How is it 10:30 already? I was going to get so much done tonight... but then I was in one of my indecisive moods, so my grocery shopping trip took forever, and I didn't finish dinner until 9:30. (It was a very good dinner, though. A stirfry-- it occured to me for the first time while making it that perhaps they call it a stirfry because you stir the vegetables as they fry. I'm a bright one.)
It's been a good day, though, despite its early start. I had to get up at 7am to go attend an event for work. I wouldn't complain about that on its own-- the organizers' schedules are so insane, and I'm constantly conscious that I've got the cushy job in the office-- but I was kind of disappointed that it meant I couldn't/shouldn't go to the co-op party last night. It's rare enough for me to actually want to go to those, but I'm finally starting to get the sense that I'd have people to talk to and enjoy myself with there if I did go. But I knew that it would be very unwise because of having to get up so early this morning. (In fairness, I was pretty tired as well, tired enough that when I did go to bed at midnight I was asleep in five minutes.)
But this afternoon made up for that. I played frisbee for almost three hours, with Sohier and Elysha at first and then with Pat as well and then Kyle and his friend from home. And I had a really good time. Despite my instinctive perception that I'm horrible at anything athletic and/or involving hand-eye coordination, I managed pretty decently, especially once I got into a groove. That's not really important in any objective sense, but only because if I'm constantly self-conscious, I can't relax and enjoy myself.
Today I could, and I did. The sun burst out intermittently when it wasn't obscured by clouds, and every time it did, I got the same big smile on my face-- I love sunshine, I can't explain it! And it felt very comfortable and natural to be enjoying a Saturday afternoon with these people-- these friends? Maybe.
At some point, when we were out on Deering, the goal was no longer to throw the frisbee accurately to eachother, but to throw it long so that the boys could sprint after it and chase it down. As I watched them run and lunge and laugh with these big grins on their faces, a powerful feeling of warmth kept bubbling up inside me. It was wonderful to watch them having such a good time. Kyle, especially-- I do get concerned about him sometimes, with the stress he constantly takes upon himself, and while I know that I don't know him well enough yet to understand his moods or when there is actual cause for concern, that doesn't stop me from worrying that he'll fill his time with have-to-do's instead of taking the time to be happy in the ways he deserves. So I loved seeing him there today, playing and relaxing and smiling for hours, and I realize that I don't need to worry so much, because somehow he
does usually find time to enjoy himself on top of the rest of it, too. I don't know how he manages to live life the way he does, but he's a pretty amazing, capable guy, and I really shouldn't be surprised.
But it wasn't just Kyle. Pat was having a blast, too, and it's hard to watch him at play without smiling. Kyle says Pat's like his friend Ricky from home, and I think I understand. There is someone like Pat in most groups of friends, I think-- the one where you mention something he's done (because they are always doing things that people talk about when they're not around) and everyone shakes their head and says, "That's Pat," but they get a big affectionate smile on their face thinking about him. You can't help liking Pat-- at least, I can't. He is certainly unique, but in an endearing way, and I got the same warm fuzzy feelings watching him be silly and happy as I did watching Kyle.
And Sohier, too. I have to admit that I didn't like him that much when I first met him... but he is definitely growing on me. I think he is a good guy at heart; he is just more guarded about it, maybe, instead of that unabashed openness about caring for causes and people that I appreciate in most guys I'm fond of. More of a traditionally-socialized male, perhaps? Anyway, I'm glad to get the chance to know him better post-trip.
Elysha was napping during this bit of the afternoon that I'm talking about. And somehow, those affectionate sorts of feelings always come much more naturally when it's guys I care about, compared to girls. I'm trying to work on that, though, because I know I need to. And I do like Elysha. And I think that maybe with girls it's just more important for me to really get to know them and get used to them.
Speaking of girls-- a whole bunch of folks met for dinner and discussion on Thursday, and Lexi gave me a big hug when she saw me and apologized for not responding to the e-mail I'd sent her on Sunday or Monday. And I realized that the same old stories as always had been playing quietly in my head for the past week; if I express interest in hanging out with someone, and they don't respond, it must mean that that don't really want anything to do with me, but they're trying to save both of us the awkwardness of talking about that fact directly. It's silly, I know, but it's incredibly persistent. It's been true before, and so I can't stop my instinct that it must be true always. But of course it wasn't true in this case, and probably it rarely is. Maybe eventually I will learn that.
I have so many people on my mind these days. I worry about Eileen, but I feel so powerless. It is hard to know that a friend is sad and struggling with things, and the natural reaction is to want to make them happier, because you care about them. But I'm not sure I can do that. As Alex has dealt with the terrible things that life's thrown at him, it's certainly been painful for me to know he's suffering. But although obviously I couldn't fix the root of the problem, there was still the comfort for both of us that I could help him feel a little better for the moment most of the time. With Eileen, I'm not sure I can. I don't think I'm important enough in the grand scheme of her life in the first place, and even if I was, I don't know if there'd be much I could do anyway. But knowing that doesn't stop me from fretting and wondering about how I might be able to help, even though I never seem to come up with anything.
My goodness, time is just flying by, isn't it? Tonight was going to be my writing night, but I have much more of it on my agenda. I wanted to work on an article for the Protest, and then I thought I might start a letter to Katie Sharkey. Through much ado over the last nine months or so, we've finally reached a place where we might be able to reconnect as friends again, after all these years and the events in them. But she's all the way in Virginia, and very busy. I get the feeling that a letter-- on paper, in the mail-- might be the sort of thing that's called for at this point. Now I just need to get around to writing it.
Anyway, I could ramble on forever, I think, but I really ought to stop. I know I should be writing shorter (and more coherent) entries, but more often. I'm feeling pretty positive about my connections with people right now, though, far more than I was a mere three weeks ago. It's all still somewhat tenuous, and I know that nearly everything could slip away. But the trajectory is up, and forward, and that feels good.
