I am, but sometimes it intereferes with that process, too.

See? I'm overthinking my overthinking.

But I'm too tired now to find coherence, the strands of meaning that tie together how I'm feeling tonight. So I'll grit my teeth and just be random. It always ends up that way, anyway.

Our bill passed ASG's student services committee tonight-- step number one, and probably the worst is over now until a week from Wednesday, when the whole Senate votes and everything's on the line. I'm calming down a little, and the knots in my stomach are loose, lazy ones, instead of the tight tenseness of the last 24 hours or so. I still can't help but be nervous and on edge until it successfully passes, but now there's only 9 days to go.

I am moody, these days. I waver between feeling isolated and connected, and it can change from hour to hour. I feel like I'm floating around in limbo, and it's merely a question of whether I mind it or not at any given moment. I am often happy and grateful; yet usually, I'm yearning for more.

I have so many IM exchanges, and so few good conversations in person. Eileen thinks that it has to do with her, but she's not the only one. I love IMs, and they do help you to connect, to some extent. They can make people into an integral part of your life even though it's completely inconvenient to see them face-to-face very often, and let you share so much of the minutiae that being friends is really all about. They can pull you closer to someone when it might not otherwise happen.

But they can only go so far. They cannot communicate the tone of someone's voice, or the look in their eyes, or their body language. You can share a lot sometimes, but there is always something missing. And I feel that lack.
 
Comments: Post a Comment
Nature attains perfection, but man never does. There is a perfect ant, a perfect bee, but man is perpetually unfinished. He is both an unfinished animal and an unfinished man. It is this incurable unfinishedness which sets man apart from other living things. For, in the attempt to finish himself, man becomes a creator. Moreover, the incurable unfinishedness keeps man perpetually immature, perpetually capable of learning and growing.
--Eric Hoffer





Links
Andrew
Colleen
Katie
Kim
Kyle
Malavika (and the rest of The Quitters)
Matt
Meredith
Shannon
Tamica

Official NaNoWriMo 2005 Participant

ARCHIVES

July 2003 / August 2003 / September 2003 / October 2003 / November 2003 / December 2003 / January 2004 / February 2004 / March 2004 / April 2004 / May 2004 / June 2004 / July 2004 / August 2004 / October 2004 / November 2004 / December 2004 / January 2005 / February 2005 / March 2005 / April 2005 / May 2005 / June 2005 / July 2005 / September 2005 / October 2005 / November 2005 / December 2005 / January 2006 / February 2006 / March 2006 / April 2006 / May 2006 / June 2006 / July 2006 / October 2006 / December 2006 / January 2007 / March 2007 /

Powered by Blogger